Tagged With "Cookie Monster"
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Okay, folks, this is a huge post, processing what you said. So I’ll start out by saying THANK YOU for your responses. It is so encouraging and helps so much to sort out what is going on, so I have some hope of discussing this with my T and making some sense. I never would have stayed in therapy to this point without you. Thank you!!! AG, Thank you, AG! This is what I was trying to say. You said it perfectly. But then I go even further and imagine the creep he might actually be. And I get...
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Re: Dialectical Behavior Therapy
df, it does help, what you said. and somehow i can see it more clearly in your deal, i guess, les personal. but, wow, what a revelation! she was caring about how you were feeling/doing with your adjustment in hours. yes, i would automatically go on the defensive and assume she was being, or going to be critical. so, back to my deal, yes, i bottled up feeling hurt (can't go there, i say to myself, coz the depth of my hurt is too much to tap into) so i go to people pleasing and assuming i did...
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Re: Session
I am motivated to go to therapy because I know I will be listened to and understood, and knowing I am not burdening her, because I am paying her, helps me. Sometimes I can't talk, when I get there, and my anxiety goes through the roof, but I remind myself she will get frustrated if I don't talk, so I got to find a way to get it out. And, I know if I get it out, and stop burying my feelings, I will be okay. The past two months I have started to stuff all my feelings again, and the...
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Re: Inner Child Work (Latest)
It's taken me a little while to work up to the point of posting in this thread... I struggle with the 'Inner Child' concept a lot myself... and I wanted to chime in and say that you're not alone. When my T first brought up the concept with me... I think I did that mystical thing where you don't actually hear what they say and just carry on talking. My T's explained that this is a theraputic defense mechanism that forces our brains to filter out things we're not ready to hear/deal with. I...
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Re: ...
((((YAKU))))) Wow, Yaku, what a dream. Even though your emotions might be locked up, they found a way to speak to you and show you that you are a caring person, which we never doubted. I hope you can hang onto it too because it would be devastating for BOO if you were not around. My cousins Dad died suddenly when they were young. Their Mom remarried an alcoholic sex abuser. So not only did they have to deal with the loss of, by all accounts, a really great Dad but then they had to deal with...
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Re: Failure
I don't want to scare anyone. I don't think that it has to end in a disaster only because we're in a very long therapy. Our stories and issues are different, and so are the therapists. I had a serious diagnosis, and things went wrong. For you to be able to make any sense of it you'll need to hear some of my Therapy-story. Forgive me for going into details here and there. I think it will be more difficult to understand without certain details. This is the only therapy I ever had. I'm not sure...
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Re: Banned members
Jones, I admit to posting a one or two sentence message/comment about the past moderation here on another forum. I saw it was deleted immediately. I had also linked that forum to others here, letting others know i was a member. The context that you may have left out is-i tried to bring up the moderation issues respectfully on the open forum. It was to the point that moderating meant (unintentionally) bullying others, in my perception (and i don't mean the trolls). I was ignored. However, I...
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Re: Difficult Words
abandoned abused anger care self-pity I have fought any gender reference to the self-destructive part of me, thinking of it more as some monster inside of me, but I think I made a step forward this week in acknowledging that it is part of me, as much as I don't like that feeling.
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Re: art in therapy. . . help, please
(((HIC))) So... my personal experience: I am not an artist, but I like doing "artistic" journaling, and draw things, which often look quite childish but are representations of my inner world. At some point I really hesitated about bringing them up in therapy, as it was often about things I would not know how to talk about, or even express in words. My main problem was that I felt it was terribly arrogant to bring those childish drawings. But I did bring them. And it was a good choice: a) my...
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Re: .
All those times people said you said or did little things you didn't remember, you just say, "I couldn't have, because I never would say/do/even feel that." You're lucky if most of these are small things like agreeing to go out to eat a type of food you absolutely hate. You believe it's not true, that you are making it up somehow. That you are just looking for excuses, or for attention. That you are exaggerating stuff that isn't there now, manufacturing a history that never happened. But,...
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Re: Poor, poor me!
(((((River))))))) LOVE the picture! I'm sorry, those last minute cancellations are just really hard especially since its making an already too long gap even longer. That picture absolutely captures the feeling. I remember once hitting the end of a five week gap (our vacation ran into my Ts vacation) and getting a cancellation call moving us back another week (!). The reason? The birth of his first grandchild. What kind of selfish monster puts the birth of his first grandchild before one of...
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Re: Terrified that I Can't be Helped by T
LL, Yes, destruction... Let me try to explain some of that. I have had some T's that pushed their belief systems on me - and their belief systems were as bad as mine or even worse! I don't believe they did it intentionally but none the less it was not a good thing. One had this idea that we all have choices... And yes we do! But she had me believing that events in my life happened due to my choices. Like choosing to be in that place or with that person... Maybe the events that have happened...
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Re: what do I do? or why does it hurt so much?
(((((((incognito)))))))))) I sorry for all the pain you're in and how isolated you're feeling. I have struggled with the same feelings and I do know how horrible it can feel when we're less than perfect with our kids (oddly enough, most of my session this morning was on that very subject) but you need to hear that you are being WAY too hard on yourself. Any parent occasionally mishandles situations with their kids (and honestly, aside from maybe coming down too hard, I can see where you...
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Re: EMDR
{{{{{{{Jones}}}}}}} Jones, first may I please say "what AG said" because she said it so well. I read your post this morning and found it so disturbing I haven't been able to get it out of my mind all day...and that was just from reading about it. In fact, whenever you post about your bast*rd of a stepdad, I find it disturbing to my core. When you were 4, how he told you you couldn't have your dad when you missed him, and to stop upsetting your mother. And the way he'd force you to have eye...
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Re: Triggered by 'gift' from T
Seablue, Are you kidding? I think it calls for cartwheels! That takes so much courage to put yourself out there when the shame monster hits and you just want to run away. Believe me, I know! I'm doing a bit better, thanks so much for asking. My T will probably get an ear full when I see her on Wednesday. I have a lot to get off my chest, and I've been a lot more emotional lately than usual so I know I need to get it out because my body is telling me so. I don't even want to answer the phone...
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Re: Does Your T Know You Post on this Forum?
AG: Thanks. I needed to hear all of that. I know what I feel for my T is real, I just wonder if SHE knows. Maybe she does, and that's why she doesn't want to hear it. I don't know. I wish I could conquer the fear and just tell her. I think I'm going to have to write her a separate letter about my feelings. These things HAVE to come out, I just CAN'T do it in person--I'm way too chicken. I hate that stupid shame monster. Thank you for your encouragement, AG! STRM: This is me exactly. I don't...
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Re: feeling/being 'seen'
Thank you to those who have made me feel welcome to participate....I believe that disagreement is healthy....in fact, I welcome it with open arms, but AG has painted a rather monstrous picture of me...and I am deeply hurt by it....it feels like she can have her opinion by I am a monster because I have mine....I haven't been able to stop the flow of tears since I read her post...Guess I won't be getting any work/writing done on my thesis today (I am just finishing up my masters)... as I am...
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Re: feeling/being 'seen'
Sarah - wow, your masters thesis? How is it going? I'm hoping to go back to school to finish my last semester and then on to grad school soon, hopefully very soon! studying for the GRE now. (oh I am so eager to go back!) I'm sorry you feel so sad. Hang in there. Do you have a T? have you talked with them about how you are doing? just concerned. btw, I don't think AG or Shrinklady or anyone has "painted a monstrous picture" of you at all! I can’t speak for everyone, but I don’t see you as a...
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Re: anyone have much experience with hypnosis or disassociative states??
Jill, I dissociate often in sessions. T is always asking - where are you going and I have to make an effort to come back at times. I can also relate to the feeling of watching the abuse happen - from above. I suspect I spent a lot of time dissociated as a child. I was very often accused of daydreaming and even had my hearing tested several times in elementary school. We have done some hypnosis/guided imagery - I am unsure if there is and what the difference is really. We have talked about...
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Re: thinking of T4...what to look for...academics? modes? ethics??
forlorn, ok, picture it, i am going to walk in the door, and crawl in their lap and ask them to stroke my hair, and if they can't handle that, then they are not the t for me!! (i am joking!! but i do want to lay it all out there FAST and see if they run, i also plan to read them my email, and hers, and see if they would handle it the same, or bolt) mhp, i just don't know how quickly an analyst could catapult changes in my child?? and FOT, yes, the psychiatrists i have met do seem a bit...
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Re: thinking of T4...what to look for...academics? modes? ethics??
oh, provo...you don't know the guilt monster?? i don't think i could feel good about the 'play' i would have with a man who knew all my secrets and wasn't my husband, and i know there have been attractive mentally or physically, mainly mentally husbands of friends that i have had to keep extra distance from, as i get to close and i want to 'play'...mentally, my husband does just fine keeping me satisfyed in the other arenas, but mental banter????? oh, how i love it. and i know how to play,...
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Re: spiraling
Thank you all. I feel like I can't express gratitude appropriately right now but I am grateful for your support. ***warning trigger*** I'm hurt. Aching, literally. Had chest pains this afternoon. Will see pcp tomorrow. I'm reaching my limits. I can't control my emotions or control how well I function. Sometimes I'm "up" and I get lots accomplished, then randomly, other times I'm "down" and in bed for hours. Sunday was very very down. I can't call my T. I am afraid too. I called her last week...
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Re: spiraling
Forlorn, it is very good that you reach out here. I hear you sounding very confused and scared about the reaction of your T. May I share something with you? I went through a long period of time in T where it seemed very clear to me that my T was cold, forbidding and judgemental of me. He seemed to validate all my own worst fears about myself being abd and such. It is a very scary and painful thing. I think it was wrong of her to say what she did. Your anger needs to be heard and understood,...
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Re: spiraling
(((((forlorn))))) you are not alone... and you are definitely not a monster! you are the sweetest person, my first online friend, so caring and honest and just adorable... and yes, troubled, but who isn't? i hope it doesn't hurt you more when i tell you that my T used to say to me that i can be angry, she can handle it. i am so sorry that your T couldn't do that for you because you so deserve it! (((hugs)))
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Re: spiraling
Forlon I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. You are not alone at all... you have this huge community here to listen to you and support you. Do you have any family at all? Or a co-worker or friend you could call? I know I would be happy to help out a friend who needs some support if they called me. On the matter of your T...if she got scared because you were emotional on the phone then she is in the wrong profession. The problem is with her and not with you. You are in need of help and that...
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Re: spiraling
OK I'm trying to be ok now. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....Chugga chugga chugga... PeaceQuest- Good to "meet" you. I'm sorry to hear you're spiraling at the moment too. I hope things get turned around soon for you. I'm thinking it must be the season. I am seeing a T and P now. I'm trying to keep things focused on what's happening rather than my emotions with my T so I can not fall apart in sessions. And the P is new, I'm back on meds and hoping that will help. Are you with a...
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Re: Seeing a "backup therapist" during break
Hi LL, I still don't know what the hell to do...or what the hell I'm doing. So my plan is to tell my T exactly how I'm feeling about him, namely that I hate him for all the reasons I've repeatedly stated here AND with him for the past 2.5 years, although I've never looked him in the eye and said, "I despise you for being cold, detached, impersonal and for making me feel helpless and hopeless, and I'm feeling like I'd rather see bakT than you." That's exactly what I plan on telling him...
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Re: Deeply Grieving and Losing Hope
Jones, thank you so much. That you would take the time to write such a moving and thoughtful post to me in the middle of your own difficulties in changing Ts is very much appreciated. I have read what you wrote over and over again trying to absorb what you are saying. I'm not focusing well these days and I understand that you are not invalidating my grief and pain and that you are trying so hard to be careful not to add further hurt to an awful situation. Thank you for that. I wonder if I...
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Re: My Favorite Poems about therapy
"THE PROMISE" As I noticed myself becoming old and gray, I knew it was time to visit the little girl of yesterday. She had been kept safely hidden In a place where others had been forbidden. She knew I had to leave her long ago, So one of us could find the strength to grow. I promised her that I would someday return, For she was my main concern. No one could understand how her and I connect, For I was the one present during the crime and neglect. As I opened the door to yesterday, I heard...
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Re: being angry at myself was way easier than this
oh - your words mean so much to me... thank you everyone... I feel rather down and blah today. Like I have been half chewed up and spit out by a grief-and-trigger monster. It's been awhile since I have been triggered to the point of flashbacks - and they have hit me hard today. It's exhausting. I'm also surprised - despite the intensity of the triggers, emotions, flashbacks, grief, and anxiety - I have not been numb or "disconnected" (i.e. somewhat dissociative) at all. Not a bit. I also...
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Re: Awesome Article on Complex PTSD
tn, really good article. thanks. i printed it out and am giving it to my dbt gal, don't want to insult her, and i am not one to have ever given an article to a t, but this is really good, and i think points to the empathy needed from a t to really heal. i hope i have one who can go the distance. but this article helped me. and even today, a really bad, bad spiral. and i think i found some of the pulling yourself out tools in here helpful. a long road that c-ptsd weaves...the subtle, and not...
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Re: I miss my T. *Update*
Thank you Jones, starfish, seablue and STRM, it really helped to have your support. I think I finally connected what the fear was about. I am returning to my attachment figure after being out exploring and I am unsure what I will find. When I went towards my dad I never knew what I would get: the "good" daddy or the monster. So once again, my poor innocent T is having to bear the suspicion my father created. I actually think that, that for all my conscious reasons about going back, that...
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Re: Trying to work and connect with my inner li'l ones
Thanks Amber. Yes, I've done some writing/drawing using my non-dominant hand and what came out was extremely powerful. Right now, the adult me is actually feeling scared and intimidated by li'l one's fear, pain and anger. It's too much for her to handle on her own but she can't let go of any of it. This feels so confusing, like there's a monster lurking just beneath the surface. Until it's dealt with, we can't get on with business of living a fuller life. On nights like tonight, I take both...
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Re: Therapist misunderstood
Hi Ang, I hope the zoo went well. Just... I have never been "dangerous" with my T. Or anyone. I have never been a threat. But, at a time, I could definitely be perceived as one, and I am quite sure a T who would have known me and suffered my "boundary crossings" at that time would have been afraid. I deeply regret it, and wish I never ever do anything like that again. Now, the idea of simply going on my T's professional website makes me physically sick, because I am afraid of crossing those...
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Re: Trying
Hi turtles. I did DBT class. It help me with other emotions. I am not sure how to use it with anger. The DBT therapist told me I need more radical acceptance. I felt like she was telling me to accept that I fail and can not do things and people will hurt me all the time and get away with it. I am not sure she meant that. I do not know what else she means. I fail a lot. My anger is worse now than ever. I do not know what I do wrong or why. Someone was speaking today about love and kindness...
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Re: Regulating emotions
hi Becca, I find anger to be a really problematical feeling because the way I saw anger modeled was so scary. For me, to express anger would be to either turn into an abusive monster or be destroyed because I dared to express it. I have found out that I carry some pretty deep rage. I also learned recently how deeply I protected myself from going there in my Ts presence. He recently confronted me about it. I talked about on my blog so if you don't mind, I'll send you there. I also have a post...
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Re: How do you dream?
Hi, HIC. I've also had that disembodied observer type dream. In fact, some of my "character" dreams will become that way (kind of what i meant by dual awareness) if I somehow realize the a conflict with my real life in the middle of a dream. It's interesting that your kids never appear at the same time, and you're not actually married to your H. I only have one child (one on the way), so I haven't had that experience. Usually if I dream about real world people, they inhabit their actual...
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Re: Guilty - Have you told T?
I can't find how to start a new PM conversation so I will try to answer here. I went to therapy specifically about that "bad" thing, because I knew it could not go on, the guilt and shame (as well as the possible actual legal consequences) were eating me up. So I did not wonder too much on whether I was going to talk about it or not. Then, the actual saying, I dont remember. Like everytime i decide to talk about sth really scary, My feelings and all were very "dulled" because I absolutely...
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Re: Guilty - Have you told T?
Thanks, ElizaJ, for sharing your story. I couldn't quite tell if you told your T and THEN ended up with a sentence or if you told T AFTER. In other words, did she do something to involve the legal system? I understand what you describe about doing something bad vs being bad. And yes, I suppose it is the shame that makes me feel I am bad. That's what shame it, really. But I feel guilt too, and that's different from shame. I do think T will accept me anyway. And I am sure I will end up telling...
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Re: Morning Peeps - 2014
Morning Peeps - I'm enjoying the out-of-season delectable-ness of lightly sugared blackberries. It brings a much needed sweetness to my life. Trouble in paradise. Sadly, sadly true. Anger. It has turned into a monster, and she has been getting bigger and scarier. She attacked Monday morning, screaming, raging. It was the worst ever, and Little Me sought the smallest place to hide - the shower stall, cowering, crying - even though the beast was gone, left for work. Not safe even then. The...
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Re: Transference hell
((((AG)))) I don't think you're indifferent to my pain at all, and I haven't taken anything you've said in that way. So no worries. I really appreciate what you and TN and Very Hopeful are doing. Thank you. I wasn't able to express any of these thoughts in session, because after he said his piece, I pretty much shut down. I spent most of the leftover time awkwardly staring at the carpet. And the internal ache was so bad that I couldn't put words to any of my feelings. All I could puzzle out...
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Re: Transference hell
I find hitting it over the head with a large stick can be helpful. Sorry I joke, but I know it can feel well-nigh impossible to speak when the shame monster is prowling, but try to remember that the shame is not really yours... it belongs to the people who abused you and failed to protect you. And from everything you've said, your T sounds really solid. It truly sucks, but the only solution I have found to shame is to do the exact thing its telling you not to do, which is to speak about it.
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Re: Any others to empathize?
Dear Struggling, Congrats to you on your studies. I am sure you will be of great assistance to others in your chosen profession. It is kind of funny how we choose our careers or how our lives send us in that direction. I also work in the field with addicts, alcoholics and the psychiatric population. So many friends and relatives ask me how I work with addicts considering my past, but I love them and I love my work. Call it my way of working through my issues I guess. I always see so much...
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Re: angry but i will keep my mouth shut to you
Dear ElizaJ Absolutely I do see how the texting is harmful to me especially when I don't receive a reply in what I consider to be a timely fashion. Yes it is something I am working on. Sometimes I don't text her at all but when the transference is triggered it is like a monster takes over and I do it anyway. T and I are working on moderating that behavior. There are times when I am really good with it and have no contact at all between sessions. I have fallen short in the ability to handle...
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Re: i want
i were pretending to be a sea monster and kept knocking the kids raft over and then pullin them to the side into me'cave', them thought it were hilarus! samy
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Re: Holidays over, back to reality
(((((OW))))) I'm glad the session is over for you today. I am sure that was hard, yet at least you felt assured of the T's backing. I am sorry your husband is being difficult about it, but of course this is hard on him and how he feels is NO reflection on you no matter how he states it and raises his voice! Perhaps he feels helpless and he just doesn't know where to go with it. Please feel free to talk more if you need anyone to listen. We are all here for you. JM PS I completely agree with...
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Re: Holidays over, back to reality
Thanks again JM. I don't think my son's a monster but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything I could to help him. If I did nothing, and then he grew up to be a sexual predator, I would be letting him down as much as I would be letting my daughter down or any other potential vicitm. I want to give him the best chance possible to be a happy, functioning, well-adjusted adult. My husband thinks I am risking my son's future (getting DHS and the courts involved) in favor of...
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Re: .
(((((DF)))))) I can't believe you had to go through that. It's like fatal attraction. You are not a monster. YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER. She's making you feel like a monster. You are one of the kindest people I know. Talk about repetition compulsion on her part.
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Re: .
DF – you are not a monster at all! You are being actually being kind. She knows you know that she sent the flowers and yet you invited nothing more. I would be concerned if you hadn’t immediately closed the door. You did the right thing. You were not cruel - you were clear and very respectful. Talking with her would have likely been something she took the wrong way, and you were not mean either. She is not being safe. This would be upsetting for me on many levels, and you are already dealing...