I went on a little vacation with my four kids this past weekend. During my 5 hour drive, there and then back, I thought about this some more.

Monte, what you say makes sense. I kept thinking about what you said. Then thinking about how I deal with my children. One still says he will live with me forever. Then I thought about what my T said about telling her what I thought I wanted my own mom to tell me....that she would be there whenever I needed her. And, then of course T's reaction was that she would NOT be there for me whenever I needed her....so why try to say she's in a mother position for me....she's really not. What mom would say, I'll talk to you one time a week for 50 minutes and no other time. Well, at least not a 'typical mom,' or at least not me. I'd not say that to my children.

"If you are baulking so powerfully at the idea of less than weekly appointments, surely your T needs to step back and have a look at the cause of your insecurity, and expose it and address it."

I wish she would help me to feel safe and loved....something happened and it is all falling apart. I don't feel like I trust her right now.

I do notice when I suggest longer intervals between sessions (like in the past couple of years) it has felt safe to do so....but if T suggests it, I get sick to my stomach and feel pushed away and feel terrified. It is like I regress. I don't necessarily need her more, well, maybe reassurance that she is there....ugh....I don't know.

I do feel very child-like right now. In general I feel very emotionless....I mean my husband has been travelling a lot - I have no feeling about it, my mom had a heart attack - I have no feeling about it, my T doesn't want to see me weekly - I do have feelings about it and I begin to say "it doesn't matter" like I did as a teen when I tried to dismiss my feelings or myself - like I wanted to disappear from the world because no one would listen to my feelings or ask about them anyway.

My husband suggested that T went to a seminar and listened to a session on "dependency" and then came home and started pushing me away. She did just go to a seminar like a month or two ago. It kind of makes sense.

She used to be warm and accepting of my needing her. Although I have only had twice a week sessions during my separation from my husband, it has mostly been weekly otherwise. Only a few times I have gone twice a month instead of four times. When I do that I get this fear that if I had to cancel one session then the time between sessions turns into four weeks and that SCARES me. I've told her that, and she has said that I could get a different day/different appointment if I had to cancel Wednesday at 11. But in my experience, in the past, I have not been able to get an appointment with short notice. She's always booked up a month out, at least.

TN, thank you again. I have been very sad this past month, but knowing you are here, as well as other forum members, listening and hearing me and supporting me does help.

I don't want to see T tomorrow, but I'm not going to cancel. I've been thinking about writing my feelings on a small piece of paper and handing it to her when I get there. I've never done it and I'm curious what she would do/say if I did.

Thanks again for listening; I appreciate you.

Ninn