Tagged With "emotionally distant"
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Re: into the breach
Jones, I really do hope that you can repair the connection with your T. I hear that you still feel let down by her and she still didn't do enough to bring you back. I don't know how much it takes, but maybe it needs to take few sessions to straighten things out, to feel again that you can trust her and she understands you. Maybe it just takes a bit more time. I'm trying to tell what I would hope for myself if I would go into the breach with my T. I realize my T is not perfect either. I...
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Re: How can I trust T again?
Thank you ladies for your replies. I really appreciate the encouragement I get from all of you, and your great insight, as I have such a hard time being objective about my own stuff. I want to reply to all of you individually, but right now I have so much in my head and I'm spinning out in my mind and just need to get it all out. I'm sorry. I have more to vent and didn't want to start a new thread since I'm already complaining here and figured I might as well continue on my already existing...
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Re: How can I trust T again?
MTF, I could have written that myself. So many times I have been totally convinced that my T was angry with me, wanted to be rid of me, thought I was an idiot (and many other nasty things) and once I brought it up in session none of it was true. My T likes to tease me that it's interesting that I can tell him exactly how he feels but none of it is true. I think everyone gave you good advice and I just want to add two thoughts that came to mind. First, I think it's exactly because you felt so...
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Re: She sees other Cs
Oh, yes, MTF! It's horrible - makes you feel smaller and less significant, doesn't it? I have a story about this. One day after a rather depressing session I walked with my T back to the receptionist desk so I could schedule future appointments. Her next client was waiting there, making jokes with the receptionist. He was a real comic and immediately began making jokes with my T as he walked with her down to her office. Minutes later I could hear my T roaring in laughter, audible even...
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Re: Define 'Disorganized Attachment', please?
Hi Russ, Sounds like you're in a bad spot, and since I can completely identify with you here I wanted to reply. I know the cold mother story myself, and the "problem of love". My T had me get a book right at the start of therapy called "Reinventing Your Life". It's CBT based and talks about 'lifetraps' we set for ourselves based on how we learned to cope with life as children as we dealt with the life we were subjected to. In the book there's a chapter called "The Emotional Deprivation...
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Re: Lamplighter absent for a bit FINAL UPDATE
Update Pussy cat (aka Peeky Puss, one of his nicknames) was starting to pick up but yesterday deteriorated badly. We’ve been back and forwards to vet, who doesn’t really know exactly what’s wrong with him - seems two options are the most likely, heart failure or cancer but without further intensive and traumatizing tests at a distant animal hospital the vet can’t tell, nor does she seem able to give me any info about what to expect (so of course I’m spending all the time I’m not sitting with...
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Re: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide
Hi BB, I imagine that must be extremely confusing and can understand why you would think it being cruel. A counselling relationship should be consistent. It seems that by him being dismissive with you allows you to access a part of you that is able to feel more in tune with your family but in such a state that you can’t show it to them due to your hurting inside. I too wonder if it could be because you feel you didn’t get what you needed from your T. I wouldn’t think that your T is doing...
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Re: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide
Hi BB, OK, first, you're not posting too much!! We're all here for exactly this, so we have somewhere to go with this stuff when we're confused and need support. And you are always providing support for everyone else. Stop being so selfish and give us a chance to give to you. I'm getting these half-formed impressions from what you're saying that I can't quite pin down. So I'm going to offer my observations while being very up front that I could be WAY OFF here. It's just that some of the...
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Re: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide
Oh, gosh, thank you all, so much. AG, especially you, today, of all days to take time to post to me. And all of you. ooo, I just realized that I made it sound like as if he came right out and said, "it's your fault and it's because you are angry." hm, no it wasn't like that. My T would never say those words. He kept saying, "Maybe you are angry with me." or, "you sound like you are angry at me." but he would say, "I could be wrong, but maybe you are." But I felt, not really angry, just...
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Re: I think I just quit again -UPDATE: I went back
Just wanted to update for anyone who wondered what the end of the story was. I texted my T this morning to say I was afraid to be in physically close space with her today in her office, and that my mouth didn't want to open. Reading between the lines that meant I didn't know if I would come in to my session. She wrote back: "closeness can be scary. you can maintain the space you need until you are ok with it and can trust that i will not hurt you. good morning sweetie." It was a good...
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Re: What do you think your attachment style is?
Hmm. Looking on Wiki thing, I would say that I am anxious-preoccupied attachment. I have a history of being involved with a few people who are usually very fearul-avoidant. A recipe for emotional chaos unfortunately because the more I clinged, the more they cut themselves off. These days I feel that I am tending toward dismissive-avoidant with friends and the like. I just seem to get IMMEDIATELY very, very anxious and preoccupied in intimate relationships. It's terrible. I loose my appetite...
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Re: What do you think your attachment style is?
Hey LL to answer your question about my attachment style and how I change when I get attached. I am generally avoidant but after reading above - definitely chuck in a health dose of schizoid - I can happily do without people.... Anyway - generally avoidant with friends. BUT when I feel a spark of attachment - I crave it, become obsessed. Maybe this new acquaintance is going to be my new best friend and will love me and will actually GET me? Doesn't happen that often anymore (that a friend...
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Re: Therapy Update (*Mon Session)
TN - I hope you're right that the emotional release will happen eventually. It sometimes feels like my inner world, so-to-speak, is some sort of pound and all the cute little animals are locked up in tiny cages, just barely being given enough food and water to not die. And for 30 years, that was enough...but it's just not anymore. My T is super sweet and fun and when I talk about him, I get the embarrassment of Little Yaku piping in, "I love Dr _!" I'm so glad you found your T too. I just...
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Re: Family Holiday Drama
(((Yaku))) I'm sure you know that even the most disfunctional families can appear almost 'normal' at times but none of that takes away from what has happened to you in the distant or recent past!! AND when that happens it's perfectly natural that you would look inside yourself and think Because the facts are that when you were vulnerable to them they hurt you!! Whether on purpose or not the result for you was unbearable pain and suffering! Try not to wear guilt where none is warranted!!
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Re: .
Echo! This is amazing. Wow, thankyou so much for this. Did you write it all?? This is the most significant problem I have: quote: people need to know, that you could have spent so long in a depersonalised state that you dont even recongnise you are in one I was born into an environment where upheaval and arguments were regular. Reading Bowlby's attachment theory, I am concerned that I have been in a constant state of disassociation/depersonalization since birth. I'm really uncertain. How...
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Re: .
Hi xoxo, I think I know what you are going through. I seem to be going through the same thing. The moment that T and I touched on end of sessions in the foreseeable future, I have been getting periodically depressed, panicky, anxious, and self-harming out of desperation and scared of being alone. I'm not really sure what to suggest. It's difficult because I feel that for someone to be there would be a great help but then I ask myself, would I get used to engulfing people or my T and not...
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Re: .
((((XOXO)))) I am sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. It's hard for me to respond without knowing more information. How often do you text? Is it a case of "the boy who cried wolf?" Do you typically text more a certain time of the week, say right after your sessions or right before your session or on the weekend? Does he ever answer? Does he answer a certain number of texts and then stop? Does he only answer if you specifically ask for a reply? I am having trouble with the rescue concept.
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Re: stupid feelings!
((BB)) darn feelings!!! I'm glad you posted, it's good to see you. I do the hot/cold dance a lot with my T right now she can seem so caring then I push her away in my mind and next time she seems so distant. It's hard when they get close to our feelings... yikes.
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Re: I need your support :'(
(((B2w))) thanks for that reply. Rationally I can understand that my mother has her own issues but I wish I could *feel* it. That's actually one of the things my T insisted on, that this is not my fault, and I can understand that my mother has problems, I can understand the importance of it not being about me, but I still don't *feel* it. Will it ever sink in? What a bad time for my T going on holidays, I'll only see him in another week so I'm on my own here Thank God I decided to get...
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Re: Inner Child Work (Latest)
Hi everyone, I have wanted to come back to this thread and to thank you all for all the support, information, sharing and kind words. I needed some time to digest everything and to process my Monday session with T. I will try to respond to some of you now. Yaku... Yaku thank you for your support and for being angry on my behalf. I wanted to tell you that my T really came through for me with the empathy this time. I had sent him an email on Friday evening after the phone call which felt...
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Re: Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy - experiences
i'm late to this thread, but i'm also seeing a psychoanalytical T and i wanted to add a few things. (it might be more of a negative rant as i'm angry with her at the moment). 2 years on, i still find it confusing, unbearably frustrating sometimes and a crazy emotional rollercoaster. my previous T was psychodynamic, she was similar in some of the ways she worked, except at a much less intense scale, but she was definetely warmer and more human. i dont get this at all with my current T, she is...
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Re: Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy - experiences
If I can add a bit to this, I did definitely feel the coldness coming from him at first, but I've gotten more and more open and less inhibited about complaining to him about how I feel and even my hostile feelings towards him (always handled constructively) that I feel very close to him and a little attached. In the end, he says something that makes me feel better 90% of the time. So, yeah, psychoanalysts are supposed to be a little distant, as tradition goes, but there should be an element...
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Re: T asked for end date
This would accurately describe her. I do not do relational work with her (as much as humanly possible) because she does this a lot. I had to ask her once to stop making assumptions about how I feel or what I think... she said she'd work on it (!?). Then later, I was having some transference about something and she says "You told me not to assume what you are thinking because you don't like it, so don't do it to me". My primary T is still okay with me working with her, for a variety of...
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Re: Today I got spun in circles UPDATED: it was on purpose!!
I want to eat my entire house and then lay in a ball on top of the rubble and CRY. I can't even explain. ((cogs)) My T uses those words too.... all I hear is 'good' 'good' 'good'. I'm sorry you feel like your T isn't there anymore. Mine feels far away and distant and evil and that she hates me... I just feel intense, by tomorrow it will be sorted out perhaps. I feel out of control right now. ((TN)) I'm sorry you had a bad session today too something in the air maybe... sorry Ts wife was...
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Re: Can't quite figure my P out
Hi Lorena. I am very sorry that things went so far with your T as I am sure that is what will make this break with him so difficult to deal with. While you may not feel like you can talk to anyone else about this, I hope it is only temporary. The two main people in your life recently were your T and your husband and from what I've read, both abused you in one way or another. Good as it was to spend so much time with your T and share so much, he was not keeping your best interests at heart,...
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Re: Male T vs Female T
Hi Amazon, I have been thinking about this too lately. I remember that we touched on this question briefly in another thread, Not Good Enough , but I'm glad you posted this because I think the topic deserves more exploration. You already know that I currently have a female T for some of the same reasons you listed above. A hang-up I have is that since I am married, I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to self-disclose and experience unconditional acceptance with a male T without feeling like...
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Re: Hope
Well, I'm really sorry for you guys loosing your mums. When I was a child I think I imagined that the worst thing that could happen to me would be to loose my mum. She wasn't perfect, she did her best I suppose but I felt very lonely throughout my childhood for some reason. I wondered sometimes if she loved me. I didn't quite feel loved. But she was there more or less. I think for me is more about the father. Very early I became very distant to him. He was not the person you would like to be...
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Re: Would you know if you had...
Amazon, I had a similar experience in that my mother never stood up for me when my father was distant, dismissive or just plain abusive. She once told me of a time that my father scolded me in that awful, sneering, super-hostile way that he has, over some minor infraction. I asked her if she did anything about it. She said no. I remember a time when my father totally humiliated me in front of another friend about my bad report card. She did nothing then, either. To many, this might sounds...
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Re: Now I'm really spinning...
More than Fine I was just about to post on your other thread when I saw this one, so here’s the reply I wrote. It’s pretty obvious your T has cocked up big time and hasn’t appreciated just how traumatic the effect of that has been on you. That she was in tears about it scares me I have to admit - I can just see how that would hook you into feeling that you have somehow hurt her and now you’re afraid of making her feel worse. My instinctive thought on reading your last post was to go with...
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Re: Firing my P tomorrow - feels like breaking up :(
I don't necessarily feel like it didn't mean anything to him... he said some other things that were nice. I feel that since I failed to really verbalize how I feel for him, I am responsible for how it turned out. If I could have been more emotionally honest with him today, then maybe he would have been less distant. If anything, he was just following my lead. As for seeing another therapist, he said he would make a list for me and make some notes on what he thought about each of them and...
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Re: flashbacks
This is great - you feel like you are the only one with such a problem, you read books and still feel distant, then you post here and suddenly you KNOW you are not the only one AG Me too, I think when the feelings and memories came, they were not so extreme and I managed to deny or distance myself very well, so they did not overwhelm or interfere with my life. Then - bang! they suddenly flooded my whole being and became totally overwhelminga and unbearable. I really thought I was going mad -...
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Re: Gifts FROM Therapists
OK, I am back. Here is my best guess answering your question, but maybe someone else has greater understanding to add as well. The following descriptions are borrowed from the website Out of the Fog : “Lack of Object Constancy - Object Constancy is a psychological term used to describe the ability to think of other people or objects as "still there", even when they are out of your immediate field of vision. Object constancy is a developmental skill which most children develop at about age...
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Re: --
BB, I am glad you have decided to return to your perch! Virtual life is not the same without you. I love this quote: [QUOTE can’t pray so just let my desire to be able to pray be my prayer/QUOTE] It reminds me of the verse “Lord I believe, help my unbelief.” Your SD is spot on! God will not demand of us what we are not able or willing to give. He lets us come as we are (he knows it anyway) and is patient and good. I wander if your SD has read anything by Brennan Manning. I want to throw my...
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Re: Two week break coming up...how to connect fully.
SG!! Thanks so much for your wonderful response. Wow, what a post! I'll try to respond to your questions as best I can, but I'd like to thank you for such a beautiful message. WARNING: Extremely long post... I think he was just genuinely moved...more moved of course than I was by him being moved. I just avoided the feelings as usual, which sucks. He knows better than anyone that seeing such a thing would freak me out, so I know it was just a spontaneous thing. Based on the anxiety I’ve lived...
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Re: Spouses and Therapy
Oh, SG, I really appreciated feeling "protected" by you for that little moment in your post. It was sweet and genuine, and meant a lot to me! Just very nice to feel cared about in that way. And clarifying it wasn't triggering for me, I just wanted you to know my husband is a decent man. Sorry it came off the wrong way, but glad too, because it makes it clearer to me that when I have to explain this stuff at some point to my T I need to tread carefully and choose the correct words so that it...
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Re: Two week break coming up...how to connect fully.
Count me in as number three for having lost their marbles, then. I imagine this distant (maybe dismissive...I haven't read up much on that, though) type of attachment as this hand in my chest, reaching for an elusive rope that keeps swaying just out of grabbing distance. Know what I mean?
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Re: Two week break coming up...how to connect fully.
TN, I'm curious about the idea of dissociation. I see it a lot here on the forum but I'm not really sure what it means. What actually happens when you dissociate? There are times where my head is so foggy I can barely think straight, but I've gotten so used to it that I can actually think and function in spite of it now. There are also lots of times where I'll totally forget what we talked about in a session, but with a word or two from my T - or if I really think hard - it all comes back to...
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Re: Struggling & spinning again!
Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I woke up at 4 a.m. with the stomach flu. How's that for a happy birthday? I took everyone's advice and called my T's office and her secretary called me back and informed me that she is out of the office until Tuesday. Well, at least I have stopped spinning about why she hasn't called me (sort of). It gives me some time to think about what to say when she calls back. I'm sure by Tuesday I'll have some good questions for her. Monte, thanks for example...
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Re: Struggling & spinning again!
Happy Birthday from me too, MTF!! Soooo sorry to hear about the stomach flu ...hope it goes away soon. {{{{{{MTF}}}}}} I've been reading your posts all along, and it seems you filled in some details in that last one that I hadn't heard before (the watch, for example...I didn't know about that, but I remembered the session where she ditched you afterward). I think it was really nice of you to give her that watch band and hand-made card. I'm sorry she seems more distant since...I don't...
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Re: Trying to Provoke T
It's good, sorta , that I'm not the only one... or maybe not so good...but your replies are helpful cuz I've been feeling WAY out there. LOL, I can relate to that, Amazon! My T is pretty good at hiding what her vulnerable buttons are. It probably makes it more of an irresistible challenge to seek them out. Maybe only after I've exhausted myself and come up with nothing I will be satisfied? Yes, its like the comfort of reassurance that we didn't push them away, but the uncomfortable...
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Re: I miss my parents
Rus ~ Yes, yes, yes... and just yesterday. I so deeply wanted my mom. Yet I also felt somewhat like you - wondering if I missed her specifically or the warmth and caring I never had as a kid with her. In the end, I called my mom, she could tell I was a mess. The call was weird... nothing bad, but nothing like what I longed for. But then this morning, she called, and I told her I was ok but really hurting right now and even shaking - and she said she was so sorry and asked how she could help.
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Re: I miss my parents
Dear Russ, Thank you so much for being so candid. I too had been very distant from my dad at least. He just died last week and I can't tell you how unexpected my feelings are. He was quite abusive to me in childhood and adulthood. he could also be kind. He was complex. He was a WWII vet with PTSD. Over the last year he slipped into a place where I did not know him as I have always known him. He became like a child. I didn't visit him as much as I wish I had now. But when I did go see him he...
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Re: I miss my parents
janedoe, Your entire reply about your Mom totally resonates with me, especially these parts: Don't feel bad. I'm 43 Two years ago my parents were traveling in Africa during my birthday, and they didn't send me a birthday card or call me. My Mom said she tried to call on the sat phone they had but the call wouldn't go through. I was crushed, but it wasn't until I was in unbearable pain that I let myself feel crushed. I remember calling my Mom and it took every ounce of courage I had to tell...
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Re: How can a T fill the need of LOVE if they can't LOVE you
My T matches all these traits, aside from counter transference. I mean, I'm pretty sure he experiences it (I've seen him tear up before), but he's very good at not showing it. Just last night, we talked about this topic. He explained that I am "pre-loaded" to expect to be rejected and treated in a cold, distant way, and to feel that he doesn't give a damn about me. And he's right. In spite of all the things listed above that my T provides me each and every session, I still feel like he's...
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Re: The Sad Ending...Another Email Termination
Hi FOT... he does not know the T I chose but he was on the list of Ts he gave me who work in trauma. I chose this T because he is psychodynamic a MALE and sort of an expert on object relations theory which is sort of the mother of attachment theory and self-psychology. All good things in my case. I am hoping though that this guy is NOT the blank slate type because that will send me fleeing and there is not a huge choice of male Ts in my area who are not CBT Ts. I also hope he is a nice...
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Re: Confused
Hi there Forlorn I’m sorry you had a bad session yesterday - seems like you’re going through a real up and down phase with your T at the moment. Some things that waved red flags at me in your post: To echo what you wrote WTH???? I could maybe take this comment as well meaning if she were suggesting alternative ways for you to get help, if she sees that your finding it difficult to talk is a drawback in therapy, BUT and it’s a BIG but, she’s an art therapist isn’t she? Which means that talk...
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Re: Post-session feelings
wow Kashley ya know it's strange that you wrote this cause I just got back from a session and felt like saying the exact same things you did. I don't open up and lately been feeling like distant from T, except there is so much going on with me right now I get so overwhelmed and then I see that hour ticking by so fast. By the time it's up, I am all ready to start talking but so very very upset cause there's no more time. well, I have never called my T about something I'm feeling or struggling...
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Re: deleted
Hi MH, I totally get the overwhelming fear of calling your T in between sessions. It's been a big, big problem for me, too. Feel free to completely dismiss this, but I noticed something. In your first post, you said that you wouldn't allow yourself to call your T, but in this latest post you said that your T's policy is to only call in emergencies. It just makes me wonder if you really do think that there were times you wanted to call her (and it would have been within her policy), but the...
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Re: Intentional Dialogue/Imago with T
I'm so sorry about that not turning out the way you needed it to. Is there any chance she is trying to get you to stand up to her and insist, that no, you *really* would like to try it? That is just a thought, but I wonder what would happen if you insisted? *I realize that probably isn't possible to do for you right now in the place you are in- yeah, I'm the same, so I get it- butI'm just throwing that out there as something to think about....for the distant future, perhaps. Gosh I am so...