The session went really well, all things considered. T couldn't have responded to me more appropriately if he had read everything I wrote here. There's obviously no such thing as perfection, but he offered just what I needed...time and space to express all my fears...reassurance that it actually is safe there...(cautious) approach to me and asking me if he could for example, put a hand on my arm, or ask me a follow up question about something...reassurance that I can't and could never actually change people or make them bad...and eventually, a much needed hug, despite knowing in more detail some of my deepest shame.
I kept having this, "How can you stand it?" (being in my general vicinity) question toward him, so we talked about that a lot. He said it felt like a little kid saying, "Mom, are you SURE there's no boogeyman in my room?" Like the truth of our relationship and his impression of it is so obvious to him, but he gets that in my mind those fears feel very true.
Anyway, I am in a lot of pain right now. As usual, being able to slightly connect and push past some of the fear basically brought up an ocean of hurt and maybe a tiny fountain of anger (I'm probably not ready for anything more than that right now). So, if I kind of disappear again, I'm really sorry.
