I wrote this a few weeks back and posted it in a different forum.

I thought I would repost it here. I hope it is encouraging and helpful to others.

T.

*Possible Trigger Warning*

It is 2:45 a.m. where I am at. I can not sleep because the pain I feel is so intense. I wish I could go back to being the person I was before all of this happened. I wonder if it is truly worth it to wade through all of the sh** to get to where you need to be.

I am baffled at how ones' life can literally be stuck on repeat. To avoid all we can from repeating the same cycles in childhood that were beyond our control, only to find yourself smacked right up side the head with the very same thing as an adult. Thus igniting a firestorm of emotion, with reactions that undeniably force you into dealing with your traumatic past.

If only people realized what kind of power or potential they have in regards to their ability to destroy another or build another up.

I am looking for the person I used to be and can not find her. I try to figure this out logically and my brain says, "You are on your own. I can't help you with this." I have always been able to figure everything out. On this, I am stuck. I reach for answers only to find more questions. I try to push all of these emotions aside with business and meetings, etc. during the day.

The nights are the hardest. When the quiet settles in and the thoughts coupled with the pain seems unbearable.

You realize you are on your own. You don't see the way out and yet, he (therapist) says with time you will come out of this. How much time will it take? No definite answer. How long to fill what has been hollowed out through heartache and tragedy? No definite answer. It takes time.

That is the most excruciating part of this. Time moves no faster or slower for those in pain. It is steady, continuous. It favors no man due to circumstances. Time holds the happy and the hurting. You must bear the succinct marching on of time. If happy and content, it hardly seems excruciating. If in pain, time seems an enemy that is not mindful of how much you are hurting.

Sometimes when I am on my way to therapy I ask myself, "What are you doing?" Since childhood I have been cleaning up other peoples' messes. I feel that is exactly what I am doing again due to the actions of another. Maybe that is why my personal experience with therapy has been so challenging. I am cleaning up someone else's mess. The people that caused all of this are not coming to therapy to fix what they have done. Millions and millions of pieces trying to be put back together.

For those of you who are courageous to continue week after week, facing your fears, pain and the muck and mire of yesterday in order to be free to live a better today and tomorrow, I admire you. It is not an easy road. We often get in the way of ourselves. We follow detours, set up roadblocks and sometimes even push away our guide (therapist)when we need their assistance in getting us where we need to be.

I want to give up. Others are depending on me, so I can't. I want to hide, to get away from all of this, but others are depending on me, so I can't.

Facing the wind, the rain, the cold and the darkness. I will. I must. Others are depending on me.