Hey AG,

Oh, what can I say, but thank you, thank you.

It's terrible, terrible work. I know I shouldn't be scared of things, but OHMYGOD I feel scared of things. And then I feel like an ass that I'm scared when all everyone is doing is taking good care of me. No one is doing anything bad to me. My mother did bad things to me when I was a child. I feel angry that this is the way it is. I feel like screaming to myself, "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! WE ALREADY SUFFERED THIS! I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MY GOOD LIFE THAT I HAVE NOW! IT'S NOT FAIR THAT NOW, WHEN IT IS FINALLY GOOD, IT'S GETTING RUINED BY YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS."

I know that it's *because* I'm safe that I'm able to start processing this stuff. I (think I) know that it won't be like this forever. This is healing, not the new REALITY. This is not forever.

And I know the worst thing I can do to 13 is tell her she is bad, she is ruining things because of her feelings and needs, that I want her to go away. Because that's what she learned from my childhood.

But it's hard. I want to feel safe. I want to be happy. I want to be a good wife (yes, I hear that word, good, and know that deep down, 13 things that means to be what I call translucent - no needs, no feelings, no substance) to my good wife.

And I just feel so.... overwhelmed and overwrought at the prospect of this work.

Thanks BLT and AG. It helps so much to be able to say/read this stuff.