Damn, doctors actually know what they are talking about it. Talking about the transference actually does help. I finally saw my psychiatrist after 6 weeks of not seeing him and going crazy and had an amazing session.

I wouldnt start the conversation so he started out by asking how I felt about him since we had a few small talks on transference and he wanted to know if I hated him and was tired of him yet. I said no and he was like "damn youre not better yet, when you hate me then we will know you made some progress." It makes it easier when he starts off joking around. I told him I would never hate him or be tired of him and that I felt the same way about him that I have for the last 10 years. Which he should know means I love him.

He then out of nowhere started asking questions about my relationship with my dad. That is the one subject I have avoided at all costs, but this time for some reason I just started answering his questions. Then he asked what I was thinking. I didnt want him to ask that right then cause I was thinking about having sex with him which is what I usually think about when dealing with hard stuff. I wasnt real specific or gave details. I just said "I am thinking about things that I am not suppose to be thinking about." He asked who they had to do with and I said "you." And then we really got into the transference stuff.

I talked more during this session than I had ever talked and he actually could tell what I was feeling just by looking at me. That has never happened before in all the years I have been seeing him. To keep from feeling things I act crazy and bullshit around. I am not sure why I chose not to do it this time but I didnt and it was the best decision I have ever made.

I never let people know how I feel and it gave me such a safe feeling to know that he knew exactly what I was feeling and basically what I was thinking and didnt talk about not seeing me or being mad at me. And when I looked into his eyes after awhile of staring out the window trying to avoid any and all eye contact while I talked about being in love with him, all I could see is that he really does care about me and wanted to be there for me and help me. It was the most amazing feeling ever!

At the end he told me that was the first time he had ever really known how I felt during a session and felt connected to me through that. He did say that I wasnt real specific about what I was thinking when I said I was thinking about stuff I wasnt supposed to be. I didnt think I was suppose to. If I would have done that then when he asked me how I felt about him I would of had to say " I am thinking that you should just let me show you how I feel by letting me give you a blow job because it would be a lot easier to show you than to explain it.

My old therapist told me that I should be specific about the details about what I am thinking and feeling, even the sexual details because it will show me that I can tell him everything. So now that I know I am suppose to be that honest I will give him the exact details next time. I just hope he can handle it.

The only weird thing about the session was the fact that during parts of the session I was dissociating. I have never done that during a therapy session. It usually just happens when I am cutting. I didnt tell my psychiatrist that was happening because I didnt even know how to explain what was going on. I think I will have to bring that up next time I talk to him because I dont know if that is normal or if that is suppose to happen or what to do when it is happening. And next session he is expecting me to start the conversation instead of just answering the questions he asks.

Why is it when you get one thing down and do a good job at one thing the therapist wants to turn around and make things just a little harder right away? Cant they just let you be happy and comfortable for awhile before trying to change things on you. But either way I feel so good right now about how everything went. And by the time I left the session I wasnt even thinking about having sex with my P, I was thinking more of him like a father and a friend than anything else. And usually when I leave all I can think about is having sex with him. But thats because I usually dont talk like I did yesterday.

So they are actually right when they saying talking about the transference and the feelings and thoughts actually helps it get better!