Thanks AG. I guess my day was busy enough but not with really productive work. I get really anxious about layoffs and losing my insurance. In the 1 1/2 yrs that I have worked there, we have had 3 rounds of layoffs. I think I survived because compared to everyone else in my dept I am cheap. I really like the job, it is the first job I've gotten in my field. Not to mention that I dread the horror of job hunting and interviews. I positively crack under that pressure.

I haven't revealed anything about myself that could be used against me later especially that I have a mood disorder and am in therapy once sometimes twice a week. People just don't understand and quickly judge. I think I have only told like 4 other people outside of my family. I really just don't know how to explain it.

This forum is the first time that I have talked to anyone who understands outside of my T's. I have really appreciated everyone's candor and encouragement.

So, the 24hrs is almost up and I did pretty well this time. Of course having another appt on Fri makes it a lot easier. I can do 3-4 days pretty well but usually nosedive after that. I don't always go twice a week, only when I can afford it and she has an opening. Makes for a better week when I do though.

Ciao,

Hi River,
Ah yes, the Ramones. Cool song.

Sorry I missed the opportunity to reply to this earlier. I am glad today (the first 24 hrs) went ok. I sure get that 24 hour ache. A couple sessions ago, my time was up and I looked at my T and said “I hate this part. The next day or two will be so hard for me.” She just looked at me so compassionately then I continued, “Is it really ok if I call you tomorrow or the next day and you call me back?” She said “Yes.” There is nothing like the feeling of reaching out to her just for that connection and her reaching back to me when I need her to.

I am in the school of “on a need to know basis” regarding information. I know we all have trust issues, but sometimes it is better not to share too much especially where work is concerned. A lot people I know do know that I am in therapy, but they do not know the details. Very few know "the details." But I also think it is good to have a good support team of family and friends that you CAN talk to about therapy. I have two friends besides my husband who have heard me ramble. And you ALL know that I can do that.

I couldn’t help but smile when you said “So, the 24hrs is almost up and I did pretty well this time. Of course having another appt on Fri makes it a lot easier.”

What more can I say but, yea. I get that.

Hang in there! Only 72 hours to go.Or 4,320 minutes. Give or take depending on whe yo read this post.

you guys are funny, but i totally understand. i can only see my T every 2 or 3 WEEKS! i've only been 4 times now. i was hoping the counting down til time to go back would go away after awhile. guess not, huh?

Ok, now there is LESS than 24 hours until T-day. Of course I am eagerly looking forward to it, but does anyone else find themselves already antipating the hours after their next appt? I am already realizing that by this time tomorrow I am going to be in the same boat River described to open this thread.
:Perplexed: =/

i totally understand. i feel like i must be some kind of freak or something because i want to talk to him so badly. i never bargained for all these crazy feelings. i'm thinking of quitting therapy because i know in time these emotions would fade away. but the sessions have changed my outlook for so much the better, even though i've only been 5 times. any advice?

Sometimes I dread how I'll feel after the appointment so much I think I just rather not go. At one point I felt so tortured by the transference (again, this was before I knew what trans was)I was ready to quit therapy altogether. A week's torture for 45 minutes hardly made it seem like I was getting any better. This was about the time I found Shrinklady's article on transference and finally got the courage to ask my T about it. Recognizing the transference has made a big difference for me. The shame I felt about all of my feelings was greatly reduced. So even though we haven't really talked about it since, at least I know it is OK to feel this way and I am not alone.

I hate it though. Transference is a bitch.

Hi AJB;
My advice? Stick with it.

That is probably all that I need to say, but if you’re familiar with my usual posts it’s not likely for me to stop there. Still I promise not to belabor the point, for it really is that simple. Especially since you are already noticing a positive change in only 5 sessions, I think that speaks loudly to the testimony that you made the right choice by entering therapy in the first place. It is a positive force from the very fact that you are doing something for yourself. I remember in about that many sessions I decided to keep a journal. My first entry reads something like this: “Walking out of my therapy session today I felt a bounce in my step that I had not noticed in a very long time.”

We all enter therapy for various reasons though we share some common threads as you have probably noticed. Likely you are finding someone in your therapist who devotes 50-60 minutes each session just to listen to you. To hear what no one else can hear, never took time to hear, but passionately needs to be heard.

You are not a freak. It feels that way sometimes because it is scary to surrender your soul to someone whom you have every reason to fear to trust- A stranger to whom you are developing very strong feelings for that culminate from such an intimate reltionship.

So hang in there. Keep an honest open dialogue with your T about all of your feelings. They are not as strange as they feel, and they may become more intense, but I as well as others here will assure you that it needs to be as intense as it is sometimes. That is when some real healing takes place.

You are in the beginning phases of therapy where you are learning to trust your T. It may come to the point where you may consider weekly appointments if that is within your means. If not I am sure your T will work with whatever means you have. But be prepared to use this relationship to its full potential. Remember that it is a partnership. And YOU have a lot of hard work to do and it is worth ever effort.

I am glad you found our community. Keep coming back and posting, let us now how every thing is going. There are a lot of good listeners here.I am looking forward to getting to know you.

JM

AG-Sometimes it terrifies me to be so understood. But I like it. LOL!

One more thing AJB,

I highly recommend the book "In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists" by Deborah Lott.

I wish I had this at my disposal when I first noticed these overwhelming feelings of transference developing. This saved my sanity and helped me to open up more. And then this website as you've already found. It's wonderful.

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-o I wanna be sedated
Just put me in a wheelchair get me to the show
Hurry hurry hurry before I gotta go
I can't control my fingers I can't control my toes
Oh no no no no no

I was feeling BETTER before my session this morning than after. Before I went I was doing pretty good, feeling pretty balanced and even wondering if I really needed to have made this appt. Leaving my T at the end though made me so sad and alone. It is like just being with her cracked whatever thin shell of "OK-ness" I had. I think I drove like a block and I had this incredibly strong urge to go back. I hated that I couldn't go back. That was it. I had to move forward and find a way to cope with the feelings. They are after all just feelings. They will fade. Besides I go back on Monday so it is not like I have to wait all that long. I just wasn't expecting to feel so down since I was feeling so good earlier. The session itself was OK and maybe that is what happened. Maybe I am disappointed by the session. I don't know exactly but it feels a lot like my daughter did last night when she got to play with our little neighbor and was so excited about it. But when 15 minutes later the neighbor girl had to go home, Baby Girl was so crushed that she just melted down and cried. Kind of like getting a yummy ice cream cone that falls on the ground like after two bites.

AG - I hope you've heard from your T. Did he get you in?
JM - I am mourning the first 24 with you today girl.

Thanks for the shared sympathy River. Yea, I’m feeling it too.

I had quite a session today and I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been emotional this week anyway and then I went in with all this stuff to share w/ my T and she begins session this time by reminding me that she is going away the last two weeks of the month, and then she dropped the big one, (pause for emphasis) she will be unavailable during those two weeks. Yes, you heard me right. The tears didn’t even have time to well up in my eyes; they just streamed down my face immediately. She apologized for my pain, but that is exactly why she wanted to discuss this now.

There is a great preparation work we need to tend to before she leaves. So while I am in shock that she will not be available, albeit the dear lady deserves it and seldom makes herself unavailable, I find myself extremely touched by her care and concern to prepare me for this difficult time. She is truly concerned and attuned to me right where I need her to be. We talked about self-soothing techniques that I already know and what I can do to nurture me (the little girl) and she even offered to make a recording of her voice as a guided imagery CD so that I can use that while she’s gone- if I think that would help. I could not believe what a beautiful offer that felt like to me. So even though I barely touched on anything “I planned” to talk about, what we shared today was invaluable. I am in total awe. I thought to myself, if SHE thinks I am worth this effort, then I can believe that I am. I know it won’t be easy, but with that part of her close to my heart, I think I will be ok.

Wow Just Me!

How wonderful that your T is so attuned to you. Of course this makes the separation harder but it will help knowing that you both did what you could to help you get through it. I especially like the CD idea.

I can image that this session was a good affirmation that your T does know and appreciate how deep and intense your feelings are for her right now. You've done a good job communicating this to her so she knows now that you need some good prep to get you through. Good work JM!

Hi River and AG,

Thanks for the nice complement on my relationship w/ my T. That is very reassuring to hear someone else acknowledge that. I am in a very strange place right now. I think it is good though. It’s just something I’ve never quite experienced before. I created a new thread about it somewhere in here. Would really love some input.

Anyway, that news about My T not being available for the two weeks was not easy to hear. But the truth is I NEVER call her when I know she is on vacation even when she is available. Once, I did call not knowing she was on vacation and when she returned my call “internationally” she admitted that she was on vacation, but had made time to return calls. However, I went into, “No everything is ok. You enjoy your vacation. I’m fine” mode. She tried to get me to fess up but I refused and as soon as we hung up I burst into tears.

The good thing about her establishing her “unavailability” this time is that I don’t have to obligatorily do it for her. I ‘m actually relieved about that and that she is giving herself well deserved time off. She is not abandoning me or any of her other clients. She has 2 colleagues that we can contact if we need to. Plus the extra effort she is spending with me the next 2 weeks itself is very heartening. So I am good with that. It won’t be easy, but I will be ok. I have other resources and things I can do during that time and acknowledging that is a cognitive approach to healing. I think this will actually work out to be more beneficial for me and her in the long run. She knows her limitations and when she needs this kind of a break. I think that speaks volumes to the fact that you cannot take care of others if you do not take care of yourself. She is a good role model.

JM

quote:

"Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated...

Guess where I was this morning …anybody??

Yep, that’s right I was in session. Was ok, nothing spectacular, no big emotional awareness, but we covered multiple things-played catch up actually because so much happened since last week, and I never got a chance to talk about a few things that happened the week before. So we’re all caught up now. I gave her my voice recorder and I am anxious to see what she puts on there. Probably something subliminal like, “I can never tell you this in person, but you really do annoy me. Stop calling already!” (Just kidding)

So next week is my last session before she goes away for two whole weeks. I have this image of me as I am leaving next week that I fall to my knees grabbing her leg begging her not to go. “But you can’t leave me, please don't leave” as she drags me out of her office still attached to her leg saying, “everything will be ok. Now let go will ya. Somebody get the jaws of life!” She said that she hasn’t taken a 2 week vacation in 7 years. So she really deserves this one. (Gee, I hope it isn’t anything I’ve done.)

Ok, there it is. I am starting to feel it now. That feeling that I want to call, but don’t feel that it’s important enough to call. I don’t want to bother her, but I am missing her. I HATE THIS!!! I am really starting to dread next week too. This is going to really suck! :tears:

Hi JM,

Glad it was a good session. I can understand why realizing you have only one more session before a two week break could be kind of stressful (can you say "understatement?" ) And I think its really great that you are appreciative of your T deserving the vacation, but you being stressed about her being gone doesn't mean you're trying to ruin her vacation, it just means that you're going to have (very reasonably, I might add) a tough time with her absence. I also know you'll make it, you're a lot stronger and more stable than you realize and/or feel when you're missing your T. It will be ok. And if nothing else, you'll get the CD out of it! Almost worth it (notice I said almost!).

CALL HER RIGHT NOW! You are anticipating her absence and it's scaring you (it would me!) and you're going to spend a lot of time being miserable and trying to talk yourself out of it when what you really need is just some reassuracnce from your T. For heaven's sake,the phone call will only take a few minutes. And considering the prep your T is going to about her absence, she'll totally understand your need to call.

(And yes, you have my permission to throw this post IN MY FACE the next time I'm agonizing over calling my T. It is SO much clearer and easier when you're not the one dealing with it.)

AG

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
...(And yes, you have my permission to throw this post IN MY FACE the next time I'm agonizing over calling my T. It is SO much clearer and easier when you're not the one dealing with it.)

Oh yes, I'm definitely filing this one away for later! (te he he)

BTW: I called her and I feel all better (for now.) Did I mention I will probably sleep with the CD?

JM

Let's see I am going on 48hrs now and I really "wanna be sedated!" Not enough to call though. I am not to that place yet that I start thinking about it constantly. That is usually what bugs me enough to finally do it. (Call my T I mean, not "get sedated.")

This August right after I started posting here, my T was gone for two weeks. It was bad timing too because she was gone for what I think I called at the time in a post a "landmark day." What that was was my birthday. For about 2 years I've been struggling with the decision about whether or not we should have another child. At my birthday last year I gave myself a year to do everything I could to get to a place where having another baby would be possible. And over the year I pondered, negotiated, investigated, went to appointments, talked to a lot of people like my family, my T, my husband, and my doc but by mid-July this year I was starting to see that the best decision for my little family trio would be to not make it a foursome.

So, my birthday this year was the deadline and also the first day of dealing with my unhappiness about having to give this up. I think I found out about three weeks before that my T would be gone. We had talked about this issue so much. She knew all the details and understood and supported the decision. (Not everyone got it, my friends didn't see why I didn't just "go for it" but they weren't privy to all of the obstacles I and my husband faced.) Needless to say I felt pretty abandoned but what could be done? I got through it the best I could by posting here and keeping myself insanely busy with two summer school classes. Of course I was angry and I tried to get all of that out when I saw her again. But it isn't gone. The grief of the decision nor the question of will she be there the next time I really need her. Who knows? The boundaries dictate that I don't have any claim on her or her time beyond what is mutually agreed on between us. She has tried in the past to help me see our relationship as side-by-side but I have a hard time seeing any equality in it as long as I need her more than she needs me.

She has, more than once, apologized profusely, I can tell that she did really want to be there for me.

I wish I had thought of the CD. That would have been great. I almost asked if I could borrow a pillow from her office while she was gone but felt way too embarrassed. I definitely would have slept with that! Be careful JM, a CD case could poke your eye out.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
JM,
You mean that sickening feeling that you've finally made it through the endless wait that has been so difficult that you forgot that what you're waiting for is only an hour? Naw, I have no idea what you're talking about.

What's even weirder is that although I dying to get there, sometimes the last 24 hours before the appointment I start getting really scared about going. Very confusing.

AG

I always wonder why that happens too... lolol....

I went through that last friday... I REALLY needed to get back to therapy b/c i was so just so freaked out with triggers and dissociation issues.. than when I got there it was like... umm.,.,, I dorta kinda dont want to be here now... and why did I REALLY need to see her that badly? and now frankly i feel worse so what was the point? LOL....

Hey River! I missed you!

48 hours huh? Hopefully now that it is even longer than that you will be starting the leveling out phase. (Is there really a leveling out phase?) If you’re like me, you have to feel justified to call your T. It has to be something more significant than just your longing or desire to hear her voice before you call her. I was riding that wave again yesterday and I finally gave in and just said on her v.m. “OK I am frustrated that I can’t get through the day w/o wanting to call you. I have nothing major happening with me, but I just want to hear from you that and that it’s ok.” She returned my call a short time later and reassured me that it was ok. I don’t know I seem to think about it constantly anyway, so maybe I’m just stuck there in auto-pilot and I don’t offer myself enough distractions. But even when I am busy doing other things it is always swirling in the back of my mind.

Wow, that was a real difficult decision you had to struggle with and it is understandable why you would still be struggling with it even now that the decision is made. Maternal desires are very powerful. But I respect you and commend you for making the decision that you and your husband felt was best for the family even though it is such a personally difficult one that still causes so much grief. That is a far greater love and sacrifice than giving into such a strong & natural urge that many do not understand. And I can certainly understand why you felt abandoned by your T during that “landmark day” and how it might warp your sense of trust that she will be there for you the next time you really need her to be. That is huge and I’ve had to deal with that very personally and tragically. We expect that they won’t be there for the next big event because our parents weren’t and so any indication to justify that expectation real or imagined, slight or major, will backlash into the “reality that we hold on to.”

The trick is to find what you know to be true about your T. Even though she could not be there physically, you can know that you were on her mind and that she WAS there in your heart. Perhaps that is where the smaller needs of wanting to call her and doing so before it becomes a constant nagging feeling and allowing her to reach back letting you know it is ok, will help build the trust you need to believe that she will be there for the next time you really need her. My T always says that she wishes for her clients (and her children) to know that she is always present right there with them even if not physically. She has told me that she wants me to carry her with me and to draw from that. That is why I like that poem by ee cummings so well, “I carry you with me I carry you in my heart.” I think that reflects where our T’s need to be. But we tend to fight it. Your T’s frequent & profuse apologies are proof that her heart was there for you and with you during your difficult time and that you are definitely in hers. It certainly sounds like she deserves your trust River.

A thought just occurred to me: (really that does happen on occasion) Here I am worrying about not seeing my T for 2 weeks, while both of her children live hundreds of miles away from her and only see her every other month or so when she goes to visit. Somehow they manage to deal without her strong maternal presence on a regular basis and yet I am left in a dizzying emotional state of anxiety on a week by week basis. Kinda funny isn’t it?

BTW: Thanks for the warning on the sharp CD case edges. I will take that into consideration.
Note to self- *Must find CD Pillow Case*

JM

Oh yea, I just thought of something else I wanted to say in regards to your wanting to take one of her pillows home with you. My T said again yesterday (as she has before) that some of her clients take one of her stones with them to hang onto. She has this dish of smooth stones on her end table and I think she was trying to convince me to take one, but I would not allow that. However, I think I am going to take one next week. I also have her business cards I never throw away and strategically placed here and there and also in my wallet.
Maybe you SHOULD ask for something like that. She may not part with a pillow, but she might offer you something else tangible.

BW,
I really think that feeling of wanting to go but then not wanting to go when it gets close is a sign of our ambivalance about getting close to someone. We should want to get close and have connection, human beings need that to be healthy. But when getting close always meant getting hurt, you can understand why you might shy away from it. When its far enough away its ok to want it but as it draws in close, then it feels scary.

My T and talked about it once and he found it totally understandable so I guess we're normal.

And I HATE sessions when you leave feeling worse...

Its really good to be hearing from you again!

AG

River,
I remember you talking about a significant day back when it happened. Thanks for telling us about it. I'm so sorry, that is a really difficult decision to make. I know that it took my husband and I five years after our youngest was born to decide not to have any more kids. Mainly, because I don't do to well emotionally for the first few months after I give birth. I just couldn't face going through it again. I have a deep respect for decision you made and how difficult it was to decide. I think you made the right decision fwiw but I can only imagine how painful it must have been. Then to have to face it without your T who might have felt like the only one who really understood just what the decision cost you to make. I know that your T didn't abandon you, but I can really understand why it would have felt that way. Your anger and grief are both understandable. I hope that you'll be able to continue working through them and you're feelings about your T. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.

AG

Thank you JM & AG for your care and support.

This weekend I went to my 5th (and last) baby shower this year. I am the only one of my friends to have an only child. A good friend of mine was there and she knew it was hard and she was really supportive. Just that alone made going to the shower completely worthwhile.

Some of this came up in my session tonight but I know I am not done dealing with it yet.

I am now on hour 2 of my 24hr post-T trauma. At least I will get to sleep through hours 3-9. Well I hope I do, I've been having insomnia lately. I'll wake up at 2 or 3am and since I have to get up at 4am anyway it pretty much means the end of any REM sleep for the night. (Insert yawning emoticon here.)

I had one of those I-hope-this-never-happens moments today. As I was approaching my T's building, out of the door comes someone I know! After saying "hi" and all of that she dared ask me who I was coming to see! Well I told her, hoping to high-heaven that she didn't see my T too, and thank goodness she was there to see someone else. The idea of sharing my T with anyone is unpleasant but even worse would be to share her with someone I know whom I see on a regular basis! I hope I don't run into her EVERY WEEK! I guess I'll try to not arrive so early for my appts from now on.

(((JM gives River a 24-48 hour T-trauma hug)))

I am so glad that person you know is not seeing YOUR T too. I can totally get the feelings that provokes. I have a strong sense of jealousy and possession for my T. She was recommended to me by my friend who is a therapist who also recommends her to many others that we know in common, so my fear is running into someone there or someone having the audacity to tell me they are seeing my T too and wanting to compare notes. I would totally not engage in any sort of conversation with a client/former client about my T. Someone I know casually used to see my T before me and said something to the effect that "She (my T) used to drive me crazy." The look on my face must have spoke volumes to the degree that she went somewhere she ought not and then she back paddled and said, "But I'm glad you like her." All the while I just glared at her.

There is a sense of privacy invasion in running into someone you know in your T-zone. UGH!

Tomorrow is my last session with my T. She is leaving Thursday and does not have any appointments left. At least I tried.

Hi River,
Knowing someone else who sees your T can be really difficult. Years ago, when I was still seeing my first T, a very dear friend of mine was looking for a T and I recommended mine, so she started seeing her too. I wasn't having the kind of intensity around my feelings about my first T (although she was and is very important to me. I still really miss her.) so that didn't bother me too much. The problem came up when a few years later, this friend (who I considered to be one of my very closest friends) decided to end our relationship with a note. Actually, she was RSVPing to an invitation to a 10th wedding anniversary party my husband and I were having (we were renewing our vows) and after she told me she couldn't make it, she told me she needed to take a break, for an unspecified time, from our relationship and she hoped I would understand. I've never gotten an explanation for why and aside from running into her at the library once, we've never spoken again. The day I got that note from her was the only emergency call I ever made to my first T in 17+ years. There was a combination of fear that I was going to lose my therapist too since my friend was leaving. and although I did understand the ethical issues, there was a deep feeling of betrayal because for all I knew my T had agreed with my friend's decision to end our relationship althought she was quite aware of how devastating it would be for me. We actually spent a session discussing if we would continue to work together (we did for a number of years, mainly because I already really trusted her and trusted that she could keep both our good interest in mind). It was a really difficult time and not a lot of fun. So I'm glad you're friend isn't seeing your T.

And funny enough, I remember having a conversation with that friend when we were both seeing my T about how sad I was that I couldn't be friends with our T. Her reply was a little scornful that of course she didn't feel that way she needed her too badly as her therapist. Hmm, that should have clued me in. It's always stuck with me as a very insensitive reply. Wow, I haven't thought about all this in a long time (this happened 13 years ago). And it's fine now, I've gotten over it except to occassionally wonder how she's doing and it still sometimes bugs me that I don't know why the friendship ended. But I had other friends who came alongside me and helped me get through it.

But, as you can imagine, I'm really careful now before I recommend my therapist to anyone.

AG

I haven't told anyone except hubby my T's name. I don't want to find out if anyone I know sees her, has seen her or knows her. I've already had that one thing happen when I found out that her kid and my friend's kid were BFFs. I really didn't like that. So, no I haven't referred her to anyone yet. Maybe after I'm done then I probably will.

Here I go; my last appointment w/ my T for 3 whole weeks! So I am already anticipating the twenty four hour withdrawals of the most horrible nature. (I think that comes to 504 hours-correct me if I am wrong.)

I will be needing a lot of support from everyone here. If I haven’t already been too much of a nuisance to you, I sure hope that I won’t start, but I am afraid I am going to be a very needy little girl.

JM,
Hope it goes well. I know you have to be bouncing off the walls but try and take in your T as much as you can. You need to see clearly all her care and concern for you so you'll be able to trust more that she's not abandoning you and she's coming back.

You have all the support you need, and if you mention being a nuisance again, I'm going to have to produce a new plug-in for the web that allows you to smack someone using HTML! Cut that out!

And there's nothing wrong with being a needy little girl. Around here, you're in good company! (Sorry Scott and Antoni! But you know what I mean! )

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you can handle this and you will get through it.

AG

Going on 48hrs+ this week. Not such a good week. I've been so blocked lately. I haven't been able to get out any of the stuff swimming around inside. My T suggested maybe I write it down and see if that is easier. I've been trying all day and nope that isn't working either. So I am going to take a break for a spell and just not think about it. Wish I could stop thinking about T too.

Sometimes I find a good walk will open up the clogged feelings. I am going to take my dog to the park this morning and spend as much time there as I can. I usually walk with a friend, but I feel like I need to be alone with my feelings today. My friend will try to help w/ her "look on the bright side" lecture, but I just need some time to process and feel what I am feeling.

Hi River,
Have you ever tried any mindfulness techniques? I sometimes find it helpful when I'm struggling with letting my feelings closer to find someplace quiet where you won't be disturbed (easier said than done with a little one around I know) and then just breath normally but just focus on your breathing, how it feels going in and going out. As your mind drifts, just keep pulling it back to paying attention to your breathing but without trying to control it. The other part of it is as the emotions come up notice them and how you feel and even how you feel about the way you feel but try to just accept the feelings and not judge yourself for how you're feeling. Just go on the premise that HOWEVER you're feeling, its ok and acceptable. It's a lot harder than it sounds, I know, but it can help me when I'm struggling to figure out how I'm feeling. Mainly because I get extremely judgemental about my feelings and if I can suspend that part of myself there's more chance I can experience them. I hope this helps, I know how frustrating that can feel.

AG

JM,
I think a good walk is a good idea. What's even better is realizing that you need to be alone and giving yourself permission to be alone.

And thank you, but now I have Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life," running through my head (helped my the fact that we saw Spam-a-lot on Sunday). Do how annoying it is to hear that stupid whistle over and over?
Smack your friend for me! I know I'm joking but people can really do you a disservice by telling you to look on the positive side. Yes, that can be important but its just as important to give yourself the permission to experience whatever feelings your experiencing. And missing your T doesn't feel like its got a bright side and that's alright.

AG

quote:

Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life,"

Well, in THAT context its funny as hell. Who doesn't love Monty Python!

http://www.mwscomp.com/sounds/mp3/brghtsd.mp3

JM,
Do you really think that link helped the problem! Don't make me start singing "It's a small world."



AG

Well, "Look on the bright side" AG, at least it wasn't Barney's I love you, you love me song.

AAAAHHHHH, not Barney!!!

The only way my husband and I used to be able to get through that show was that you got to pick the child in the show you most wanted to smack at the end. Which, almost invariably, turned out to be Michael. You win, there are worse songs!

So after 72+ hours I finally called my T yesterday to see if she had an opening for today and thankfully she did. After three days of feeling like crap I finally found one of the sources of my nervousness I've been experiencing during our sessions and it was very helpful to not only connect with her but to be able to talk this through. So now I am having one of those ahhh... now that's better.... type of reactions. Much much better than the usual "how many more hours to go?"

The thing I wanted to talk about was that I've been generally fuzzy on the exact rules. Some obvious one's I've got but there were some I've always not been so confident about like when I can call and how often. I hate calling because I worry about annoying her and hitting some boundary and getting in trouble. I don't even want to get close to breaking the rules so I finally just sat down and asked. I think it was the most she has talked during a session besides our first one! Anyway, understanding the rules more, is making me more confident in our relationship cuz now I have a much better idea of what I can ask for and what I can expect to depend on her for. I guess AG is right. That when you start feeling worse it usually means you are heading for a breakthrough.

River,
Glad to hear you're feeling better! And I am so impressed that your asked your T about the boundaries around calling, that can be pretty scary. And it sounds like you had a great talk. Clarity in the boundaries definitely makes therapy feel a lot safer and its easier to navigate.

And all those years of therapy? I occasionally have to get SOMETHING right.

And you feel better because you went and did the work. So go you!

AG

I had an intense but ultimately really good appt with my T on Tuesday. We dealt with the last of the hug debacle (as in not being able to get one from him). I really appreciated that he has been really clear about his reasons while being completely understanding of my feelings. I'm continuing to process a lot of feelings and grief from my childhood and it feels like a lot of healing is taking place for which I'm really grateful.

I'm finding that I'm able to stay in the room more now (I have a tendency to close my eyes and pull inward when the feelings get intense. That helps to protect me but it also limits my ability to experience the comfort and presence of my T) and its making a difference in how connected I feel. We really connected well, and it just felt like a really good flow. We also laughed alot which was wonderful. I left feeling very secure and connected and I'm still there almost 24 hours later. Feels really good. Not sure how long it will last this time but I plan on enjoying it as long as it does.

I still want a T-shirt though.

AG