Tagged With "Wounded Inner Child"
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Re: Checking in after a long break
Summer and HB, Thanks so much for the kind thoughts. And HB, thanks so much for the Cherokee Legend. What a wonderful story. I am going to print that out and save it. Yes, it's an awful thing to have to contend with. As I mention, it's an inner critic that's been there for a long time, but now it almost seems like it feels desperate and feels like it has to come out into the open a bit more and come at me with the worst that it has to offer. I keep responding by telling "it" that I'm...
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Re: Checking in after a long break
HI RUUUUSSSSSS!!!!! It's so good to hear from you... I've been wondering how you've been doing! I'm sorry to hear that you are still having bouts of awfulness... but you do seem to understand it a little better these days, and I think that is definitely a good thing! Your latest dream sounds like a good sign to me... I wonder what your t will say? I'm really glad you've stuck with this process Russ, I know it's been hard. You are working really diligently and it will pay off for you... that...
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Re: Checking in after a long break
Hi Russ...glad to see a post from you but sorry to hear that your inner critic is so loud and intrusive these days. I have one too and am trying to find a way to either ignore it or fight back or at least understand what triggers it. I found a website that I thought was very interesting written by Pete Walker. You can google him. He wrote an article about the inner critic with some helpful strategies on dealing with it. I plan to print it out and discuss it with my T. You dream sounds like a...
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Re: Checking in after a long break
Hi Russ, Thanks for checking in, I've been worried about you (I know I have my nerve considering how long I've been missing!). I get the inner critic as I had a very strong one myself. I've done some reading and the theory is that we internalize the negative stuff we pick up and criticize ourselves in an effort to keep us safe. If we yell at ourselves then maybe we'll not cross that invisible line and get in trouble again. Part of healing is learning that all of the criticism wasn't true in...
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Re: Checking in after a long break
hey CT, TN, AG and everybody. Thanks so much for all the replies. One thing is clear; that part of me - the harsh inner critic - is extremely strong. My T feels that despite it's hateful, sadistic voice, it is there to tell me something. It's not there just to be hateful and sadistic just because it can. He said that setting up a confrontational relationship with it isn't doing me any good. I think this is true since just telling that part of me to shut the hell up doesn't really do...
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Re: Checking in after a long break
I would like to second CG's thought here! I have a similar experience when trying to get through the anger and negativity. I think I've said in on here before, but this is what my t said to me once (and I'm definitely paraphrasing): Think about it like this. What does a young child do when he's angry? He strikes out with the most hurtful thing he can think of: I HATE YOU! I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE! YOU'RE STUPID! I'M NEVER GONNA TALK TO YOU AGAIN! But when young child is that...
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Re: EMDR?
Hi All I know this topic isn't really about ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) but I just wanted to give my own personal opinion / experience on this topic. I've had ECT. It was a last resort (both times) in my case and thankfully it worked to get me out of the rock bottom state I was in. The first time I had ECT I was suffering from severe postnatal depression and spent 16 weeks in a Mother-Baby Unit. I didn't want to hold my newborn child (whom my husband & I had desperately wanted and...
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Hi SG, I've read about the love-hate flip-flop and I've never really experienced it the way I've read about it. I don't so much hate my T as worry that he isn't the person I thought he was. I have definitely experienced getting very angry and/or upset with him on numerous occasions when he didn't do anything wrong. The first time I ever told him I was angry at him was because he canceled a couples appt at the last minute (8:30 AM for a 5:30 PM) and I just assumed that it was some kind of...
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Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
Hi S, Do you mind if I go one more round with you on this? I am in no way trying to denigrate or minimize your feelings and the pain you're in. I have experienced exactly what you're talking about and understand the depth of despair and crippling pain you're talking about. BUT I have also been experiencing working through that pain and alleviating it, so I wanted to just share a few things with you from my experience in case they might help you. Part of what makes this so difficult is that...
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Re: Hello, New Here
Welcome to the forum, MoonShadow, and thanks for introducing yourself. Your story really touched a chord in me. I understand the pain of parents leaving, of choosing someone else over you. My mother was a practicing alcoholic until I was 12, and for reasons well beyond my control, she resented having me and I felt it. When she got sober, I thought it would be different, but then she got divorced from my dad and moved in with another guy. Leaving us with our dad who we were told only wanted...
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Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
AG wrote: Earlier, I read how we are unable to think clearly while we are reacting emotionally. My last post is certainly embarrassing evidence of that truth. I am less emotional now and, hopefully, thinking more clearly. What I am learning from that outburst is how deeply afraid I am to face the truth of what is emerging from my repressed and/or dissociated memories. I am at least equally afraid that my T will leave me (physically or emotionally) to face those memories alone. I have no hard...
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Re: Questions, questions
Hi Magpie, I don't have any wise words but just wanted to share because there's so much in your concerns that resonates with me too. I had to smile (or maybe grimace) when you said introspection can be a headache. Sometimes it feels like a revolving door to me, and I just want to get off for a while! That's why I enjoy gardening and playing guitar/piano so much. Those "right-brain" activities give me much-needed breaks. Have you ever heard the saying "the unexamined life is not worth...
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Re: Questions, questions
Hi AG - I'm sorry to hear you were sick, it sounds like you've really been through the wringer! Thank you for sharing that mental exercise with me. I will keep trying! It doesn't help that I'm also fighting my mom's voice which always said quit crying, you're just trying to get attention, I'll give you something to cry about. She would even intervene when my dad would try to comfort me. I internalized this on a really deep level so it will take time. Pippi - I love your attitude about...
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Re: Deleted
HB, I think that is some good way of dealing with these feelings. It reminds me Litany Against Fear from "Dune" (I'm bit of a SF nerd): "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain ." Sometime after I started my therapy, and all of a...
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Re: Strategy...
I have just started a new deal. I am a christian and I met with a lady from church yesterday, she did some counseling with me cause I was in a really bad place yesterday. We talked about this stuff and she handed me three pages of stuff to read. It is all stuff straight from the Bible about what God says about me as His child. When I start beating myself up and feel that negative side trying to take over she said to pull those papers out and start reading them to myself. I had to do that...
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Re: Strategy...
Hi KS... I think what you may be referring to is described by Pete Walker as your "inner critic" and the place that you describe sounds like you are having "emotional flashbacks" both of which come from abusive backgrounds. I'm attaching a link to a really informative article (at least I thought so) which talks about this and gives 13 steps to managing these feelings. There is also a lot of other information on Pete Walker's website. He is an MSW and Marriage and Family Therapist. I don't...
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Re: Strategy...
Glad you both found the article helpful. I thought it was amazing how he captured the way my inner critic behaves and also how I react to it along with the description of emotional flashbacks. I had no idea this is what I've been having because as he says, there is no visual to it, just the overwhelming feelings and emotions. mlc, I have also printed it out and will take it to my session on Monday to share with my T. There is a lot of good stuff to discuss there. TN
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Re: .
So we can compartmentalize our thinking from our emotions....I certainly learned how to do that as a child. Here's another question: Does anyone here compartmentalize events that have happened and ways of being? I have found myself slipping into acting like I did years ago and this can happen when I get triggered by some reminder of something that happened to me...its like I become who I was back when the memory event happened. It can be a bit (a lot) embarrassing...especially when it...
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Re: why
Hi llilangel, I also try to find happiness in my existance. I hope it won't be all grey and miserable and I hope I will share my life with someone someday. I believe therapy can help me find the answers. It already did help me find something and I feel a lot better than around the same time last year. I can't say that I feel happy, but I don't feel overwhelmed by loneliness, isolation and anxiety. My little anxiety feelings that were appearing out of a sudden are pretty much gone. Sometimes...
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Re: into the breach
Hi Jones, SG, starfish, AG & blackbird Blackbird - This is what I try to do too for my two kids. I personally find it very hard to simultaneously be an adult / wife / mother whilst my own inner child is crying out and saying "why didn't I get this kind of love and attention" when I was little. It's like being a parent makes you re-experience your own raw childhood over and over again. I'm OK
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Re: into the breach
Hey, thanks for the good wishes and encouragement, Blackbird. My session's tomorrow - I feel just a bit hostile at the moment but if I don't want these sessions to continue to be miserable I need to turn that into SAYING what I feel instead of following the impulse to withhold. It is interesting to notice, though, that that's what I do when I'm feeling rejected and angry. It seems like switching off, holding back, going away is the only way to get my sense of self and security back. And...
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Re: into the breach
Thanks BB for your support too. I tried to explain to my T the other week how hard something had been for me in the days that followed out session, but could hear myself straight away starting to say it was no big deal and I was ok - even told her with some sort of vaguely cheerful smile on my face - then felt really hurt and misunderstood when she made little of it So then fell into the usual 'well it can't be that bad if she didn't react or pick up on my distress' which is not good...
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Re: into the breach
AG thank you so much for your wise and intuitive reply, you are so very right - those were all the cosequences for me if I expressed emotions. So I have learned not to, at almost all costs . . . except therapy is slowly changing that and I am learning by that by constant, safe, corrective feedback from my very patient T that I am now ok. But I still change back to a child with all those child fears and memories so quickly, so remain very wary. It is a painfully slow process and yes AG I do...
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Re: into the breach
I COMPLETELY understand this question since I've been asking it for years! First off, it's perfectly reasonable and completely understandable to want your P to fill the gap! These were healthy, normal, very human needs that went unfulfilled. Of course, you still want what you didn't get. So there is nothing wrong, and a lot right, in the desire you feel to get these needs met. One of my therapist's favorite things to say was that "therapy isn't enough" (to which my general reaction was "then...
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Re: into the breach
Hi Blackbird, I'm not familiar with Affirmation Therapy or the book but I do see alot of points of congruence with how my T practices. I do believe that a T/P needs to love their patient in order for them to heal. I know my T believes that although he won't speak directly of loving me. But he has often compared the theraputic relationship as the closest thing to unconditional love that we can experience from another person. You are totally accepted and there is nothing you can do which will...
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Re: into the breach
took me a while to find this thread... and this is the right one for me now... I had quite a good session yesterday. I was quite brave, well, he said I was brave. I was a child for a while, then I was the older me and I was being as honest and open as I could. It felt good. Then the time was up and I put on my jacket, grabbed my bag and while standing, ready to leave, I quietlty asked him if I could have a hug. He said "I'm sorry but I have a cold" and I stood there for a while not knowing...
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Re: Forgiveness
This is one area I am still trying to understand. Doesn't the concept of forgiveness imply that anger is wrong? To me, forgiving my abusers equals accepting invalidation of my pain - as if I am the one in the wrong for feeling the pain. I agree. I think it is especially hard when you know that person would hurt you all over again if given the chance. But even if they just act like what they did didn't matter, it's like adding insult to injury. Multiply such an incident hundreds of times...
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Re: Forgiveness
AG, I missed your amazing post somehow! I think I just forgot to refresh my screen since I've had this thread pulled up all day. Thank you so much for telling your own personal (and quite moving) story. I had only read bits and pieces of it before. I am humbled by what you have been through and how you have risen above it. I can see that you showed your trust in God even before you had forgiven your father. Whereas I am being rebelliousness right now (at least in heart) when it comes to my...
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Re: Forgiveness
Hi All, Thank you so much for your reaction to my story, it's very affirming for me to get that kind of feedback. MH,this is a good question. I did let go of the hatred BEFORE I talked to the priest, but as I mentioned forgiveness for me is an ongoing process (more on that later) in that as I have recovered more memories, there has been more to forgive and that forgiveness has not always come easily. Having that acknowledgement of the damage done, no matter how oblique(obviously, the...
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Re: How can I trust T again?
I wanted to reply to everyone individually, as I appreciate each of you taking the time out of your lives to respond to my cry for help. Thank you! Amazon: I feel that my trust with her is growing a lot, and thank you for the reminder that she did indeed pass the last test with flying colors. I feel she cares about me and our attachment to each other is important to her as she knows that's where my healing will occur. For now I will stick with her and work on fixing the trust issues. Thanks...
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Re: A new dilemma
CT, you were so sweet and adorable! (I'm sure you still are ) I just don't understand how could somebody not love enough or hurt this cute child... MTF, About the facebook list of friends suggestions, I think it is a "selection" of people that your facebook friends have as their friends rather then any profile visitors. I'm nearly sure about that, so hopefully that will calm you down a little bit. I think that's were the suggested friends come from. I think if your T has a facebookg profile...
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Re: A new dilemma
Amazon I know nothing about facebook so can't join in at all But how sad and true and very very moving was your observation that some people could actually hurt a beautiful innocent child like CT. It really really doesn't bear thinking about. CT thank you too -it's a wonderful photo starfish
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Re: She sees other Cs
Seablue: I really love AG's answer, as I always do. I so understand what you're feeling. I'm not having it super strong with my T right now, but I have been through other attachments in my life where I really wanted to be the only one. They were with teachers in school, and the one that was the most significant was a ninth grade French teacher. She was about 11 years older than I was, so she was almost like a big sister to me, the one I never had. She was really popular with her students and...
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Re: She sees other Cs
Thank you to everyone. Smiley - I know I really do need to accept that my T has other dumb clients - right after my tantrum I will work on it. AG, I might just take parts of your reply to my session this week. It really makes so much sense that this is manifesting out of not having my needs met, um ever. I hadn't previously thought I had sibling issues (not the rivalry at least) I now think there might be something to it. I did not feel jealous when my sister was born, just an intense love...
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Re: A new dilemma
First of all, Monte, Awww, I bet you were adorable regardless! I'll pay for a pic!?!? And secondly, all, .... .... .... I didn't know my pic would get such a reaction here! FYI- I may have made an attractive baby, but don't be fooled! That was twenty some odd years ago... THINGS HAVE CHANGED!!!! It's hard for me to look at old pics... I wonder sometimes- not so much anymore, but I used to- what did my mother think when she looked at me? What did she see that made her think "oh, she's crying...
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Re: A new dilemma
Don't sell yourself short, CT!! I'm sure you're beautiful. We all are!! We have just become our own worst critics and judges. So sad, too. Wow. I've been only just coming to grips with the emotional deprivation I suffered as an infant and young child (well, all my childhood, really) at the hands of an emotionally unavailable mother. It hurts a lot, and I've asked myself those same sorts of questions. I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's her issue, not mine, because as you so clearly...
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Re: .
Hi Ultraviolet, I just think it is (all the therapy stuff) awfull complicated and I can understand it's confusing you a lot. I'm feeling confused too about my therapy. I think there could be a shift in therapist's behaviour, maybe they need to push us at certain point, but... will they spot the right time? Don't know. I also read (trying to educate myself about it the best I can), that sometimes the therapist is not going to do what the client expects them to do. So of course we are not...
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Re: .
Hi UV... I'm so glad AG responded to your questions because she has a very articulate way of describing what has been happening and what you need to be aware of. I just wanted to add here that I am experiencing some of what you are going through with my T who is not experienced with trauma and attachment injury patients. As a result, my therapy has been a very bumpy ride as our dynamics are constantly shifting and changing. My T does not do a good enough job of finding a solid place to plant...
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Re: Unexplained, sudden sadness
Hi K, I was going to respond to your original post yesterday but have struggled to know what to say. I too have a hard time with feelings. I have come to realize since starting therapy that I have stuffed my emotions since I was very young. I learned as a child that my feelings were unimportant and my fears were even laughable, so I quit sharing them entirely and consequently stopped identifying with them. So I'm sure you can imagine that starting therapy was hard because it's set up so that...
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Re: Massive missive :)
AG, What a wonderful thing to read. You have been through SUCH a rollercoaster with this one. I don't have a lot of time right now, but I wanted to say a couple of things. You will make a WONDERFUL phone counsellor, and I'm so pleased that you're doing it and being brave enough to go through this learning experience. One of the things I grieve from my own childhood is that I feel like the pleasure of learning was taken from me. I usually had to figure things out on my own because I was too...
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Re: Define 'Disorganized Attachment', please?
Hi MTF, That's an amazing book but very heavy going. There were whole sections where I was gonzo confused and just moved on but there's a lot of really good information in there, especially the whole concept of mentalizing. Disorganized attachment is used to describe someone without a consistent attachment style. Sometimes they will use avoidant strategies and at other times behaviors associated with anxious attachment. In addition to both of those though, there is also a "freezing" or...
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Re: anyone doing true psychoanalysis??
what a kind person you are. yes, i do think the truth will set me free. i am only recently 'reborn', didn't know what was missing until i found it. i thought i was a Christian, went to church, etc. but, with my background and mixed religious messages from childhood (catholic, jewish, and practicing agnostic) i never knew God really knew me. this has been so wonderful, and my only true hope for healing, and sometimes is so healing...the things i hear through prayer...that i wonder if God is...
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Re: therapist falls asleep in second session
((((jill))) Transference? Yes, the thought crossed my mind but there are others on this forum who know more about the psychology of therapy than I do. I will say that if you are willing, and it sounds like you are, you can milk those sessions for every drop of lesson hidden in them. Underneath the anger at your therapsit behavior is a lot of pain and hurt caused by your parents that you have to grieve. You did not receive the love, attention, protection and care that you deserved as a small...
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Re: therapist falls asleep in second session
Hi again Jill Wow can I relate to your anger - and to the whole set up where your own valid and legitimate perceptions of a situation are denied or at best doubted as untrue. At the very least I would have expected him to acknowledge THAT you were feeling bad about something he’d done even if he wasn’t prepared to say straight out that he fell asleep (it did occur to me that maybe he wasn’t ‘really’ asleep but in an anti-allergy-drug haze) - having said that if taking anti-allergy drugs or...
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Re: Define 'Disorganized Attachment', please?
Russ, my heart just goes out to you. How painful it must have been to have a joyless mother and a ghost of a father. I have a similar setup in my family, and I have to say to you that it is the boys in my family (now men) who seem to have suffered under this more than the girls. (women) I am from a very large family. My brothers are suffering individuals. I have a sister with an anxiety disorder that is debilitating for her, she has to take meds to function because of separation at birth for...
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Re: Define 'Disorganized Attachment', please?
dragonfly and BB, Thanks so much for your kind words and thoughts. The encouragement and empathy I get at this place is moving beyond words, and it really does give me the will to keep going when I'm going through the kind of bad spell that I'm in right now. To be accurate, I'm not always in this wretched head fog, but when it moves in, it can stay for weeks and weeks and it's pure hell. So, instead of feeling, say, sad or intense longing or self-hatred, I get this physical/psychological...
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Re: Define 'Disorganized Attachment', please?
Hi Russ, Sounds like you're in a bad spot, and since I can completely identify with you here I wanted to reply. I know the cold mother story myself, and the "problem of love". My T had me get a book right at the start of therapy called "Reinventing Your Life". It's CBT based and talks about 'lifetraps' we set for ourselves based on how we learned to cope with life as children as we dealt with the life we were subjected to. In the book there's a chapter called "The Emotional Deprivation...
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Re: Define 'Disorganized Attachment', please?
Russ: It must be very difficult to function in this state. I think I have an inkling of how it feels, but I'm not sure. How does it feel? Your T says the triggers are right under your nose...do you have any idea what they might be, or are you clued out? I am clued out to what puts me into the bad place, and I would like to know so that I can deal with it head on when I see it coming kwim? It's almost like you feel your grief is made up or unjustifed unless you have some horrible felt memory...
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Re: Advice-giving in therapy
Jill, I fought and raged for long months (internally) against my T's lack of willingness to guide me. I have always longed for someone caring to take me by the hand and show me what to do to improve my life and my les-than-healthy way of functioning. It would feel so good if someone could do this for me. and, for myself, I really do need some help and guidance in this area making it doubly hard. Maybe you are the same. My T has said that for him it is a balnce between helping too much and...
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Re: Friendship with therapist after therapy ends
Hi Vitaluna, Welcome to the forums! I know that the ethical code varies some depending on the licensure that one obtained, but I want to say that a general guideline is 2 years. It's been too long since I had that class (went to school to be a T, but never was). I can speak to this from a personal standpoint as well. I had a T in my early 20's and I saw her for several years. She was a great T and we had a great professional relationship. From time to time she told me that she was doing...