Tagged With "A Monster Calls"
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Re: Where's Mom when I need her?
Today is my daughter's "moving on" ceremony. It's like a graduation. She has been in the 1-3 grade class for the past few years, and next year, she'll move into the 4-6 grade class. So they have a little ceremony to celebrate this. Last night, when she was going to sleep, I heard her crying, so I went up to check on her. She was sobbing. She said, "I thought, 'Nannie will be so excited about my graduation! I wish she could come see it! I can't wait to call her and tell her about it.' Then, I...
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Re: Rejected
OR maybe he had no idea how much he meant to you. He may have seen your questioning about if you should still come in as your wanting to leave??? You said you are reserved. Maybe he took that as a lack of connection when in truth you were feeling very connected. I honestly think that even if you don't see him anymore that you need more closure on this. I really do encourage you to call him and ask for another apointment and then tell him how you took it when he said that to you. That you've...
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Re: Does anyone know where attachment girl went?
Y'all know how to make a girl feel loved! I'm really sorry for the disappearing act, I've really felt bad about it, especially considering how consistently I have been supported and encouraged here. It was a combo of a full release at work, my oldest daughter graduating from HS (her graduation party is on Sat and we're expecting 50 people) and doing some VERY deep grieving work in therapy. I just turned incredibly inward and between trying to handle therapy and my life, there wasn't much...
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Re: Rejected
Hi Rachel - I get extremely attached to therapists so I can completely understand your not wanting to try again with another therapist (and risk getting hurt again). Over a decade ago, I saw a therapist for 3 years. It didn't help at all but I couldn't bear losing her so I stuck around for 3 years until I forced myself to "give her up". For a decade I struggled on my own. Then when I couldn't do it anymore, my thought was I could never, ever go through therapy with anyone but that last...
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Re: Why I retracted my Post
Hi, I didn't read the thread you're referring to but here's one thing I've learned about transference so far; I think you can have it and not even realise it. For example, there have been times where I was so furious with my therapist that I wanted to tell him to go F himself and never see him again because he said something that hurt me. It took a while to see that the hurt feelings - triggered by my T - were really kind of a referred pain from an original hurt from my father...or my...
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Re: Deleted
We did talk a little bit about losses today but talking about people who are gone really hurts me so he said he wants to try going about it a different way. Before, he had told me about honoring someone's memory by doing things they used to do, etc., but the part he missed out on was I missed THEM not what they did. He said he gets it now. We also talked about people getting mad at me (when I was a kid, and my husband getting mad now) and that they'd ignore me for hours (silent treatment,...
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Re: major transference feelings- what to do
Ok Today is Thurs. and my appt with my P is only 4 hours from now. I am nervous and in a quandry about what to say to him. He will want to know what is going on that I needed to call him and ask for an extra appt this week. I am really worried about what to say. I have seriously considered making something up so he will think the request for the extra appt is legitimate. I know I shouldn't do this. I want to be brave and just walk in there and tell him that I just couldn't stand not talking...
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Re: major transference feelings- what to do
emogirl, You can do it! I just went through the hardest appointment I have had in the whole ten years I have been seeing my P. I was so scared. I wrote everything down that way if I couldnt say it then I had something to fall back on. I was very honest with my feelings for him and the transference. I told myself as I was writing it that I could be really honest because I probably wouldnt have to show it to him that way I wouldnt be so scared. I also wrote it quickly and putting down anything...
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Re: major transference feelings- what to do
I had my appt with my P. He was wonderful in every way. I don't know why I continue to be scared and worried about how he will react to what I say. I told him I felt that way and he said that is something we would work on and should be a goal for me. I did what I needed to do for the most part. I was honest and didn't make something up so that he thought I was deserving of an appt. I told him that when I call and ask for an extra appt I always feel like I need to be suicidal or something to...
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Re: major transference feelings- what to do
Im really glad it went well. And now you know that no matter what you can be honest and come see him when you need to without some big emergency. I used to make up emergencies all the time to contact my P because he says to only call or text during an emergency. But stopped believing that I had an emergency every single day But I am really glad you were able to be honest and you really did do great and make big strides in your session. Hopefully it will keep going in that direction. I know...
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Re: major transference feelings- what to do
Saw my P again today. Only had to go 1 week since my last appt. I had a schedule that I suggested to my P for weekly meetings x 1 month then cut back again to every other week. I have found a local depression support group (free!!!) that I am going to start going to every other week, on the opposite week that I have my appt with my P. He was very agreeable to this and we set up all of the appt times. Now I shouldn't have to call and ask for any extra appts. at least for a while. We had a...
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Re: into the breach
Hi Jones, I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know just how painful and confusing it can be. First of all, let me say that SG's response was very insightful and I agree with everything she said to you, especially about trusting yourself. The thing that makes healing from these kinds of injuries are that the injuries themselves make it difficult to do what we need to do to get better. When you did not have good attunement or a caring other (or even more so were actively abused) you...
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Re: into the breach
Hi blackbird (can I call you bb?) & Amazon blackbird - good luck for your upcoming session. Let us know how you are going. We are all here for you. I'm OK
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Re: Feeling like I revealed "too much"
Sorry I haven't been around much lately to post. I feel like I've been slogging through mud for the past month with my T. First I'd like to welcome all the newcomers, dragonfly, monte, starfish, janedoe and blackbird. We are glad to have you all here (if I forgot anyone I apologize) because we all have something to contribute here and you never know who you are helping with your post. SG, glad to see you back posting too and hearing that your new T is working out so well for you and that you...
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Re: Self-Hatred
Mad Hatter hi Just a thought when I read your initial post, it immediately linked to where I am at the moment in terms of sorting myself out. I’ve spent decades consciously opposing and fighting my self hate and self loathing and it’s only recently that I’ve made a connection between what I call ‘anti-me’ beliefs in my head - and the experience of powerless rage. That self hate and self loathing for me is decades of unexpressed anger and rage all turned inward because my experience of anger...
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Re: Self-Hatred
Venting.I just finished a crappy session. First, I had to substitute my scheduled office visit with a phone visit because I have a sick toddler and can't get out of the house. (I've decided I don't like phone visits because the last two I've had have left me reeling afterward.) Then I couldn't get through to my T. It turns out her office phone isn't working properly (no dial tone). Finally, I called her cell phone, breaking my promise to myself that I would never, ever allow myself to call...
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Re: Forgiveness
Disclaimer: This is very much written from the perspective of my world view as a Christian and I understand that not everyone reading will agree with all the values that I discuss. But in order to explain what happened I have to refer to those beliefs and how they affected me. All I ask is that you accept that they were my values so this was how I saw it. I think the larger principles about forgiveness translate pretty well across other world views. Back in 2000, I was still struggling with...
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Re: Forgiveness
This is one area I am still trying to understand. Doesn't the concept of forgiveness imply that anger is wrong? To me, forgiving my abusers equals accepting invalidation of my pain - as if I am the one in the wrong for feeling the pain. I agree. I think it is especially hard when you know that person would hurt you all over again if given the chance. But even if they just act like what they did didn't matter, it's like adding insult to injury. Multiply such an incident hundreds of times...
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Re: Forgiveness
Dragonfly, I'm sorry. (Couldn't resist!) OK OK I'll behave! BTW I didn't see you raging at us at all, I saw your anger being directed against what happened to you and I think that 's a good thing. And I agree that's it really good that people be able to express their thoughts and feelings for whatever they are. I share your dislike of the the secrets and lies and denials. I remember once my T didn't answer an email of mine for three days in which I had asked for reassurance so I had gone...
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Re: She sees other Cs
Seablue, You're a lot nicer than me if all you want to do is trip them. I do occasionally see other clients, but what's worse, I live with one. My husband and I see my T for marital counseling also and he was my husband's T first. There was awhile there where my T had to field emergency phone calls after every couples' session because I would feel so threatened by his relationship with my husband. I called once, get this, because he laughed too hard with him. I can actually blush remembering...
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Re: Decisions, Decisions....
Thanks Lamplighter and Halo. I agree with you about the therapist, suicide and confidentiality. It makes it difficult. Although I trust her completely. I know that suicide is not the answer and I'm pretty sure I don't want to really do that. I worry that in my most desperate times it will happen. As for the memroies, yeah they really stink. I can't see my T until next week but I think I need her now. I can't call either 'cause she has some personal time right now. I'm glad I found you folks!
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Re: A new dilemma
Don't sell yourself short, CT!! I'm sure you're beautiful. We all are!! We have just become our own worst critics and judges. So sad, too. Wow. I've been only just coming to grips with the emotional deprivation I suffered as an infant and young child (well, all my childhood, really) at the hands of an emotionally unavailable mother. It hurts a lot, and I've asked myself those same sorts of questions. I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's her issue, not mine, because as you so clearly...
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Re: Hurting
Thanks for asking Seablue! Sorry all, I didn't mean to pull a disappearing act. I'm actually feeling much better but the goodbye party for my co-worker was on Friday and my husband had his first day off in three weeks today so posting time and/or the energy to do so has been in short supply. When I wrote the original post in this thread I was really in a place of deep despair which I have not, thankfully stayed in. I think that I am in the midst of wrestling with letting go of so many of my...
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Re: Unexplained, sudden sadness
Hi everyone - My session today was totally fine. Of course, I knew that would probably be the case, but I was still petrified. My T was very kind, understanding, and sharp. I feel like I stumbled over everything I was saying, but she picked it up and was able to get a pretty good overview of the things I discussed with my previous T. That was a huge relief, because I was dreading the part where I would have to go through everything all over again. She was able to recognize (without me...
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Re: Unexplained, sudden sadness
Hi K, I'm sorry if I over-read your mother's comments in relating them to my own situation. You will have a much better idea of what they mean in the context of your situation and the communication between you than I do. It may well be that they just express a despairing feeling, rather than any suicidal intention or ideation. In any case, I totally relate to your feelings of reluctance to engage in this, the sense of her dependency and how overwhelming that feels, the guilt over not wanting...
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Re: Unexplained, sudden sadness
First of all, I just want to say that I am repeatedly shocked at the amount of support you all have offered me. If I'm being completely honest, I don't feel like I deserve it - having all of you support me in the negative feelings I have toward my mother feels like an ultimate betrayal. I mean, I technically know that I can't be totally unfounded in my feelings if I'm not being second-guessed on every corner, and I value each and every one of your responses SO much, but it's still tough to...
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Re: Massive missive :)
AG, What a wonderful thing to read. You have been through SUCH a rollercoaster with this one. I don't have a lot of time right now, but I wanted to say a couple of things. You will make a WONDERFUL phone counsellor, and I'm so pleased that you're doing it and being brave enough to go through this learning experience. One of the things I grieve from my own childhood is that I feel like the pleasure of learning was taken from me. I usually had to figure things out on my own because I was too...
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Re: Massive missive :)
AG Thanks for the long missive - well worth the read - it was a wonderful insight into your relationship with your T and shows the power and effect of true openness and honesty in that relationship. It feels like you have been on a real roller coaster the last week or so, these journeys are always so difficult at the time, but you have shown in your reflections and writing how important each twist and turn has been in helping you understand yourself and the process more. And I love the...
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Re: Massive missive :)
Wow, AG! How awesome for you to connect with someone so accepting of you and so safe. It appears these healthy experiences are seeping down in and reaching every broken crevice of your soul and are healing you from the inside out. While reading your missive I felt your joys and your sorrows and thought of how you could easily rename it "The agony and the ecstasy of therapy." Thank you for sharing! I have just a few thoughts I want to share with you. How great it is for you to just be and be...
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Re: Define 'Disorganized Attachment', please?
Thanks, AG!! So I have felt both these extremes myself, just not to the extent that I have called my T multiple times between sessions, although I have wished I could!! My T is not really as generous about phone calls as your T, although I know she would call me back if I called her; she always does. I have a lot of shame about calling her. I also don't like her knowing that I have such a strong attachment to her and have yet to reveal my actual feelings in a session. She knows I have an...
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Re: Define 'Disorganized Attachment', please?
Hi MTF, It sounds like disorganized attachment to me because I've experienced all the feelings you're talking about. I cannot begin to tell you how hard my T worked to convince me that not only COULD I call but that it was theraputic to do so, that I needed to learn to ask for what I needed and experience it being met and also experience that there really was a dependable other I could trust. I was so desperate to not lose my T but was absolutely amazed at my creative abilities in finding...
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Re: anyone doing true psychoanalysis??
what a kind person you are. yes, i do think the truth will set me free. i am only recently 'reborn', didn't know what was missing until i found it. i thought i was a Christian, went to church, etc. but, with my background and mixed religious messages from childhood (catholic, jewish, and practicing agnostic) i never knew God really knew me. this has been so wonderful, and my only true hope for healing, and sometimes is so healing...the things i hear through prayer...that i wonder if God is...
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Re: therapist falls asleep in second session
Dr. Sleepy (T2) just called and left a message for me (monday after cancelling all sessions with his answering service on saturday after he fell asleep on friday in session two). he wished me success and said he would appreciate a call to explain what happened between friday and saturday...i can't believe the man still is staked out on 'denial'. clueless. he will get my letter today, explaining it (as i know i could never remain that composed and civil on the phone or in person). it will be...
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Re: Advice-giving in therapy
do post, echo, first sessions are such a drain. hopefully yours went well. i had one yesterday with T3, and suddenly just had to leave...toooooo much!! 'flooding' i think they call it??? ew, i was so gone, trying to be polite, but gone. do you think she/he can help? did you feel better or worse afterwards?? that is something i always measured, after every visit, especially a first, not that one will feel better after a major 'dumping'....many times i had to sit in my car for twenty minutes...
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Re: Friendship with therapist after therapy ends
Hi Vitaluna, Welcome to the forums! I know that the ethical code varies some depending on the licensure that one obtained, but I want to say that a general guideline is 2 years. It's been too long since I had that class (went to school to be a T, but never was). I can speak to this from a personal standpoint as well. I had a T in my early 20's and I saw her for several years. She was a great T and we had a great professional relationship. From time to time she told me that she was doing...
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Re: stuck in therapy
{{{{{{{{smiley}}}}}}}} No apologies for the outburst...you are obviously hurting really bad right now. I'm so sorry you are in such a tough place. You have said many times before that your relationship with your T is great, so please don't take this as a criticism of your T...but my first impression of what she said is, that isn't terribly helpful. If I could just "believe and change the message in my head" then I wouldn't need therapy. Of course there is probably more to what she is...
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Re: Friendship with therapist after therapy ends
hi, Vitaluna...welcome aboard! It's nice to meet you. I think this can be an extremely confusing issue, fraught with all kinds of pitfalls and exceptions and varies from person to person, therapist to therapist. It's hard without a specific example to figure out if boundaries have been crossed for you. That being siad, I can totally understand if you don't want to say anything specific. We all value our anonymoity here greatly, that is the truth. However, I could say that if anything sexual...
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Re: Friendship with therapist after therapy ends
VL- (may I call you that?) I don't think there is anything stupid about the way you feel. No, not in the least. And I would feel exactly the same... Yet you did the right thing. Just try, not to beat yourself up for all the feelings it will bring up in you. Try not to think of yourself as stupid for feeling the way you do, because, that is taking the blame on yourself. I know, I know, easier said than done, but it is not your fault that you have these feelings, nor is it your fault that your...
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Re: TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! Discussing sex in therapy
good post LL, i don't have much to say, but i am glad you posted this topic. my little bit? i couldn't talk about sex with male t1, would have told him to call my husband if he ever brought it up, which he didn't...one of the many elephants in the room he was too inexperienced and deficient to bring up. t3, female, really, no problem talking about. we have briefly regarding some SA, and a bit about my current sexual relationship with my husband of 17 years...where everything is ok. she...
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Re: feeling rotten, therapist gone
Songbird, Hi there again! I`m glad you asked those questions, i dont mind at all (you know its very therapeutic having these things questioned) i`ll try to answer.. I was firstly extremely anxious BEFORE my T`s vacation and we did a lot of talking about my seperation anxiety. Yet, the 6 weeks of vacation was coming up, wheter i hatet it or not. Its simply just a therapist right to have vacation, but it is hard to swallow that part of therapy. There was partly my T that came up with the idea...
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Re: Dialectical Behavior Therapy
jill, Yea, I hear your pain! I know how frustrating all of this can be and it hurts like hell. Kudos for you for wanting to do something about it! I don't hava a lot of time right now but I wanted to respond while I am here. Safety is so huge, especially for those of us with trauma in our backgrounds. We want a safe therapist but we also need to learn how to keep ourselves safe. If we didn't learn from our parents how to feel and regulate our emotions, we will need to learn it in some way.
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Re: Dialectical Behavior Therapy
UV, thanks for the hug... DF, thanks for saying i don't have to go...it felt like a kid, when you tell them 'no', they want 'yes', so, your telling me i don't have to go, let's me go without kicking and screaming (almost) because if i don't have to go, 'mom isn't making me', then i am left to consider if i want to go...df, how did you know the magic words!! i am encouraged to read your post. i will go today, although i don't want to. i never know who will show up. lately, all my public face...
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Re: Dialectical Behavior Therapy
i was such a freak show today, i am so afraid of being kicked out. would call her for reassurance, but she would say the right things and i wouldn't believe what she said, so i would only feel worse...so much for that wellbutrin honeymoon. spinning and spiraling down and away. does this EVER END???? i am so doubtful...emotional highs and lows are so hard to hang on to. agh, wanna cry. jill
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Re: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide
(((((((Kashley)))))) you really are a sweetie. (((((((Jones)))))))) and so are you...I absolutely love what you wrote, it's actually a really powerful description for me. I hope you don't mind, I printed it to keep in my er, journal...I guess you could call it a journal. er...let me rephrase...my kinda weird pile and conglomeration of papers and writings. I love the image of my T as a large and kinda clumsy animal...that kinda describes him perfectly...the whole thing of it. And thank you...
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Re: Honesty (or honestly)
SG- I forgot to mention- I love the little- what did you call them? emoticons??? so very cool
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Re: Therapists and Betrayal - probable triggers for some
LL, I can see where this would bother you and to be honest, if my T had been the way she is with me now in the very beginning I would have been highly suspicious as well! I would have thought she was trying to manipulate me or that it wasn't genuine on her part. To this day, even though I have a very good relationship with my T, it is still hard to hear her say she cares or to allow myself to let that caring in. I feel like I don't deserve it, I'm taking something that isn't mine etc.
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Re: Therapists and Betrayal - probable triggers for some
LL... thank you for articulating this. What my T did was damaging in the extreme not only to me but to my son and my family as well. I was doing well in my therapy, feeling optimistic, finally making myself vulnerable enough to tell him that I completely trusted him not to abandon me and then....a month later he pulls the rug. As you say... I am now thinking that if he lied about abandoning me what else is he lying about. Did he lie about his observation about my "significant" progress? Did...
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Re: Dialectical Behavior Therapy
ok, i start crying when i walk in the door. what is that about. geez. actually, i know, it is time to pull my eggs out of my basket and be real. let it hang out. and to have someone who knows what they are doing (as opposed to my husband) listen and CARE? even if paid to care, wow....it honestly is more than i can take. wow. we did very little, i think she saw i didn't have much in me yesterday. just tears. and confusion and the desire to dissociate. i told her i don't intend to be...
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Re: Ever Run Into Your Therapist?
Resurrecting this thread if no one minds... I ran into my ex-P a few days ago. I went to the grocery store late at night (late for me) in my "yoga clothes" (which is pretty much the same as pajamas - but I figured I wouldn't see anyone I knew there, since only college students go to the store at night ). I was standing in line holding a six pack of beer and a tub of ice cream when he walked past. In my "yoga clothes". All that is missing from this picture are fuzzy slippers and a bathrobe. I...
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Re: Ever Run Into Your Therapist?
Well, at least you didn't have rollers in your hair. I'm sorry, I know this has been painful for you. It's just the mental image you just painted is quite funny.