I have just started to vaguely discuss some of the CSA I experienced and am coming to grips with...like, there's no way it didn't happen, because there is massive evidence throughout my childhood and adulthood and ways things are that they don't get when a kid hasn't been interfered with in some way. Believing these memories (not in their infallible accuracy to every detail, but in their general truth) is a huge step for me. And vaguely discussing it while present (i.e. not other parts), and how it has "broken" me in the area of intimacy, is a totally new thing.
We spent about 90 minutes breaking down this topic, how I am processing what has been coming up in flashbacks and nightmares, my sense of being permanently warped and robbed. I came out feeling battered and bruised and completely alone.
T would like me to be able to share more about it "in vivo," but accepts I can't do that. So, for the first time in a very long time (probably over a year), I wrote a journal about the topic. I included both the progression of the abuse, and the childhood and adulthood relation to sex that was warped by it. I expected the shame of sending it, and the fear that he couldn't stand me or would abandon me. I've always felt, "There is no way I can talk about this to almost anyone besides H, but ESPECIALLY not a man." I've even considered getting a female T for this topic, even though my T and I have an excellent relationship.
It wasn't until I finally shared, in full honesty, what it is like for me (and after much reading to reassure myself that it's a common/normal reaction for survivors of CSA), that I realized I'm not mostly scared of being abandoned. The thing I am most scared about, as this email is sitting in his inbox, is that he will be stimulated by it. Ugh. That reading about what happened to me, or about how my mind and body have been to me since then, will arouse him in some way. And that's why I have been sure I can never talk to him about it, even pushing beyond the shame, which is actually released a bit in the sharing.
I have no objective reason to believe anything like this. We have worked very closely together for almost four years now. We've shared hugs and held hands. He has heard a lot of stuff about my husband's condition, though very clinical and vague on my end. And in my hyper-vigilance I have never detected anything from him other than a paternal-seeming care or spiritual mentorship. He has worked with very many men, women, couples, and abuse victims on the topic of sex, and has about 35 years experience at this point, so I think he's probably heard it all. I have no reason to believe anything like that would be true in his case...except I make people into monsters. It has happened more than once.
I guess that would be the most devastating thing of all, to learn there is no safe and close, because I am toxic and warped. And even if it were true, he would obviously never tell me or act on it. But, the thought is torturing me right now, and I don't know how I will ever move into talking about the CSA, what it has done to my current sexuality, or these fears of him having an unhealthy interest in the topic. When I asked if it would be valuable for me to send the journal, he was very enthusiastic and welcoming (I think to alleviate my shame)...but I just feel panicked and like I can never bear to see him again.
Does anyone else who has tried to discuss these topics with a therapist (especially one of the same sex as your abusers) have this fear of them being "into" hearing about it? Is it just me? I can't work with women, because I have a lot more non-CSA abuse from them and just cannot trust easily, emotionally. But, around this one topic, it feels like...something really bad will happen.
