I'm sorry its so difficult. This is a hard enough place to be in when you can work it through with the person which I realize isn't true in your case.
But if I may be so presumptious, I had an interesting take on your dream and I wanted to share my interpretation with you. BUT, and this is a big but, I'm basing this on what little I know of you from previous posts and my own experience so I could be completely off base. So if it rings true great, but if not, feel free to toss it out.
quote:He started to kiss me while holding me up, close mouthed, sort of politely at first and then right towards the end with tongue. I was thinking as he was kissing me that it wasn't doing anything for me and I felt sad about it, that I wasn't turned on. He put me down and walked away. I followed. We were in the driveway now, him sitting, and I was in the grass playing with his kids as he watched me, smiling.
I think that when we have attachment issues, and we find someone who seems to hold out the promise of providing what is missing (because those needs never go away) it often manifests as a romantic/erotic interest because as adults those are our closest, most supportive relationships. The closet we can come to the boundaryless existence we once had with our mothers. But the truth is, that we're looking for what we didn't have then when we were children. I thought it was really interesting that you're dream started along the lines of a sexual relationship but even in the middle of that you were amazed he could pick you up. But if you were a little girl, he would be able to do that easily. You recognized that the relationship felt wrong because of his saying he had to keep it from his wife and you're saying you wouldn't go to a hotel. When you did kiss him, your reaction was that it really wasn't what you were looking for. But at the end you were with his children, playing with them and he was smiling at you. I think this speaks very strongly of you looking for the security and strong arms of a father who would be there for you, of you wanting to be part of his family.
I mentioned it in another post, but my T's granddaughter has a blog posted by her mother and had posted some stuff about holiday celebrations. I talked to my T about it. It was really painful in some ways because I had to deal with just how much I would have given to grown up in a family like my Ts and how much I just wanted to belong to him in any way possible: daughter, grandaughter, niece, you name it, just so I could have had a loving family where my needs were attended to.
If I'm right (and I must emphasize again how wrong I could be) then your desires for your doctor are pointing to deeper issues. The good news is that they are the kind of issues that you CAN deal with with your T. And by coming here.
AG