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150 minutes of psychological assessment

T turtleMember
Okay So now I have gone back to the new T for the second time. Today it was a 90 nminute session of intense questioning. There was no paper work. Just asking me in detail about my life. At one point the T got up and ran over to me and kept asking me if I was okay. I was confused. She took a rock and sprayed it with something that had a strong scent and told me to smell it. lol. I did. It was weird. Actually the intern was the one talking to me while my actual T just sat and watched and occassionally asked me if I was okay. I asked them at the end of it if they had gotten what they needed. They said yes but then my new T said "We need to do another one" To which I said "More?" She said yes we'll do another 60 minutes next week. I can't imagine what more they can ask me. I feel like I have been picked up and dropped on my head. At the end of it all she also said that I have to wait to start group in two weeks and that we can't do any coaching calls until she sets up a treatment plan. I took that to mean no calls at all. But I feel so spaced right now that I know once I get out of this intense fog (resulting numbness from reviewing my whole life) that I may just be side swiped with an avalanche of emotions, insecurity, pain etc. How do not ask her if I did an okay job or not? At times I literally felt like someone else was speaking for me and I was watching myself talk as if I were hearing it for the first time. I felt so sad for what I had been through at times. Ashamed at other times. It seems like it was all filled with pain and very little happiness, joy or comfort.

Therapy is so painful.
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catalystcatalystMember
((turtle))

Sounds like it was a little different than you were expecting. I'm glad your T was attending to you, and sorry you had to answer so many questions. I'm not sure how personal they were but I know for me on many of my intake sheets I could only say so much. Now when I go for an assessment at a hospital for example if I'm trying to go inpatient I don't care what I say anymore. It's understandable you're feeling foggy... I hope it lifts soon. You were brave to go through with it!
T turtleMember
It was a lot different than what I expected Cat. I mean it was sort of nice to have these people so interested in my life. And it was sort of scary to hear myself talk about it at the same time. Even I have to admit that I have been through a lot. WHen she started to ask me about CSA I totally left the room. That's when my new T came over. She was in front of me saying my name repeatedly and asking me if I was okay and if I needed grounding. She told me that at any point I can refuse to answer any question. I told her that I knew that but that it was okay. I could tell my face was bright red. I mean I could feel it burning. I do feel I am very ready to talk about my past. I just haven't found a T who really wants to hear about it.

Thanks for your wishes that the fog lifts soon. I am afraid of the fog lifting but maybe it will be okay. I didn't feel so brave. But maybe I was. They gave me no feedback on how I did.
thekidthekidMember
Hi Turtle...just wanted to say even tho it may have felt overwhelming at times, I must say you have a tremendous amount of strength that you may not be fully aware of yet. To recount the things you had to and still function enough to get yourself home and anything else you had to do cannot be ignored. I really mean that. I haven't suffered the same things as yourself or others on this board and I know how I felt when I left my first appt with my current T. I thought I was gonna wrap my car around a tree on the way home! And, I think it's totally understandable and normal to feel like someone else was answering for you. Very smart move on behalf of the part of that felt she needed to do that for you.

I think you deserve a huge hug and congratulations...if that's okay.

The Kid...okay, and li'l one, too, even tho she's been in hiding lately.
T turtleMember
Thanks for the encouragement Peng!


Shaman thank you also for the validation. You're right that was a lot to go through. Feeling very insecure today and like I want to cancel the next appointment. I am trying to not act on that and let things settle before I make any decisions.

Hey TK thanks for your response. It brought tears to my eyes because I hadn't realized that it did take a lot of strength to do that but it did. Hugs to you and li'l one!
T turtleMember
Awe Hollow, your post brought tears to my eyes as well. It's so comforting to get this feedback because it allows me to be kinder to myself. It helps me put it into prespective. The whole thing ended abruptly yesterday and there wasn't room or time for reassurances or anything like that. It was sort of like "see ya next week, now get outta here" I mean that's how it felt. So your response made a huge difference to me. (It made me chuckle a little too)
armoredheartarmoredheartMember
((Turtle))

You really are amazing, resilient and inspiring!! Hug two

I am really sorry for how painful it is to relive everything though

I've never had to do such an in depth intake, and if I have to in the future I think the only way I'll survive is remembering that 'hey turtle did this!! turtle proved it can be done!!' So now you have given the gift of showing others what can be accomplished by your brave example.

Otherwise left to my own devices, I would likely vomit, curl up in a ball somewhere, tell the new T to go F herself after every question, or break all the pencils on her desk. (<- this is mostly added to give you a smile or chuckle, although when I really stop to think about it I may not be that far off from how I'd potentially handle it) Wink Big Grin

Hang in there

AH
MallardMallardMember
quote:
And in the tale of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise/turtle wins the race! (the appendix to the story includes an evil exT who is tarred and feathered in the town square)


That made me laugh out loud. Big Grin

Turtle, bloody hell, that all sounds absolutely exhausting, intimidating... ugh. I am so sorry you are having to dredge up memories of the past too. I remember when I was not a well bunny in my early 20s and after a long list of disastrous GP appointments I finally got referred to a psychiatrist and when I got there she peered at me from behind her enormously intimidating leather clad desk and made me fill in the longest questionnaire I'd ever seen. While she watched. I was too terrified to do anything else.

Thankfully she then concluded that I was in fact seriously depressed, which is what I'd been trying to tell my GPs for months. Razzer

It sounds like you've been extremely brave given what you've had to contend with these last couple of months. I really hope you're able to move forward and do some work with new T.
T turtleMember
quote:
You really are amazing, resilient and inspiring!!


AH I had to read that a couple of times. I so do not feel that way at all. I feel like a total loser and like maybe I did the whole thing wrong but I am working on taking that in. I sort of failed today and did call her VM and told her I feel very insecure at the moment and like I want to cancel the next meeting. I asked if she could call with reassurance. I am trying to be direct about what I need but it sure made me feel even more like an idiot. Ugh. Now I wonder if I'll answer if she calls back even. God sometimes I can't stand myself.

Ainsley , I wish I could recouperate. I just keep ruminating about it and worrying that I incurred a horrible diagnosis based on my answers and what they may have observed about me. She did call Barry on the show Storage Wars a narcissist and like Barry so I thought "oh no she's going to think I am a narcissist too." My brain won't stop today..

Mallard Turtle, bloody hell, that all sounds absolutely exhausting, intimidating... ugh

Yes you make a good point as well. I am pretty tired. I feel in need of a lot of comfort right now. I wish I could give it to myself. I am trying so hard but the ruminating and worry keep getting in the way. Your words and those of others' help me a lot. Thanks for your support.
T turtleMember
Thanks RE. I now regret doing it.

I just wanted to do therapy. I told her my diagnosis. I would not lie about it. Who would admit to that? I mean I haven't had any therapy for 2 months now and I am going through a very tough time. I am on a nightmare merry go round.

I am inclined to call and cancel with her now. I have a lot of reasons to quit with her.
armoredheartarmoredheartMember
(((Turtle)))

Sending you hugs and my thoughts tonight. I struggle on an epic level feeling anything positive about myself, but I really feel positively toward you and see your strength. So I relate so strongly to how you view yourself, but from an outsider's perspective looking at your situation I truly do see you as inspiring and brave.

I say that because you've inspired me, turtle. I know I haven't known you very long, but I've thought of you making it through that session and it has pushed me to do things I didn't believe I could do. For whatever that's worth, just know that even though you feel so low now, you inspired another person to keep going.

I do want to validate all your feelings though, and tell you that it's so understandable that you would be exhausted and worried and anxious. I hope you will be gentle with yourself now and as RE said just one thing at a time, and know that you have so many rooting for you. Smiler

Hug two AH
S shamanMember
Hey Turtle,

I really hope you find it in yourself to keep the appointment. I'm rooting for you with the rest of us here.
You know, English is not my mother tongue and even though I manage reasonably well, I always get stuck searching for the exact words or phrasing when it comes to communicating my feelings - which is tough when participating on this forum, believe me Smiler
But, Turtle, I really, really am touched every time I read your posts and replies. I think they're considerate, funny, intelligent and compassionate and somehow I'm convinced that you are too. Hang in there girl. And keep coming to us for strenght, we're here.
I'm thinking of you, hard
Hug two
T turtleMember
Sorry for the late response to the latest responses! I have been afraid to open this thread because shame takes over sometimes. I am glad I took another look.

Shaman that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Your kind thoughtfulness and patient observation come through on this forum. I am sure that in person you are even more of a wonderful person.

AH -
quote:
say that because you've inspired me, turtle. I know I haven't known you very long, but I've thought of you making it through that session and it has pushed me to do things I didn't believe I could do. For whatever that's worth, just know that even though you feel so low now, you inspired another person to keep going.


I am working to take that in and believe it. It means a lot to me that you see me as an inspiration. Perhaps all this pain isn't all for naught??

Hollow - You're such a supportive and giving person here on these forums. It is really a pleasure to know you. Thanks for thinking of me. I am thinking of you as well.
T turtleMember
Tomorrow morning, bright and early I will go and have the second half of this assessment done. It is scheduled for an hour. I am nervous and yet I am not nervous. A part of me says "whatever!". I have no control over my diagnosis and problems. That is clear. Not at this time anyway. Seems like no matter how hard I try to hide what is wrong with me "they" (psychologists figure it out) At least now they know how to deal with it supposedly.

I saw a different T on Friday but I was very late because I had the time wrong. We talked for about 10 minmutes but had been emailing each other on and off for about a month. She semmed really nice and if I saw her I could stay in the group I am right now with the Ts and people I like so much. It's just that the assessing T is the one who comes so highly recommended. So far I find her to be very direct, she smiles a lot, frequently winks at me and that's about it so far.

I just want to get better and it's been a long, twisting, winding, uphill, downhill, curved, steep graded, icy, wet, slippery, dry, sanded, unexpected journey to recover. Still not there. Nope. Still not there.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hey turtle... good luck with the second part of the assessment. I hope it goes well for you. It seems like you now have two T's that seem like a good fit for you.

I know you are feeling scared and apprehensive about the assessment but you are way stronger than you even know and you will do fine.

Let us know how it goes.

Hugs
TN
T turtleMember
Thanks AG!

I am not getting the sleep I need. I have to leave here in 4 hours and have not slept a wink. I am anticipating this next diagnostic interview. She told me they would be asking me about my current problems and goals. My problem right now is that I am very very uncomfortable being interviewed by two people. My T and my future group leader. The group leader is a young pretty woman who doesn't look to be out of her 20s. I see her as a niece or something. I must have an iron clad rule against divulging an problems to someone this young. I was able to tell about the past abuse to some degree but now to have to speak of what is currently happening in front of this young woman is very threatening to me. It's hard enough speaking candidly one on one with a T I don't even begin to know.

I guess I will have to do the best I can but I know I will not be forthright with most of it. Should I tell them my dilemma? I don't want to make the group T uncomfortable.
thekidthekidMember
Actually, I think Hollow has a great idea. To help clients feel a bit more in control, I think putting together our own list of questions would help. That way, "they" are not the ones completely in the driver's seat. Plus, I think it would help see things written out instead swirling around in our minds.

Thinking of you today, Turtle. Please keep us posted if you can.

The Kid
T turtleMember
Hey that is a good idea Hollow!! Next week I should tell her now I have a questionaire for you and I will give you my diagnosis at the end of it! HA HA!! But seriously I like the idea just as The Kid does too.

TK thanks for thinking of me today and also Peng thanks for the support and ((RB)) thank you as well.

Well guess WHAT First let me say that it went well. Secondly let me say that they want to further assess me for dissociative symptoms. She said she saw quite a bit of it in our last two sessions and she wants to get a grip on how far it goes. Okay that scares me. I mean genuinely scares me. I have to go now but will check back later.
T turtleMember
Thank you Yaku and AH!!

Yaku, I suppose you are right. It's best to know the real problems in order get to what will work in therapy. The thing is that I don't think I dissociate much at all. I mean friends tell me things that make me wonder but other than that I don't notice much.

And get this! Her next client was waiting at the desk where we had to stand to schedule our next apt and they high fived each other very enthusiastically! I thought "oh man that takes the waiting room paralysis to a new level. But oddly it didn't bother me. It helped that she turned and patted my shoulder and said "I look forward to next week"

(((AH)))) You've been such a supportive caring person to me in this situation. I am so grateful!

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