I am trying not to give up. I was in communication with T yesterday, because he didn't understand my "can't," so I ended up having to clarify directly to the point that I was having an intense desire to quit or schedule a termination session, and hopes that he would give up on me. Then I worried that it would seem offensive, after all he's given, my thinking that way. He just not to worry about such a thing and that now is about getting me through this time. I realized and told him that I felt like...I need to provide him an out, but he said simply, "Don't need an out."
I can't imagine ever being in that room again. Whether it's waves of terror or waves of shame. I don't know whether he will try to schedule a Friday or not. I know...I am not capable of quitting without somebody agreeing with me, and nobody will. Not T, not H, not anyone I have talked to about it. I always make right, hard decisions. I grew up having to do it. I don't want to do what's right. now. Partially, I just want things to be easy. Partially, I just need to punish myself. There is stuff in my head and in my body that is twisted by this particular abuse. And, since I'm hopeless it can change...sometimes it's like, "Then what the hell am I doing here wasting everyone's time?"
I'm having a lot of intense need to punish my body right now if the topic pops into my head and especially knowing how direct I was and that T now knows basically all the ways I was broken by this as a kid and in my marriage as an adult, which led to my accepting being treated a way I didn't realize was not OK (and neither did H, because my responses were confusing as hell).
I think, in the end, I might be avoiding one of the most "toxic" things to me, and that is my own anger. I can't really direct it at anyone, but it wasn't safe to have, so usually I get destructive if I have any at all, even if it's not toward another person. And I have these strong blips of rage at what was stolen from me...the ability to develop normally and experience that area of my life the way I was meant to, and how it has deprived or defrauded my H, and other people in my life I should have known how to protect. I don't want things the way they are but I'm stuck with them. And then I get rageful (in an at-the-universe sort of way). But I have nowhere to go with it, so it just makes me want to tear myself apart or abandon myself by quitting. Or else, I start to slip back into denial and remember things people have said which have made me doubt this stuff could have happened, whatever the evidence going back in my life to the age Boo is now, the age right after it happened. It's pathetic and confusing. It's easier for me to deal with the idea of being warped irrevocably from birth than to just be mad that someone did this to me.
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