Dr. X is my oncologist. I have no appointments with him scheduled; I am supposed to do follow up with him in early summer. I could easily change doctors but the thought of seeing someone who isn't familiar is really scary to me at the moment.

I have a T; she is female.

There is no point in making a complaint because what has happened would easily be explained away, which is what I had been doing myself in justifying it. Besides, I have said so many good things about him to so many people that could easily be used against me

I feel like such an idiot, for explaining away those out of context things, for only wanting to see that he was trying to help me...because I was so desperate for someone to help me, to try to understand what I had been through. He seemed to understand. I never told my T what he said and did and now I feel terrible about going back and telling her that many months back this happened and I just never mentioned it. I also don't want her to lodge a complaint against him based on what I said. I just can't go there. I only wanted to see the good. I couldn't see anymore bad, I just could not bear it. I still want to explain it away.

When I found out about the results of the investigation, my first thought was that I wanted to talk to him about it even though I had already come to this realization. How sick is that. I am colluding with him.

I know he is a bastard and is taking advantage of his implicit position of power so I am trying really hard not to blame myself but it is hard not to: it is what I know, unfortunately.

SG