(((Yaku)))

I just wanted to offer some encouragement. I have discussed CSA (in detail) with my male T. One thing that I've realized is that a normal, healthy man would not be aroused by such a thing. My T, in fact, was horrified. Only someone with a really depraved mind would get off on that stuff.

One thing that my T has done is help me to see just how damaging and persistent my abuser's behavior was. T introduced me to a concept called "covert incest" - referring to a type of CSA that is suggestive rather than overt. I assumed that my abuse occurred in one isolated act. But after hearing from my T about how fathers are supposed to interact with their daughters, I see just how much of my father's behavior toward me was sexualized.

It has been so validating and healing to have an older man affirm the inappropriateness of my abuser's behavior. I think we as a society are conditioned to think of men as slaves to an insatiable (and often twisted) libido. CSA, unfortunately, reinforces this belief. However, the reality is much different. There are MANY men in the world who find CSA to be gross and inexcusable. I'm sure your T probably falls into that category.

I observed on a few occasions that my T would "light up" (intellectually) whenever I would get on a really dark and heavy topic, and I finally called him on it. He said it was because he knows how difficult it is for women dealing with CSA to open up to a male therapist, and he never takes their trust or courage for granted. He says it amazes him that women would be willing to take such a risk just to move past their pain. So on we go.

I totally understand your fears and hesitations, so I won't advise you on what to do. However, since opening up to a male T feels so risky, maybe trying it with a female T first will help reduce the anxiety. I do think it would be worthwhile to, at some point, discuss the CSA with your male T, especially considering how long you've worked together. I think it could be very healing for you.