Hi yaku,

I've spent the past 6 weeks talking about specific CSA memories with T2 (woman) and why I'm afraid to talk about it with T1 (man, same sex as my abuser). I have come home from each session feeling like I've climbed a mountain and am exhausted from a wounded soul. I am so sorry you are processing all these difficult memories and feelings and feel so alone.

Several things in your post sound similar to how I'm feeling - feeling warped, robbed, toxic. Words I've used in counseling are feeling dangerous, manipulative, seductive, etc.

T2 has tried to show me that those feelings come out of feeling responsible for the abuse, which leads to deep shame, which leads to feeling dangerous and toxic. Since I still somehow believe that I played a part in being abused, I feel tremendous shame over that. She said I will never be able to talk about being abused freely until I process the shame and fully accept that I was not responsible for it. She said I feel dangerous because if I have any feelings of warmth, I feel like it will lead to sexual activity, since that's how the seduction by my abuser started. It starts with trust and seduction and ends with pain, violence, and betrayal.

T2 has also been quick to point out that there is no consensual sex below the age of 18. All sex under 18 is violent and wrong. It's a lie to believe we had any responsibility, even if we tried to have sex with an adult at that age.

I understand all of this cognitively, but it's hard to accept when my entire life I have felt responsible for it (because that's how my immediate family and extended family view it).

Maybe you feel toxic because you feel responsible for the CSA in some way? I haven't figured it all out yet, but you are not alone and I'm right here with you in this messy process.

PassionFruit