I'm glad you talked to your T about the other two men- and I think what she said was true. Pain meds do allow you to drop some barries that you wouldn't normally let down. I am also glad you are being mindful and careful with your pastor and massage T. Hopefully awareness will help with the intensity of the feelings.
I am doing pretty well with the transference stuff right now, thanks for asking! It was pretty rough going there for a while. A few weeks ago, I wrote my T this three page letter of all the things I wish she could be for me, all the reasons why I know she can't be those things, and why I feel like she is rejecting me. It wasn't anything she didn't already know, but instead of letting her read the letter, I actually read it to her and I was very emotional. But, it was very important to me that I tell her- actually say the words out loud. It was something I had to do, and I was so glad I did it. Of course, two weeks later, she freakin went on vacation and I felt like I was being punished because I couldn't see her. Even when she is in town but I don't have an appointment, I find comfort in the fact that she isn't far away. But I managed to get through her vacation and ONLY called her 3 times...
Geez! And her and her boundaries didn't call me back until she returned from vacation, ugh. It was truly hellish. But my first session back with her was really good- hard but good. I was able to express some feelings of fear and angst that I hadn't before and she wasn't mad at me or anything! Plus, she gave me some reassurance and I was in a vulnerable enough place to receive it... which is rare! It was very comforting overall, and made me appreciate the boundaries of the therapeutic environment instead of loathe them like I normally do.I'm glad you have had some good sessions lately and that you will be able to move to every other week appointments. It doesn't surprise me that you're a little sad about it. It sounds like you have a great relationship with her, and cutting back means seeing her less. Plus, that is less time that you get to be completely seen and known... who wouldn't miss that some? I think you will do well with it though, once you get used to it.
-CT