(((OW))) I'm sorry for what you are going through too. You are grieving for your old T and I think when you see her or hear from her you are happy and then it hurts all over again because you are still mourning what you don't have or lost. I wish I knew how to make it stop for you. I'm sorry.
Just keep venting here and know that we all have ups and downs and disruptions with our Ts. No one is perfect. Maybe you should talk this over with your current T.
In the meantime I send you healing hugs.
TN