Hi, I've been lurking here for a while, ever since I realized I was experiencing a transference reaction to my T of the maternal nature. Reading your posts gave me the courage to be honest and tell my T about this in a letter during session. I was terrified and hurting and so ashamed and humiliated that I would ever feel this way, but knew that I had to be upfront and honest about this. I knew I would be unable to verbally share, hence the letter.

However, her response was...well, unexpected, I guess. I was so anxious and terrified, and I didn't have any idea what her reaction would be. And, I was having quite a time staying present to hear her response. The few things that did get through were, well, disconcerting at best, and downright hurtful at worst. I felt her response was condescending and patronizing, and I left that session feeling absolutely misunderstood and invalidated. After the fact, I realized that all I had needed to hear was that I was understood, I had been heard, what I was feeling was okay (even though I find it anything but), and that my T would be there to help me work through this. I heard none of this.

It took a couple subsequent sessions, but last session I felt capable enough to assert myself about that session. And while my T apologized for not validating me in a way I would hear and understand, in addition to stating that she did understand, I'm still very hurt and disillusioned. I don't feel comfortable expressing any emotion in front of her, where before all this came up I had no problem being emotional with her. I don't feel any kind of connection to her at all, where before I always felt heard and understood.

I don't know what to do now. How can I continue to see my T when I don't trust her, when I don't feel any kind of understanding and acceptance from her? I never questioned her commitment to helping me before, but now...well I feel like to her I'm an interesting specimen under a microscope.

Any words of advice?

Thanks,
Musical Me