It's good to hear from you, it's been awhile and I was getting a little worried about you. Glad you're finally feeling better.
quote:This is awful stuff, I know you guys know, but does it ever end. I really thought I had made some breakthroughs and was understanding more and now I'm all over the place again.
Just because you're all over the place again, doesn't mean that the breakthroughs and understandings didn't happen. The nature of this work is that you need to experience something new over and over again in order to heal, so sometimes it feels like you're stuck when you're really not. I really do think it eventually ends, but it's slow going. I just had an amazing, wonderful appt with my T (see Gift Giving) and now I am experiencing serious snapback. I really thought I had worked through all the variations but getting so close is making me want to run again. Todays' flavor is "you can't have everything you want so get out now before it gets even more painful." Every time I really connect with him, I enjoy it for a day or so, then the feeling of bereft longing for what I cannot have and know will never be rises up. And I feel like a spoiled, greedy child who will never have enough. And then I realize that I'm going to have to discuss it with my T (if we can EVER reschedule, but that's a bitter story for another day.
) and just how many times do I have to go over this?On the other hand, (of course, there is one) writing the thank you note for my T really let me see how far I've come and how much I've changed since seeing him. And we've been able to do that despite me experiencing such encompassing, intense feelings for him. And the stretchs of feeling secure and crazy don't come as often or last as long. So I do think there's hope, but when you're going through it, it's so overwhelming and feels like forever.
My husband does know about therapy because we also see my T together for marital counseling. He also knows about the transference. The day after I told my T I was attracted to him, I told my husband. It just felt REALLY wrong to go into a couples session knowing how I felt about our T, knowing that my T knew and my poor husband would be the only one in the room who didn't know. He was really good about it, still is, much better than I would be I think. But I think that he really trusts both me and my T that nothing's going to happen. He's been in therapy also (not for as long a stretches as I have) so he mainly gets it. At least he does now, he used to not be good about it. But I must admit, I think he's a rare man in the amount of patience he has with me when I'm dealing with my stuff.
AG