Tagged With "therapeutic relationship"
Reply
Re: So lost
Hi SD ~ Welcome , A year ago I was where you are . Same sort of symptoms; Difficulties at work (work was actually the catalyst), relationship issues to the point of a seperation being suggested by my partner, I was extremely moody, had anxiety attacks, and severe depressive behaviors (crying, confused, sleeping, self loathing). It took me a couple of months before I woke up one mornign and said what you have "I want to be ME again", so I went to the dr. She did some bloodwork/tests to rule...
Reply
Re: New Here : )
Welcome to the forums, I hope you do keep posting! It sounds like you are in a tough place, I'm glad to hear you are seeking out help. I wouldn't describe transference as a problem. It can be tough and confusing, but it's also a way to understand yourself better and learn to develop a healthy relationship. Sometimes, I think that when we engage with a therapist, they are just biding their time until you "develop transference issues" so you can get started on the real work As so many people...
Reply
Re: Rejected
Hi Rachel - I get extremely attached to therapists so I can completely understand your not wanting to try again with another therapist (and risk getting hurt again). Over a decade ago, I saw a therapist for 3 years. It didn't help at all but I couldn't bear losing her so I stuck around for 3 years until I forced myself to "give her up". For a decade I struggled on my own. Then when I couldn't do it anymore, my thought was I could never, ever go through therapy with anyone but that last...
Reply
Re: Checking in after a long break
hey CT, TN, AG and everybody. Thanks so much for all the replies. One thing is clear; that part of me - the harsh inner critic - is extremely strong. My T feels that despite it's hateful, sadistic voice, it is there to tell me something. It's not there just to be hateful and sadistic just because it can. He said that setting up a confrontational relationship with it isn't doing me any good. I think this is true since just telling that part of me to shut the hell up doesn't really do...
Reply
Re: A Mother, boyfriend,and daughter
Hi Timbo, Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle there. I'll answer your last question first ~ Are you wasting your time? If you love someone you are never wasting your time! If you don't love this woman, maybe it's in your best interest to consider moving on. I'll assume that you love her because you have stuck it out this long. I agree that your partners daughter should be out of the house by 27 (does mom cook with cheese?? hahaha sorry, I couldn't resist!), you say...
Reply
Re: A Mother, boyfriend,and daughter
Hi Timbo, Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you felt comfortable to ask your question. I think you're in the middle of a very complicated situation. It sounds like your girlfriend and her daughter are very emeshed and neither of them is in any rush to end that. When someone grows up in an abusive, dysfunctional family they are often driven (very unconsciously) to repeat the trauma. As horrible as the abuse is, it's still at least familiar. Your girlfriend marrying someone like her abusive dad...
Reply
Re: Why I retracted my Post
Hi Flicka, Just my two cents' worth...with all the stuff I've read on transference (message boards, websites, books, etc.) I've had the growing impression that not everyone means exactly the same thing when they use that word. In fact, a few sessions ago, I finally asked my T for his definition because we'd been using the word for a while, but never directly defined it. He said a few things, but what was most useful for me going forward was to look at it as the feelings I'm having about my...
Reply
Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Hi SG, I've read about the love-hate flip-flop and I've never really experienced it the way I've read about it. I don't so much hate my T as worry that he isn't the person I thought he was. I have definitely experienced getting very angry and/or upset with him on numerous occasions when he didn't do anything wrong. The first time I ever told him I was angry at him was because he canceled a couples appt at the last minute (8:30 AM for a 5:30 PM) and I just assumed that it was some kind of...
Reply
Re: The love-hate flip-flop
SG, I know that can feel really weird and kind of scary, but that's the Ts job, not to take it personally. I can remember apologizing to my T for being so suspicious of him when he had never given me any reason to be, in fact, quite the opposite. He, very gently, kept telling me that he understood, based on my experiences, why I would be so suspicious and need so much reassurance, that he didn't take it personally. There was one time (and trust me, I still flinch when I remember saying it)...
Reply
Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Hi AG, Thanks for everything you said. I very much appreciate you sharing your experiences in therapy. I definitely have the feeling of “waiting for him to hurt me” and knowing that this will “end badly”. I admire you for being strong enough to stick with it and tell him about it. And I admire your T for handling it so well. I haven’t talked much to my T yet about the legacy of incest in my family. There was overt incest in both my father and mother’s families of origin. My mother’s family...
Reply
Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
Hi S, Welcome to the forums! You've come to a good place to get info on your problem, there are a number of people dealing with the issue, myself included. Sorry about the delay in replying, lots going on with a getting triggered by my first going off to college. Since the subject of erotic transference has been widely discussed on this site, I'm going to point you to few links I found helpful on other sites, good topics to read on the forum, and a couple of book suggestions. That's not to...
Reply
Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
Hi S, I know how you feel as I've felt quite obsessive about my therapist for a while now and have actually talked to him about it. I was shocked recently when I realized that I had actually gone a number of hours without thinking about him, I'm choosing to take that as a hopeful sign! S, there is something very important to understand about this. It's not a matter of her having any interest, it's about what's best for you. If she does not maintain those boundaries, then therapy can't...
Reply
Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
Hi S, Do you mind if I go one more round with you on this? I am in no way trying to denigrate or minimize your feelings and the pain you're in. I have experienced exactly what you're talking about and understand the depth of despair and crippling pain you're talking about. BUT I have also been experiencing working through that pain and alleviating it, so I wanted to just share a few things with you from my experience in case they might help you. Part of what makes this so difficult is that...
Reply
Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
AG, I appreciate the optimism you share. Really I do. And you are right, hopelessness describes me well these days. If it is a matter of feeling the pain, then I am doing a great job. For the last 3 months I have cried my eyes out in my T's office. She is good about being empathetic for the 1 or 2 sessions I may get with her each week, and then I am gone. She deals with other patients and then she goes home to her husband (and what I reasonably gather after 3 years with her is a good life,)...
Reply
Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
Hi S. Like a lot of threads on here I have been reading and paying close attention to your issues but have not had a chance and sometimes the right words to post a reply. I am so sorry for your pain. By what you describe I don't think what I feel is as bad but I think that is because I never really got to address the transference feelings. They were mentioned but never discussed. Like I said before, it was referred to as dependency rather than transference, almost like it was something more...
Reply
Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
AG, TN, Summer, S, What a hard thread to read! I can hardly stand the thoughts in my head and the torrent of emotions they stir. I can understand the rational for transference therapy but my heart feels deeply betrayed. Death is more inviting than to imagine anyone thinking I have some unconscious longing or desire for my therapist! I wish I had the words to explain how strongly I feel about this possibility. I did not sign up for this! I was not told by my T that the therapeutic...
Reply
Re: Hello, New Here
Welcome to the forum, MoonShadow, and thanks for introducing yourself. Your story really touched a chord in me. I understand the pain of parents leaving, of choosing someone else over you. My mother was a practicing alcoholic until I was 12, and for reasons well beyond my control, she resented having me and I felt it. When she got sober, I thought it would be different, but then she got divorced from my dad and moved in with another guy. Leaving us with our dad who we were told only wanted...
Reply
Re: Hello, New Here
Strummergirl, thanks for the reply. So far from what I have read on here, this seems like a great place. I really hope I can learn from the people here and get more strength with trying to deal with this. As I said in my first post. I moved away from my family about 4yrs ago. I live about 6 hrs from them now, by myself. I really felt I needed to do this, to get out on my own, because of other things. Like I said, I moved back in with my mom when I started High school (age 15 or so) and lived...
Reply
Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
AG wrote: Earlier, I read how we are unable to think clearly while we are reacting emotionally. My last post is certainly embarrassing evidence of that truth. I am less emotional now and, hopefully, thinking more clearly. What I am learning from that outburst is how deeply afraid I am to face the truth of what is emerging from my repressed and/or dissociated memories. I am at least equally afraid that my T will leave me (physically or emotionally) to face those memories alone. I have no hard...
Reply
Re: insight
Hi emogirl. I can only try to imagine what 8 years of a relationship mixed up with transference feelings is like. I had 6 months of it and I'm still reeling from the shock of things finishing. The real positive in this (i'm sure it's hard for you to see one right now) is that you said that you're T handled your revelation gentle and professionally. Once your T has strong boundaries and handles the transference well then hopefully you can now work on this transference and stop it from...
Reply
Re: The love-hate flip-flop
I definitely went through Love-hate flip-flop relationship with my counsellor. As if we were like mother and daughter, teacher and student, BFF and the worst enemy etc… It was pretty intense because we did all that in 4 months. He did clearly mentioned to me about short term therapy rules for that centre. But he never introduced himself properly. He didn’t say he is a student, doing his practicum. If I’ve known that, I would have definitely said No thank you and walked away. Also he said...
Reply
Re: Healing
Wow, Halo - this is fantastic to read! You were so strong with saying all the things you needed to say. It sounds like the whole session was an incredible release. I love that you are working towards closure on the issues with this relationship, while also taking care of yourself by working with a new P. Way to go. J
Reply
Re: Afraid/worried again - erotic transference?
This is where I'm glad my T is 37 years older then me Not that this entirely stops these sorts of feelings, mind you. This is tough, since it can go so wrong or be a huge breakthrough. I think that your telling him he looks sexy was sort of "acting it out" instead of "talking about it." Perhaps that's why it didn't get any traction? I think my advice would be to talk about your feelings from 10,000 feet at first, rather then giving him the porn you're going to write. (I'm teasing a little...
Reply
Re: Deleted
We did talk a little bit about losses today but talking about people who are gone really hurts me so he said he wants to try going about it a different way. Before, he had told me about honoring someone's memory by doing things they used to do, etc., but the part he missed out on was I missed THEM not what they did. He said he gets it now. We also talked about people getting mad at me (when I was a kid, and my husband getting mad now) and that they'd ignore me for hours (silent treatment,...
Reply
Re: Afraid/worried again - erotic transference?
Now, I have dream to tell him and that is going to be kind of challenging. Usually when I have a dream there is something happening in therapy - like I'm taking one step forward and reveal something that otherwise I probably wouldn't. In my dream I had a therapy session. We were sitting very close to each other, my knees were touching his. Later on I was sitting sort of beside him and still our legs were touching. We talked about something and suddenly he leaned forward and kissed my breast.
Reply
Re: Llyje
Hi K! It's good to "meet" you. I'm so sorry to hear that your T is treating you so badly. FWIW, I don't think you sound immature...but his behavior certainly does. It sounds like he's experiencing some kind of counter-transference. Usually T's consult with other T's on a regular basis in order to work through any counter-transference they're experiencing, specifically so they do not take it out on their patients, the way he is taking it out on you. If you've read my other posts you know I...
Reply
Re: .
Hi Ultraviolet, interesting you should ask. I was just pondering that question myself today. Here's my take on it. First thing, I think the capacity to compartmentalize develops early in life in response to the emotional environment. I'm not sure folks could consciously try to evoke the tendency later...although I guess anything is possible. Certainly, we all try to stuff our emotions back at one time or another but I'm guessing you mean as a fairly consistent state. Compartmentalizing...
Reply
Re: into the breach
(((((Jones))))) Ouch...not fair, not fair. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You know you opened up to take a big risk, hoping to be understood and safe. At first you thought you were, only to find out, maybe she doesn't understand after all, maybe it really isn't safe. This is exactly what I tried to do with my former T. I was so excited to finally have a T willing to listen to my story without judging...only to find out, he didn't really understand after all, not even close. Not...
Reply
Re: into the breach
Hi Jones, I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know just how painful and confusing it can be. First of all, let me say that SG's response was very insightful and I agree with everything she said to you, especially about trusting yourself. The thing that makes healing from these kinds of injuries are that the injuries themselves make it difficult to do what we need to do to get better. When you did not have good attunement or a caring other (or even more so were actively abused) you...
Reply
Re: into the breach
Thanks heaps, AG. I'll keep y'all posted. I know what you mean about the fantasy thing. In this context she was talking about delusion. I was saying that I wasn't entertaining certain hopes about a relationship I know is well over. Her: 'Really?' Me: 'I can't say anything, can I? I know you don't believe me.' Her: 'I'm challenging you because I know people who have fantasy relationships lie to themselves A LOT.' I feel like this would have been fair a few months ago, but why doesn't she know...
Reply
Re: I made a huge mistake
Hi mlc - I'm so sorry that you're here in this situation - it must feel awful. Sometimes I keep things from my husband because I have such a strong sense of how the little part of him will be hurt, and it's a horrible feeling. I know deep down that keeping things from him doesn't really protect him, though. And I also know that when I do stuff that sucks, that would hurt him, it's because the little part in me has had enough and is upset and acting out. So big hug for your little part. You...
Reply
Re: into the breach
Hi Blackbird - no need for an apology! I haven't updated because I'm just feeling confused and disconnected from my T. She said we would talk about the uncomfortable silence last time, but we didn't - she forgot. I guess it wasn't a great day for her - she was yawning, didn't seem present. When I saw that I thought "$%&#^! I'm boring her! I better pull out some stops..." and I tried to bring up how angry I'd been. I said that I'd been really upset last time after talking about that...
Reply
Re: Sick and tired
Hi Amazon. I could pretty much copy everything from your post bar the not being anxious or depressed part. A year ago I was on a break from my ex-T for 4 months and I realised today that a year on I feel exactly the same. I feel like I have made no progress on my feelings for him. Last night I watched In Treatment-I think almost torturing myself as I focused on the transference relationship between the therapist (Gabriel Byrne) and his female patient (Laura). I'm actually thinking of banning...
Reply
Re: Sick and tired
Thanks Amazon and Halo for your kind words. I have been emailing the samaritans for the past few days...I think it is at least good to get the extent of my feelings out there in some way. I have been getting some acknowledgments but mostly questions from them so far, I guess to engage me and get to the bottom of how I'm feeling. I'm finding myself waiting for responses all day.... My notion of getting a male T instead of my current one to deal with my tansference issues has been seriously...
Reply
Re: into the breach
Thanks Blackbird! My session went really nicely today! I had sent that boundary-testing email ("can I send you an email?") then made myself forget it because I got no response. But she brought it up today and so I said that really I had wanted some kind of overview, that I was feeling a bit lost with where we were. So she gave me some overview.... I'm not sure exactly what she said, but I got more of a sense of how the scheduling stuff we're doing (I write down how I spend every hour)...
Reply
Re: into the breach
Jones, this sounds familiar. I am feeling hostile right now, mostly about the boundaries though. But even though I can express it here on the forum, I hold back when I am in session. The anger just goes temporarily underground. It's not like I consciously try to block it out. Last session I actually did the opposite; I consciously tried to hold onto the anger, but I only retained a piece of it. I think I must be afraid to feel anger in her presence - afraid the consequences will be...
Reply
Re: Not sure what is going on
Pippi, if only you could sever the attachment you feel then you would be free to find a REAL P who would actually do his job. If he won't even prescribe meds what good is he for you? But I cannot preach to you about doing the logical thing right now because I guess I am not thinking rationally myself when it comes to my relationship with my T. I hear how much anxiety you are experiencing, and I know the feelings are so powerful. Keep venting here, especially if it helps you to keep your...
Reply
Re: Not sure what is going on
Thanks for the reply MH. Right now I am in a really weird place. After everything that has happened I do not feel so attached to my P. I dont want to stop seeing him but I almost feel like if I got the termination letter in the mail from him I would be okay. I dont feel this stong loving feeling for him right now and I also dont feel strong anger towards him either. I actually kind of dont feel anything towards him right now which I have never been in this place before. I dont know if this...
Reply
Re: major transference feelings- what to do
Hi Monte... I can totally relate to your struggles. I have been in therapy with my T for almost 19 years. And before that...I had several other therapists for extended periods. I have never made it to a satisfactory termination...so this time I am determined. I tried to switch to a different therapist...and different type of therapy about 18 months ago and could not make it work because I was not able to quit...or finish with my primary T. I could not get her to let me go...or say goodbye,...
Reply
Re: Feeling like I revealed "too much"
Thanks, monte! And welcome to the forums! I look forward to getting to know you better. I just got back from seeing my T, and thankfully her behavior toward me hasn't changed one bit. She was still her caring, kind, attentive, present self. I told her about some good changes I'm experiencing in my relationships with my husband and kids, and she celebrated with me. I told her about the fears I had this week that now that she knew what I was "really" like, she might suddenly "move" or start...
Reply
Re: Feeling like I revealed "too much"
SG, I feel so happy and relieved for you to have this experience with your T! It sounds like this is a very good thing to solidify the trust in your relationship. I want to do a happy dance for you! Thank you also for reminding me of my own experiences when I have revealed "too much" and my T never wavered an inch. We need that so much. One day maybe we will be brave enough to not hold back anything at all! Way to go!!!
Reply
Re: major transference feelings- what to do
I have wondered about the length of time I have spent with my P. I can't imagine not seeing him ever again or at least for a long time. I think I have worked through many issues over the years and have come to terms with some of them. I still find I have things to cover with him. Not because we are stagnant. But sometimes I feel the need to get support for feelings that bubble up to the surface. He helps me deal with the "The here and now issues" I have, as he calls them. I still feel that I...
Reply
Re: into the breach
Jones, I really do hope that you can repair the connection with your T. I hear that you still feel let down by her and she still didn't do enough to bring you back. I don't know how much it takes, but maybe it needs to take few sessions to straighten things out, to feel again that you can trust her and she understands you. Maybe it just takes a bit more time. I'm trying to tell what I would hope for myself if I would go into the breach with my T. I realize my T is not perfect either. I...
Reply
Re: into the breach
(((((((Jones))))))) Thank you for telling us about this! I know you are feeling bad about the way your T responded – more about that in a minute – but the first thing I want to say is WAY TO GO for asserting yourself and asking for what you need! That is HUGE. And extra points, extra credit, extra kudos for having to practically interrupt her in order to do it. I am WAY impressed with what you did, and I hope you can see how important this was. It counts as just as much of a success as any...
Reply
Re: Feeling like I revealed "too much"
Sorry I haven't been around much lately to post. I feel like I've been slogging through mud for the past month with my T. First I'd like to welcome all the newcomers, dragonfly, monte, starfish, janedoe and blackbird. We are glad to have you all here (if I forgot anyone I apologize) because we all have something to contribute here and you never know who you are helping with your post. SG, glad to see you back posting too and hearing that your new T is working out so well for you and that you...
Reply
Re: Feeling like I revealed "too much"
Hi True North! I've been thinking about you, too! It's beginning to feel like "Old Home Week" around here. I'm sorry to hear that you and your T have been going through such a bumpy ride since his vacation. It must be so frustrating when you know he's capable of being steady for you, you know he cares - you've been through so much together! - and then the connection gets disrupted and you have to find it again. You always work so hard in your therapy, I so much wish for you that the "ride"...
Reply
Re: into the breach
Starfish, Could it be that you learned the hard way that talking about your feelings is a bad thing to do? You may have a LOT of experience that tells you its not a good thing to do. Often when we did not experience a lot of attunement as children or have the parental relationship as focused on our needs as it should be, we learn that expressing our real self, our real feelings, or expressing our needs can get us in to trouble, hurt or punished. So although in an intellectual way we can...
Reply
Re: into the breach
I COMPLETELY understand this question since I've been asking it for years! First off, it's perfectly reasonable and completely understandable to want your P to fill the gap! These were healthy, normal, very human needs that went unfulfilled. Of course, you still want what you didn't get. So there is nothing wrong, and a lot right, in the desire you feel to get these needs met. One of my therapist's favorite things to say was that "therapy isn't enough" (to which my general reaction was "then...
Reply
Re: into the breach
Hi Blackbird, I'm not familiar with Affirmation Therapy or the book but I do see alot of points of congruence with how my T practices. I do believe that a T/P needs to love their patient in order for them to heal. I know my T believes that although he won't speak directly of loving me. But he has often compared the theraputic relationship as the closest thing to unconditional love that we can experience from another person. You are totally accepted and there is nothing you can do which will...
Reply
Re: Forgiveness
Disclaimer: This is very much written from the perspective of my world view as a Christian and I understand that not everyone reading will agree with all the values that I discuss. But in order to explain what happened I have to refer to those beliefs and how they affected me. All I ask is that you accept that they were my values so this was how I saw it. I think the larger principles about forgiveness translate pretty well across other world views. Back in 2000, I was still struggling with...