After all this time, and knowing the opposite is true, why does everything inside me scream that he hates me, and why am I compelled to obey that belief in what I am allowed to think, feel, say (ask for), do, need, even take in and receive? When I know it is about other people a long time ago, even exactly how my perception of hatedness (whether an accurate reading of those caregivers or not) came to be, why is it still like jumping into an abyss every time I fight through the perception to try to communicate? Why am I still so sure of my wrongness, ashamed of my existence, and protective of his imaginary vulnerabilities to those things after all this time? Will it ever get better? Will I ever feel loved as I know I am or at least not hated as a toxic threat? I'm so tired of trudging through this...