Tagged With "be real"
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Re: New Here : )
Welcome to the forums, I hope you do keep posting! It sounds like you are in a tough place, I'm glad to hear you are seeking out help. I wouldn't describe transference as a problem. It can be tough and confusing, but it's also a way to understand yourself better and learn to develop a healthy relationship. Sometimes, I think that when we engage with a therapist, they are just biding their time until you "develop transference issues" so you can get started on the real work As so many people...
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Re: Rejected
He sounds irresponsible. I think a good therapist would have asked you if you thought you needed to come back. They also would have spent some time on the process of terminating because for many people that is a difficult issue. I really hope that you will give another a try. Have you ever considered calling him and asking to talk to him about this? Telling him that it was a real surprise to you when he did that?
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Re: Rejected
Well, when it happened I did contemplate going back to talk to him about it. But I felt that he seemed annoyed with me for whatever reason plus he'd said that he didn't think I really needed to go back. So, I think I would just feel like a real nuisance showing up or even calling and saying why did you say that, etc.
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Re: Checking in after a long break
Hi Russ, Thanks for checking in, I've been worried about you (I know I have my nerve considering how long I've been missing!). I get the inner critic as I had a very strong one myself. I've done some reading and the theory is that we internalize the negative stuff we pick up and criticize ourselves in an effort to keep us safe. If we yell at ourselves then maybe we'll not cross that invisible line and get in trouble again. Part of healing is learning that all of the criticism wasn't true in...
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Re: Why I retracted my Post
Hi flicka, I'm sorry you decided to retract your post and that you feel like you weren't able to express your opinion safely. I am not sure I read the post you're talking about, I certainly haven't seen anything I found hurtful or demeaning. I am sure that whatever it was you wrote, you were more than entitled to write it. You were speaking from your own experiences and who am I or anyone to cast judgement on that? Your experiences are real and even though some people may not...
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Re: Why I retracted my Post
Hi, I didn't read the thread you're referring to but here's one thing I've learned about transference so far; I think you can have it and not even realise it. For example, there have been times where I was so furious with my therapist that I wanted to tell him to go F himself and never see him again because he said something that hurt me. It took a while to see that the hurt feelings - triggered by my T - were really kind of a referred pain from an original hurt from my father...or my...
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Hi SG, I've read about the love-hate flip-flop and I've never really experienced it the way I've read about it. I don't so much hate my T as worry that he isn't the person I thought he was. I have definitely experienced getting very angry and/or upset with him on numerous occasions when he didn't do anything wrong. The first time I ever told him I was angry at him was because he canceled a couples appt at the last minute (8:30 AM for a 5:30 PM) and I just assumed that it was some kind of...
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Again first off I have to say thanks SG and AG for sharing your thoughts. While I don't think I have had hate feeling as such towards my T...he did mention to me a few sessions ago how he noticed I had been angry with him for a while. Part of me was shocked as I hadn't said anything along those lines to him and felt bad that he got this impression of me as I'm so crazy about him. But he was right. I was annoyed that he didn't save me and rescue me from the hurt and pain that I was feeling. I...
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
SG, I know that can feel really weird and kind of scary, but that's the Ts job, not to take it personally. I can remember apologizing to my T for being so suspicious of him when he had never given me any reason to be, in fact, quite the opposite. He, very gently, kept telling me that he understood, based on my experiences, why I would be so suspicious and need so much reassurance, that he didn't take it personally. There was one time (and trust me, I still flinch when I remember saying it)...
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Hi AG, Thanks for everything you said. I very much appreciate you sharing your experiences in therapy. I definitely have the feeling of “waiting for him to hurt me” and knowing that this will “end badly”. I admire you for being strong enough to stick with it and tell him about it. And I admire your T for handling it so well. I haven’t talked much to my T yet about the legacy of incest in my family. There was overt incest in both my father and mother’s families of origin. My mother’s family...
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Dear Strummer Girl, Yes, I think it is possible to like your T too much, so that you just can't move forward, even though they are keeping the boundries. I think that is what is happening to me--I find myself trying to say all the "right' things and not really letting the real me show through--warts and all. This happened with my previous T, and I think I stopped growing when I realized that I idealized her. She kept good boundries, so it was not her fault. I told her that I never expected...
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Lunabright...it helps. And welcome to the board! SG
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Re: The love-hate flip-flop
Hi again SG and hi to LunaBright..... I've been reading your posts and think, "Gee, hang in there...this arena is where you work out these patterns that we learned as kids.." I was also reading Shrinklady's reply to my Boundary question in the TherapyLingo part of this site and this is part of her reply that you might find fits into your conversation: "Our emotional patterns get laid down via our connection with parents and later with peers. The brain requires similar conditions in order to...
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Re: Stormy Piano Player
Shrinklady......you are the first person to tell me watching TV and movies bothers you too. SO, I am not alone on planet earth with my emotional reactions! It's interesting to hear you say you don't think watching more TV could help train the brain to handle emotional intensity.....it certainly doesn't feel like the right thing to do for me, so maybe I should trust myself a little more rather than accept everything I am told? I got so I couldn't watch anything on TV, safe or not.....I...
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Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
AG, I appreciate the optimism you share. Really I do. And you are right, hopelessness describes me well these days. If it is a matter of feeling the pain, then I am doing a great job. For the last 3 months I have cried my eyes out in my T's office. She is good about being empathetic for the 1 or 2 sessions I may get with her each week, and then I am gone. She deals with other patients and then she goes home to her husband (and what I reasonably gather after 3 years with her is a good life,)...
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Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
Hi S. Like a lot of threads on here I have been reading and paying close attention to your issues but have not had a chance and sometimes the right words to post a reply. I am so sorry for your pain. By what you describe I don't think what I feel is as bad but I think that is because I never really got to address the transference feelings. They were mentioned but never discussed. Like I said before, it was referred to as dependency rather than transference, almost like it was something more...
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Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
Hi. I'm new here. Never done this forum or chat thing before, though have evesdropped many times! Just wanted to say hi, tell you that this is all so real to me it is cool and scary at the same time. Feels like I have come home, yet validates my destructive thoughts more. Figure that?! Shit, you all seem so... um.. me!! Poor you! ;-) (Self pity barely masked as sympathy for others!) Of course now I am hating myself for even looking at this self indulgent stuff on the internet, but guess you...
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Re: Erotic Transference PAIN
Hi JAW, welcome to the forum, I'm glad you decided to post and say hi. I'm really glad that you feel like you've found place where what you're feeling can be understood and that you can feel at home. For so many of us dealing with this stuff, that understanding and acceptance can be really helpful. I am sorry to hear that it validates destructive thoughts though as I wouldn't want you to think that ANYTHING justifies hurting yourself. I hope you'll be able to talk about what you're feeling...
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Re: Hello, New Here
Strummergirl, thanks for the reply. So far from what I have read on here, this seems like a great place. I really hope I can learn from the people here and get more strength with trying to deal with this. As I said in my first post. I moved away from my family about 4yrs ago. I live about 6 hrs from them now, by myself. I really felt I needed to do this, to get out on my own, because of other things. Like I said, I moved back in with my mom when I started High school (age 15 or so) and lived...
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Re: insight
Hi emogirl. I can only try to imagine what 8 years of a relationship mixed up with transference feelings is like. I had 6 months of it and I'm still reeling from the shock of things finishing. The real positive in this (i'm sure it's hard for you to see one right now) is that you said that you're T handled your revelation gentle and professionally. Once your T has strong boundaries and handles the transference well then hopefully you can now work on this transference and stop it from...
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Re: Have you ever sued your Therapist?
I should complain?? I've done that to the centre and you know what the director told me? She said that I am paranoid and distorted. LOL I've talked to the police. He came to my place and we talked for hours. He said this to me " Just get rid of all the e-mails and all the evidence(?) and move on" He also told me that he is going to talk to my counsellor but I told him not to bother because my counsellor is all about denial. He is really a coward and he won't face me. He has given me some web...
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Re: Questions, questions
Hi SG. I'm really touched that you cried about what I wrote. It's really strange to know that someone else can feel something about it. I nearly didn't write anything about myself because I guess one of the things I learned was to switch off how I feel by focusing on how other people feel. This has done some real damage in my life, to me and others. I'm slowly getting better at seeing how it works and noticing myself in the process. I hope you are going ok with that crack in your armour.
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Re: Llyje
Hi K! It's good to "meet" you. I'm so sorry to hear that your T is treating you so badly. FWIW, I don't think you sound immature...but his behavior certainly does. It sounds like he's experiencing some kind of counter-transference. Usually T's consult with other T's on a regular basis in order to work through any counter-transference they're experiencing, specifically so they do not take it out on their patients, the way he is taking it out on you. If you've read my other posts you know I...
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Re: into the breach
(((((Jones))))) Ouch...not fair, not fair. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You know you opened up to take a big risk, hoping to be understood and safe. At first you thought you were, only to find out, maybe she doesn't understand after all, maybe it really isn't safe. This is exactly what I tried to do with my former T. I was so excited to finally have a T willing to listen to my story without judging...only to find out, he didn't really understand after all, not even close. Not...
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Re: into the breach
Thanks, Strummergirl, for hearing me so well. It's a real relief to feel understood. I'm still out of sorts, had trouble sleeping last night because of this and my work commitments are such that I really don't need that at the moment. It's only a couple of days till my session, though. There have been other times when I've felt misunderstood by her, and once early on she encouraged me to feel angry about it and to tell her. I guess since then in our six months I haven't had to directly...
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Re: into the breach
Hi Jones, I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know just how painful and confusing it can be. First of all, let me say that SG's response was very insightful and I agree with everything she said to you, especially about trusting yourself. The thing that makes healing from these kinds of injuries are that the injuries themselves make it difficult to do what we need to do to get better. When you did not have good attunement or a caring other (or even more so were actively abused) you...
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Re: Sick and tired
Hi Amazon, I know exactly what you mean. I felt like that about old P for over a year. Going onto a new combination of medication has meant that I have less anxious and racing thoughts about him and I am able now to move onto the real therapy that I need. I am much more able to focus on me and not him, that is such a relief too. I am not saying that meds are for everyone just saying what has helped me - and boy did I need some help lol.
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Re: Not sure what is going on
Pippi, if only you could sever the attachment you feel then you would be free to find a REAL P who would actually do his job. If he won't even prescribe meds what good is he for you? But I cannot preach to you about doing the logical thing right now because I guess I am not thinking rationally myself when it comes to my relationship with my T. I hear how much anxiety you are experiencing, and I know the feelings are so powerful. Keep venting here, especially if it helps you to keep your...
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Re: Not sure what is going on
Thanks for the reply MH. Right now I am in a really weird place. After everything that has happened I do not feel so attached to my P. I dont want to stop seeing him but I almost feel like if I got the termination letter in the mail from him I would be okay. I dont feel this stong loving feeling for him right now and I also dont feel strong anger towards him either. I actually kind of dont feel anything towards him right now which I have never been in this place before. I dont know if this...
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Re: into the breach
Jones, I really do hope that you can repair the connection with your T. I hear that you still feel let down by her and she still didn't do enough to bring you back. I don't know how much it takes, but maybe it needs to take few sessions to straighten things out, to feel again that you can trust her and she understands you. Maybe it just takes a bit more time. I'm trying to tell what I would hope for myself if I would go into the breach with my T. I realize my T is not perfect either. I...
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Re: Feeling like I revealed "too much"
Hey, Echo! I've missed you & been wondering how you are. As for my "new" T, I guess she's not so "new" anymore, right? I certainly hope the fears you are having about what your P thinks of you now are not true. You are still very much "worthy" of his empathy and time...even more so (if that's possible) now that you are taking the risks to be more real with him! At least, that's the way I think it should be looked at. Therapy is supposed to be a safe place to take off the masks! That's...
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Re: Feeling like I revealed "too much"
Sorry I haven't been around much lately to post. I feel like I've been slogging through mud for the past month with my T. First I'd like to welcome all the newcomers, dragonfly, monte, starfish, janedoe and blackbird. We are glad to have you all here (if I forgot anyone I apologize) because we all have something to contribute here and you never know who you are helping with your post. SG, glad to see you back posting too and hearing that your new T is working out so well for you and that you...
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Re: into the breach
Thank you so much Amazon & Strummergirl. I think it will just take some time to move forward from here but I feel more grounded. Like whatever happens from here at least I'm being MYSELF now. And I feel like I was just getting further and further away before. I'm scared - she has six years of experience, and I wanted someone more experienced, have had some really mediocre experiences with new therapists before and I just want to not have to worry about whether she knows what she is...
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Re: into the breach
Starfish, Could it be that you learned the hard way that talking about your feelings is a bad thing to do? You may have a LOT of experience that tells you its not a good thing to do. Often when we did not experience a lot of attunement as children or have the parental relationship as focused on our needs as it should be, we learn that expressing our real self, our real feelings, or expressing our needs can get us in to trouble, hurt or punished. So although in an intellectual way we can...
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Re: into the breach
Hi Blackbird, I'm not familiar with Affirmation Therapy or the book but I do see alot of points of congruence with how my T practices. I do believe that a T/P needs to love their patient in order for them to heal. I know my T believes that although he won't speak directly of loving me. But he has often compared the theraputic relationship as the closest thing to unconditional love that we can experience from another person. You are totally accepted and there is nothing you can do which will...
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Re: Forgiveness
Hi All, Thank you so much for your reaction to my story, it's very affirming for me to get that kind of feedback. MH,this is a good question. I did let go of the hatred BEFORE I talked to the priest, but as I mentioned forgiveness for me is an ongoing process (more on that later) in that as I have recovered more memories, there has been more to forgive and that forgiveness has not always come easily. Having that acknowledgement of the damage done, no matter how oblique(obviously, the...
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Re: getting through this moment, this day...
JD, It's SO good to hear from you! I'm really glad you posted because I've been wondering how you were doing. The program sounds really good and you sound like you're working really hard. I'm so impressed that you've been able to do this knowing that one of the settings for your trauma was a hospital. The staff sounds wonderful and I'm really glad you've found people who understand what you're going through and how to handle it. I really hear your ambivalence of being terribly homesick and...
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Re: Forgiveness
Dragonfly, I'm sorry. (Couldn't resist!) OK OK I'll behave! BTW I didn't see you raging at us at all, I saw your anger being directed against what happened to you and I think that 's a good thing. And I agree that's it really good that people be able to express their thoughts and feelings for whatever they are. I share your dislike of the the secrets and lies and denials. I remember once my T didn't answer an email of mine for three days in which I had asked for reassurance so I had gone...
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Re: How can I trust T again?
Thank you ladies for your replies. I really appreciate the encouragement I get from all of you, and your great insight, as I have such a hard time being objective about my own stuff. I want to reply to all of you individually, but right now I have so much in my head and I'm spinning out in my mind and just need to get it all out. I'm sorry. I have more to vent and didn't want to start a new thread since I'm already complaining here and figured I might as well continue on my already existing...
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Re: How can I trust T again?
Okay, time for an update (and a warning that it's a long one). Thanks SB for reminding me that I hadn't done that yet. It seems I get the session over with and feel such a huge sense of relief (and in the case of today, a huge sense of exhaustion because I've been getting a consistent 4-5 hours of sleep every night for weeks now and it's taken it's toll finally) and forget that some of you are so kindly wondering how things went for me. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. That means...
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Re: She sees other Cs
Seablue, You're a lot nicer than me if all you want to do is trip them. I do occasionally see other clients, but what's worse, I live with one. My husband and I see my T for marital counseling also and he was my husband's T first. There was awhile there where my T had to field emergency phone calls after every couples' session because I would feel so threatened by his relationship with my husband. I called once, get this, because he laughed too hard with him. I can actually blush remembering...
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Re: She sees other Cs
I love that, AG. I try to convince myself that this is true with my therapist, but it's a constant battle! I think, sometimes, it is so hard for us to imagine that our therapists can be genuine and giving of their affection and caring to us while establishing the same connection with other clients, because we just don't live and work in the same environment as them. In other words, with every person we talk to, we aren't asking them to bear their hearts and souls and connect with us on a...
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Re: Ever Run Into Your Therapist?
Hi K, Yep, once I was out walking in a public park with my husband and I saw her walking with someone (a family member?) in the other direction. I stopped in my tracks! The weird thing was I couldn't even quite recognise her, because a) it was so out of context and b) at that stage I hardly looked at her in sessions!! But she gave me a big smile and kept walking. I felt sort of weird, sort of rejected in a knee-jerk way but also relieved that we didn't talk. She never tells me any personal...
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Re: .
Hi UV, It's good to hear from you and it's perfectly ok to post questions asking for input, that's a big part of what the forum is all about. Can I first tell you that this was a really articulate, insightful snapshot of where you are in therapy? You're obviously working really hard, and you're focus is where it needs to be, on understanding your behavior. I can understand you being confused by what's going on. I want to state my usual disclaimer. There were a lot of things in your post that...
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Re: Hurting
Hi AG Firstly, can I ask you to breathe? I know that sometimes you have written on this forum that you can forget to do this..... so please take the time now to take a few deep breaths in and out. Ok, are you still with me? Either that or you are reaching for the html slapper to use on me!! Everything you wrote makes complete sense (your fear of termination, your frustration with your DH OT, your work colleague leaving, your daughter / health issurance phone calls). Someone wrote in the book...
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Re: Hurting
Hi AG, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now. I think you've got some great support and advice so far, and I just wanted to throw my own two cents in here. I agree that nothing any of us says can take away the pain you're feeling, but hopefully the fact that we care and support you will help a little. I agree with I'm OK, so feel free to pull out the HTML slapper here. I think you're really pushing yourself too hard to finish therapy before you need to and I have no real idea WHY? I...
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Re: Ever Run Into Your Therapist?
Thanks BB, He also wants to explore the attachment- connection thing, between us. This REALLY makes me nervous. He says it goes both ways, but to be perfectly honest, I don't see how it can. (I think to a degree it must go both ways in order to care about his clients) If it is more than I can take, I am running for the hills, but he is too good, and too professional for it to be anything more than that.I know how I feel about him, and I am pretty sure he knows, but I'm unclear as to why I...
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Re: Massive missive :)
AG Thanks for the long missive - well worth the read - it was a wonderful insight into your relationship with your T and shows the power and effect of true openness and honesty in that relationship. It feels like you have been on a real roller coaster the last week or so, these journeys are always so difficult at the time, but you have shown in your reflections and writing how important each twist and turn has been in helping you understand yourself and the process more. And I love the...
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Re: Massive missive :)
Wow, AG! How awesome for you to connect with someone so accepting of you and so safe. It appears these healthy experiences are seeping down in and reaching every broken crevice of your soul and are healing you from the inside out. While reading your missive I felt your joys and your sorrows and thought of how you could easily rename it "The agony and the ecstasy of therapy." Thank you for sharing! I have just a few thoughts I want to share with you. How great it is for you to just be and be...