I'm so glad to hear you're having an easier time with your T situation. You've been incredibly strong and you should be really proud of yourself.
OW,
Just for the record, that was a short post.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know how intense my feelings have been for my T. At one point, I remember feeling like it would literally kill me if I lost him, so I can only imagine how painful it must be to have this relationship be off bounds. In many ways, transference is easier when its with your own T because you can work it out with them. But I think the really important part of this experience for you is being able to recognize your feelings and the needs that you are trying to fulfill. They're good, healthy needs that SHOULD be met and you will work out how to meet them with the help of your therapist. And its also good that you're able to understand why the relationship isn't happening and you're concentrating your efforts on getting the help that you need.
And I understand the wondering if the relationship was real. I struggled with that for a LONG time and have just recently come to understand and believe that the relationship is a very real one. I believe your son's T really did care for you and the relationship is real. I think that she's behaving the way she is out of a concern for your well being. I know that doesn't make it not hurt, but I hope its some comfort.
And please don't feel like you're saying too much or talking about it too much. That's why we're all here. These are deeply painful and deeply significant feelings that take a lot of time to work through. And a lot of repitition (at least in my case!). You need to use all your resources and this is one of them. And it helps everyone to hear about how other people struggle with these issues. It can often help us feel more normal and give us other perspectives and ideas on how to best handle it.
AG