quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
SprintingGal,
That sounds really rough. But I think you handled it really well by just going on by. I know that must have been incredibly hard but in the long run probably less painful (although I'm definitely talking in a relative sense.)

And yes, it is like a crush on a celebrity because you don't know him, but when's the last time a celebrity cared for you while fighting off a life-threatening disease? I think its trivializing your feelings to just reduce it to that. You interacted with him extensively and from what you've shared in the past, he wasn't exactly stoical. I just don't want you thinking that you're somehow overreacting or being over the top.

I am sorry though, I know how unsettling I would have found that. I'm glad you came here.

AG

I believe my T wants to "reprogram" me to think of him in that way in order to reduce my angst but I think it is an over-simplification. At this point I don't believe that Cognitive-Behavioral therapy can help me with this.

You are exactly right, he was not stoic about much of it, and when he put that solemn face on when we saw each other, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was his doctor act and it infuriated me! I want to say, "Dr. X, it is ME. I know it's an act so it doesn't work on me anymore. Aren't we past all that?" I thought I was special to him and then suddenly I wasn't.

I have always fantasized about running into him out in the world. Though I had that fantasy, I never considered the complications of it. I felt naked and he felt like a complete stranger. For the first time I felt the power imbalance; I have been uncharacteristically forthcoming to him about all of the emotions I have felt about my illness. I usually say nothing! The fact that this intimacy is one-sided, that I essentially know nothing about him became all too clear. Here is this stranger, "out in the world," who knows all about me. It honestly makes me nauseous and in fact, I have not eaten much since I saw him. I just have no appetite!

I want to say that it shattered the transference as the reality of the situation has become clearer to me. I do not know him. I know nothing about him. He could be anyone and capable of anything. He has all of this private information about me and I don't like it. I feel that if I don't believe I know him, I can't trust him with that information and I can't trust him to keep me well. I would have never revealed all that I revealed to him if he had not let down his guard with me, no question.

Okay, I'm rambling now...