The question of how long I've been seeing my T is a slightly complicated one. I've been seeing her one on one for almost a year. However, I have known her since I was a teenager. When I first met and worked with her, it was at an eating disorders treatment facility, and she was one of the regular therapists. It was all group therapy there. I liked her and felt comfortable with her then. So, 16 years later, when I knew I had to make a change and going back into therapy seemed to be the answer that made the most sense, I started looking for a therapist. I used online resources and just hadn't found anyone that I immediately felt I could try to build a relationship with. To my surprise, my T was listed as having her own private practice. And I knew she was the one I could work with. Lucky me, she actually remembered me from all those years ago, which was a bonus as there were plenty of patients she worked with at the eating disorders facility, and who knows how many countless others since she started her own practice. So, even going into therapy with her, there was a history there. Which was and is comforting, and in some ways has made this process a little easier, since I wasn't starting from square one with her.
As far as at times not wanting to feel close to her, I haven't really thought about it that way. I know there are times I push her away, and have told her that I am doing so. She always smiles and says that she knows.
But I have never thought that I might be doing that because it's too scary or hard to handle. Maybe it is. I don't know what it is to be wholly accepted and understood. I keep waiting to be told what I'll have to do or be in order to keep that understanding and acceptance. I keep waiting for those instructions that, if followed to the letter, will allow me to stay. I don't trust not knowing what is specifically wanted and expected of me. Because if I don't know that, and I fail to meet those expectations, then I'm once again not good enough. Then whatever acceptance may have been granted me will be withdrawn.
Musical Me