I wasn't sure if I had successfully quit or canceled, so I had to ask T last night, because I didn't know if I was supposed to be coming today. He said he assumed I was just processing and it was up to me. I said I think I need to come. I used need, because I really don't want to go...really, really, really don't want to have to be in that kind of terror again. He gave me a time and said he'd see me then, though no smiley like usual, which probably only means that he's busy...but now anything he does I will read even more into it than usual.

I asked if he was mad and no answer...I feel like he probably gets sick of the question and it makes him more mad, but more likely he was just busy or driving home or forgot or didn't notice it.

If my sessions start ending a bit earlier, it probably won't be about how he sees me differently now, but I will think it is.

If he sits across the room instead of on the same side, I will probably think he is protecting himself from me, when most likely, he is being very careful to give me physical space due to what I have shared and how terrified I am.

If he doesn't presume/offer a hug at the end of my session, it will probably be because I froze during it last Friday and declined it Monday out of fear...but I will think it's that I am toxic and he finally gets it, because my letter explained it in so much detail.

I really just need to go in there and remember that safe and close does exist. I'm afraid I've lost it forever, either because I will have made him withdraw in horror, or because I can never get back there...and will always just be stuck in terror.

So...no, I don't want to go. I know I need to. And I make right choices for myself and my family as much as I can. But I don't want to go. I want everyone to give up on me, so I can have permission to do it too.