Hi everyone. Well, after getting my PTSD under control with an emergency visit to my T, I'm back to pondering the transference. I feel ambivalent about Dr. X (my MD) in a lot of ways. I'm thinking back to the very beginning when I first got the signal from him and how he would examine my body like he owned it- firmly, no warning, as if I were his for the taking.

Then I think of how kind he was to me when my treatment by others went wrong, how I felt held by him as if he were with me whenever I would feel really bad about it all, how I knew that he really does care at a deeper level.

The sexual component is starting to feel really disgusting and not exciting at all, like maybe I just want him to hold me and that is it, show me physical affection and reassurance, but not sexual. I feel closer to deleting the voicemail he left me and I think I am tired of hearing his voice.

Lastly, I don't believe in my heart anymore that anything good or healing could come of this. We have shown our complimentary wounds to each other and that is what is drawing us close- there is no romance or fairytale in that.

But yet...I have not fired him.

SG