Charlotte-I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now. It sounds like your emotions and nervous system are clambering all over. You’re going through a great deal of stress and I’m glad you came around for support. You are such a fighter! I can see that all of your issues that you mention seem singular in of themselves, yet they are also quite connected I think, as Mr. T 2 pointed out in regards to abandonment issues and transference. What happened to you in your childhood has continued to affect you in your everyday life and relationships.

1) What you are experiencing with your husband are serious relationship issues that he needs to be willing to work out too and you are not responsible for his short-comings. That is no reflection on you although I am sure it feels like it is. His not being there for you emotionally especially during intimacy is abandonment and that triggers unseen and very powerful feelings in you. Of course you are going to resort back to the feelings of security and care that Mr T offered you in your devastatingly short relationship. That’s not wrong nor is it a problem; it is actually useful to identify the heart of what you are feeling emotionally, and what you need and what you long for. Don’t stuff it, but talk to Ms T about it.

Which leads me to say; CALL HER! She is there for you and has given you a direct personal line for you to reach out to her. Your mom never did that. Somehow you believe that you have to stay in the misery and chaos. That this is where you belong in this world. But that’s not true Charlotte. You’re stuck and that’s where you brazenly and so honestly admit you want to be, because you don’t know anything else and you’re afraid of anything else. You’re afraid that Ms. T is going to abandon you too and you’re not willing to let her hurt you that way. But yet you know she won’t abandon you. You are cognitively aware that she is different. The problem is what you sense and experience about abandonment and what you experience and what you know about Ms. T are taking place in different parts of the brain. Eventually as you test your relationship with her, you will experience that she is different and your response to her will become just as it needs to be. (I hope this makes sense)

2) Your mom shows up in the midst of all this is certainly going to trigger some old stuff because you are processing it deep inside whether you are aware of it or not. If there was any suggestibility from your T it is only because it was already going on inside anyway. BTW: The therapeutic relationship is a highly suggestible arena. That’s why it works.

Your resentment is well founded but is also a barrier to the deeper emotions, the hurt and grief that you need to access that her abandoning you has created. You felt the resentment because it was safer than the pain and you were able to stuff that easier as you had to “take care” of your mom and make her visit special. BTW: That is a beautiful gesture you made for her. But now it’s time to give back to Charlotte. After all that you probably felt honored that she stayed with you and spent time with you and your family. That was probably very hard to let go of and watch her leave again, yet I am sure it was also a relief when she did. You have a lot to process here Charlotte. But take it slow, it will all come out eventually.

You’re afraid she might be dying because she is 78 years old _and_ you have so many unresolved issues with her. I am sure as you watched her leave you may have wondered if that was the last time you might see her. My dad is 83 and I think about that every time I say good-bye.

So it sounds like you’ve been run through the mill again Charlotte. I really wish I could help more. But one last thing, the most important thing I want to say again because it bears repeating: CALL Ms. T! And again, I am glad you came here for support and using your resources like you are. You are doing good. It’s time to slow down though. This is the biggest concern I have for you right now. You have a lot going on and I am sure that your brain injury makes it difficult for your nervous system to self-regulate, so it is going to require effort to learn how to do that.

Here's a link to one of Shrinklady's amazingly helpful pages:
Nature's Self Regulation

Please stay in touch!
JM