Hi yaku. My heart really goes out to you. Feeling hated by the person you want to love and accept you is so painful. And I can agree that attachment has been all those things you mentioned and more.

I want to tell you there is hope for moving forward. Unfortunately, it’s been a very slow process. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone, but I can share what I learned from another T that I saw for one session. She said I would feel what I feel with or without my T. She said I feel hated with or without my T. My feelings are my own. So I needed to think about what is the feeling behind the obvious feelings.

I’m slowly finding some relief from this idea of feeling hated by my T. It kind of led down this path… I felt that T hated my guts and despised me. But under that was the fact that I actually hated myself. The process of self-hatred was even more intensely painful than feeling that T hated me. I’ve come to learn that my extreme self-hatred was/is probably a strong defense against feeling intense amounts of shame.

I am currently working on my shame by accepting my own humanity. I am human and the things I've experienced were violent and brutal. While my million defense mechanisms are not normal for "normal" people, they are completely understandable and expected for someone with my history. Ever so slowly, I am learning to have compassion on myself by accepting that how I feel and what I think about myself are a result of what was done to me. But what was done to me does not determine or define who I am. I am a human being with dignity and value. I haven't completely or perfectly internalized this truth, but I'm slowly allowing it to seep into my heart.

I hope this helps somehow.

PassionFruit