Yes, this week is not only my first week of classes in T school, it is also my two-year anniversary of seeing my T. I guess it feels meaningful for both of those to be happening at the same time.

I saw T today. I told her a little about my classes and professors, and an assignment I was excited about. Then I talked a little about my mom, and how sometimes her statements have a double message, where they are nice on the face of them but underneath there is a little jab. I said it is like a nicely wrapped present but then when you open it, it is full of poo. She said yes, and that is probably why you are always suspicious of double meanings in things that other people tell you (I'm constantly reading negative stuff into stuff T says even). I had never made that connection before but it made a lot of sense.

After that, I asked if she knew I'd been seeing her two years now and she said yes. I said I looked in the "for my therapist" section of the Hallmark store but I didn't find anything She said they should make a series of therapy cards for all of the possible feelings including "I hate you!" I threw in "I hope you get hit by a falling tree and die" because I once told her that in an email

After that I asked her what her first memory of me was. She said she remembered figuring out that it would be very important for her not to be intrusive with me. She also said she remembered the first time I rolled my eyes at her and she said it was also endearing about me and kind of a teenager-type thing the way I come into her office and basically chuck my bag on the floor and flop onto the couch. I kind of knew I did it but it was sort of sweet to know she finds it endearing. Then I told her how I remembered how she took a good ten minutes on the phone giving me directions to her office, even though I didn't actually need them. I talked about filling out her paperwork before the first session and how I was so upset I couldn't finish it and then I dropped her clipboard on the floor and fortunately she came to check on me. She said it was brave of me to try again after things went south with my prior T and I said I feel like I was just really desperate

I told her that at that time in my life when I started seeing her, everything was so hard and painful, and I was in a state of anxiety every single session, but that when I look back on it now, I feel grateful. She said it went both ways, that she felt grateful too. I think she was trying to say something about my willingness to do things that were hard but I kind of tuned it out. It was hard to hear. I said when I look back I realize how patient she was. She said you are worth it, you are worth being patient for. I really wanted to brush that off and I said it was hard to take in. She said, part of my job is to hold things for you that you aren't ready or able to hold for yourself yet. I guess...I always think that someday in the future I will prove to her that I was worth it. Like one day when I've become an awesome T and accomplished all kind of things, then I will have proven my worth. That she thought I was already worth it is something that confuses me.

As we were sitting in somewhat awkward silence after all of this heavy emotional stuff, she proposed a toast which was funny because she just had a mostly-empty glass of water and I had my water bottle, but we toasted. Then we talked a little about oldT and how I wished she could see how I was doing now. I said that a lot of what transpired between me and oldT was in the nonverbals and how hard it was for me to tolerate her basically staring at me and just being in the room with her, and so it wasn't the same to email her and TELL her how I was doing. But I don't think I'll see her in the next couple of years because I already asked to see her (in a non-therapy context) and she told me (in the absolute nicest way possible) that her life was just too busy. So I guess I will have to keep waiting or if I'm desperate I could actually ask for a session for closure purposes, but that would be like admitting defeat

So that's about it...I feel excited and a little impatient about starting school and finally doing something that feels like concretely moving forward with my life. This forum has seen a lot of turnover over the last two years, but cheers to you who still remember what I was like back then, and I wish lots of growth to all of us in the year to come!