Thanks. It was really great. But for a long time I tried to use the excuse that doctors dont know what they are talking about or what they say just doesnt apply to me, guess I cant use that anymore.

I think my P will be able to handle any details I give him and I think I am going to do it next time. It will still be hard, I saw a picture of him on the internet this morning and looked in his eyes on the computer and started thinking how I could ever be that honest while sitting there looking at him. How could I ever look him in the eyes and tell him I want to fuck him right now. But I used to think that about the stuff I told him last time, so I will find a way to do it.

For me dissociating feels like kind of an out of body experience. I know what I am saying and doing but its like Im kind of watching myself do it instead of being there inside of myself doing. Its almost like I am on the outside maybe even looking in a window watching what is going on. Things start feeling hazy and and I even feel numb. Its the feeling that I have always longed for when I am cutting because I get the numb feeling to block out the anxiety, anger or depression and it its like I am no longer in me dealing with the problems going on, I can just watch from a distant. I just didnt expect it to happen during a session and almost wish it hadnt.

But you are right, I probably should tell him what happened with that. I told my old highschool psychologist what happened and explained it to him and he told me that I was dissociating and it was probably because I was doing something that was hard and scary for me and something that I didnt really want to have to do so my body used its normal defense that it does when I encounter difficult situations. It made more sense when he explained it. He said that I did good by not completely dissociating which could have happened if I wouldnt have pushed through and did what I needed to do.

yeah, the part about not thinking about having sex with him is huge. I was thinking about telling him next appointment about it and see what he thinks. Today I have been thinking about having sex with him but I am dealing with some difficult stuff that has to do with my four year old daughter and I so bad want to just call him and tell him what I am thinking and feeling just so that it will stop and so I can get some advice about my daughter. They told me yesterday they want to put her on medication for bipolar and I am so confused about whether to let them or not. My first instinct is to say no way.