I am working on not beating up myself over it but have not acomplished that yet.

My P is actually pretty comfortable with talking about transference and letting me know how he feels about me when he thinks it will help me. I think the big deal is that he knows a lot about how I feel from stuff that I have written. But he wants me to say it. I keep getting told by other therapists that I email for advice that the therapy part that will help me work through it is actually being able to say it. I dont think that will ever work.

I have emailed my P twice and he finally answered the second email which made me feel somewhat better. I told him that I feel like I should give up on even trying to talk about it and maybe therapy all together. I also told him that I felt like I was always screwing it up and that it wasnt worth it anymore and that I wasnt worth it anymore and he should give up too.
He basically told me that he wasnt giving up, that I am not screwing up because he feels like I am still getting better and making progress because even though I barely talked last time it was still more than I was saying a year ago. I guess he is right. But he also said he really couldnt talk to me about this stuff outside of therapy.

I wrote him back and asked him about coming in sooner than 6 weeks so I will just have to wait and see what he says. I usual have a month between appointments because I cant really afford more sessions. But also because he is my psychiatrist but he is the kind that also does some therapy.

My P tells me the way he feels about me but he is also very straight forward about how he doesnt feel. He tells me he doesnt love me except for as a patient and as a christian loves everyone. But that he does care about me and likes having me as a patient. He also will tell me that he does have strong feelings such as the love described above but that he doesnt want to be my lover or my dad like I want him to be and that nothing can ever happen between us, but that he will always be there for me and help me.

Him telling me that is the way he feels about me does help me and make me feel better about our relationship and lets me know I can trust him to tell me the truth whether I want to hear it or not.

I guess Ill give it another try next session and hopefully it will go better. But at least him responding to the email helped because he usually won do that.