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Hi Caeti723,
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It sounds very very difficult. As hard as it is, I have found in those situations, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to focus on you (not easy). Anything you can do to help feel just a little comfort and peace? (long walks, warm bath, meditating, etc - try to find something that works for you) Also, have you ever looked into support groups? One that my therapist recommended to me was a 'women in transitions' group. It may feel too overwhelming right now, but when things settle down a bit maybe you could try to find a P or T that would be a better fit for you? I hope you can be especially gentle and kind to yourself right now.
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It sounds very very difficult. As hard as it is, I have found in those situations, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to focus on you (not easy). Anything you can do to help feel just a little comfort and peace? (long walks, warm bath, meditating, etc - try to find something that works for you) Also, have you ever looked into support groups? One that my therapist recommended to me was a 'women in transitions' group. It may feel too overwhelming right now, but when things settle down a bit maybe you could try to find a P or T that would be a better fit for you? I hope you can be especially gentle and kind to yourself right now.
Caeti, I read your recent posts. Looks like thing are really difficult now... the hospital, medication, boyfriend...
How are things with the old T going? You are saying that he is being helpful. You do need somebody helpful right now and I don't think it's a poor choice of you going to see him while having "these" feelings. Is he understanding about your feelings?
Well, I hope you will find more then romantic connection to him, I'm sure it is to be done. For me the romantic sort of connection/feelings are the ones that I quite sucessfully dodge in my therapy. Take care... good to see you around
How are things with the old T going? You are saying that he is being helpful. You do need somebody helpful right now and I don't think it's a poor choice of you going to see him while having "these" feelings. Is he understanding about your feelings?
Well, I hope you will find more then romantic connection to him, I'm sure it is to be done. For me the romantic sort of connection/feelings are the ones that I quite sucessfully dodge in my therapy. Take care... good to see you around
Caeti just wanted to say how sorry I feel for your situation. You sound very strong and determined and that makes me think you somehow will find the support you need right now. I really hope so anyway, and I also hope that your meeting with old T on Wednesday goes really well.
Caeti I so hear your pain. I can’t begin to imagine how much torture it must be for you not only to have that rug pulled from under you but to have to be in the same house with him as well. Sorry the very thought of what you are going through makes me cringe because I go absolutely to pieces at a breakup - and you’ve got so much else happening as well.
Do you think it would help to talk more about it here? At least to get out some of the bad feelings knowing people here are going to be sympathetic and supportive, instead of having to deal with them on your own inside your head. Just a thought :hug:
Do you think it would help to talk more about it here? At least to get out some of the bad feelings knowing people here are going to be sympathetic and supportive, instead of having to deal with them on your own inside your head. Just a thought :hug:
Hi again Caeti
I’m sorry I didn’t see your post until tonight. I hope you got through this last day ok.
How did your meeting with your P go? Did you get support and understanding? I hope so. I also hope she is helping you deal with feeling so angry (and I don’t mean by working to ‘get rid of it’ either).
I know it’s not funny at all and that you are having problems with feelings of rage but I did smile when you said you’d poured water into his hard drive - it reminded me of stories recently about a wife cutting up all her husband’s expensive clothes. For some reason I always feel good when I hear about women acting out what’s considered to be ‘destructive’ rage - it’s because I’d love to be able to let go like that and to hell with what everyone, society and the morally virtuous think.
But of course then there’s the aftermath - and in your case I guess your boyfriend doesn’t know how to handle your anger. To be honest I don’t think there’s many people in the world who know how to deal effectively with someone else’s anger, that’s an emotion we’re all supposed to somehow miraculously learn to ‘control’ ‘redirect’ ‘channel into more positive activities’ and ultimately ‘get rid of’. Makes me angry just thinking about those things
I have to admit I’m the world’s worst case when it comes to dealing with the break up of a relationship. I have never found a way of dealing with it and the way it makes me feel borders so much on the traumatic that over the years I just became more and more scared of rejection knowing that I didn’t have the ability to cope with it. In retrospect however I think there are some things that had I known to do, would have helped. Mostly I wish I’d been able to talk about how I felt - all the gruesome mucky icky shameful pathetic things I felt and thought, especially about myself. If I’d had someone who could have listened to me without the usual hearty attempts at ‘help’ (oh you’ll get over it, plenty more fish in the sea, we all want love don’t worry you’ll find someone else, it’s not your fault etc etc) and without feeling that I was making whoever listened to me start squirming in embarrassment and shame at what I would have liked to say - and if I’d been able to express all the frustration and rage as well - that would have helped me.
But in the event I never talked to anyone like that, and I’m not even sure there was anyone I knew who would have listened either. I don’t know if you have any friends who could do that for you, I do hope so - but in any event, keep talking here - I for one will listen, and I want to know how you’re doing.
I’m sorry I didn’t see your post until tonight. I hope you got through this last day ok.
How did your meeting with your P go? Did you get support and understanding? I hope so. I also hope she is helping you deal with feeling so angry (and I don’t mean by working to ‘get rid of it’ either).
I know it’s not funny at all and that you are having problems with feelings of rage but I did smile when you said you’d poured water into his hard drive - it reminded me of stories recently about a wife cutting up all her husband’s expensive clothes. For some reason I always feel good when I hear about women acting out what’s considered to be ‘destructive’ rage - it’s because I’d love to be able to let go like that and to hell with what everyone, society and the morally virtuous think.
But of course then there’s the aftermath - and in your case I guess your boyfriend doesn’t know how to handle your anger. To be honest I don’t think there’s many people in the world who know how to deal effectively with someone else’s anger, that’s an emotion we’re all supposed to somehow miraculously learn to ‘control’ ‘redirect’ ‘channel into more positive activities’ and ultimately ‘get rid of’. Makes me angry just thinking about those things
I have to admit I’m the world’s worst case when it comes to dealing with the break up of a relationship. I have never found a way of dealing with it and the way it makes me feel borders so much on the traumatic that over the years I just became more and more scared of rejection knowing that I didn’t have the ability to cope with it. In retrospect however I think there are some things that had I known to do, would have helped. Mostly I wish I’d been able to talk about how I felt - all the gruesome mucky icky shameful pathetic things I felt and thought, especially about myself. If I’d had someone who could have listened to me without the usual hearty attempts at ‘help’ (oh you’ll get over it, plenty more fish in the sea, we all want love don’t worry you’ll find someone else, it’s not your fault etc etc) and without feeling that I was making whoever listened to me start squirming in embarrassment and shame at what I would have liked to say - and if I’d been able to express all the frustration and rage as well - that would have helped me.
But in the event I never talked to anyone like that, and I’m not even sure there was anyone I knew who would have listened either. I don’t know if you have any friends who could do that for you, I do hope so - but in any event, keep talking here - I for one will listen, and I want to know how you’re doing.
Caeti thanks so much for what you said in your reply (selfishly admit that it made me feel good - and guilty and all sorts of other ant-me things :sigh: )
Sure I’d be happy to talk with you outside of these public posts - in fact there is a system of private messaging on here, maybe we could use that? My only reservation (as Blackbird has pointed out) is that then your valuable experiences of what you’re going through aren’t accessible to other members and people would miss out on hearing about you. On the other hand I guess also that this forum is more or less about experiences with counselling and therapy and that makes it difficult to post about things that aren’t strictly to do with therapy. Don’t know what anyone else thinks. So yeah I’d love to hear from you directly.
Snap. That’s exactly how I felt in times when I did talk to anyone about a breakup - that I was getting platitudes and that the other person not only didn’t get just how bad I was feeling but that they didn’t actually WANT to know and the things they were saying I experienced as invalidating and negating me - that I was supposed to feel better because of their solicitude and kind words and on top of that be grateful for their kindness. Grr in retrospect I realize it made me angry on top of all the terrible other feelings I was experiencing.
I LOVE what you said about hearing
That is so positive, tells me you have a sense of who you are and are willing to be you regardless of the negative messages. And rage (passion yeah I like that connection) is so self affirming even if it does bring with it a whole heap of negative consequences.
I do hope that your boyfriend will get to understand just how much the breakup means to you - I like the way you can articulate that wrecking his computer was a way of getting him to experience how he has made you experience yourself. Yeah I really like that, it’s never occurred to me that that’s a big part of anger - it’s actually a way of trying to get someone to experience for themselves just how bad they have made me feel. Hm you’ve given me something to think about there. Thanks!
I’m glad the session with your P went ok. It sounds as if she was giving you advice (which I expect you wanted anyway.) I just wondered if you talk to her about how you feel about things as well? The obvious thing to pick up on would be the connection between your feelings of rage and the way your father expressed his anger. I don’t know anything about your relationship with your P so forgive me if I’m asking really stupid or obvious questions.
Anyway that’s another day you’ve gotten through, each day survived is another day further away from the source of the pain - I really hope you start to feel less overwhelmed very soon.
Sure I’d be happy to talk with you outside of these public posts - in fact there is a system of private messaging on here, maybe we could use that? My only reservation (as Blackbird has pointed out) is that then your valuable experiences of what you’re going through aren’t accessible to other members and people would miss out on hearing about you. On the other hand I guess also that this forum is more or less about experiences with counselling and therapy and that makes it difficult to post about things that aren’t strictly to do with therapy. Don’t know what anyone else thinks. So yeah I’d love to hear from you directly.
quote:not to downgrade anyone but sometimes when I'm at my lowest I'll belittle others' help since what they're saying is too easily thought up to act as some band aid.
Snap. That’s exactly how I felt in times when I did talk to anyone about a breakup - that I was getting platitudes and that the other person not only didn’t get just how bad I was feeling but that they didn’t actually WANT to know and the things they were saying I experienced as invalidating and negating me - that I was supposed to feel better because of their solicitude and kind words and on top of that be grateful for their kindness. Grr in retrospect I realize it made me angry on top of all the terrible other feelings I was experiencing.
I LOVE what you said about hearing
quote:the voice of my old case manager saying, "just be you". Me is someone who acts out, who is passionate enough to get there.
That is so positive, tells me you have a sense of who you are and are willing to be you regardless of the negative messages. And rage (passion yeah I like that connection) is so self affirming even if it does bring with it a whole heap of negative consequences.
I do hope that your boyfriend will get to understand just how much the breakup means to you - I like the way you can articulate that wrecking his computer was a way of getting him to experience how he has made you experience yourself. Yeah I really like that, it’s never occurred to me that that’s a big part of anger - it’s actually a way of trying to get someone to experience for themselves just how bad they have made me feel. Hm you’ve given me something to think about there. Thanks!
I’m glad the session with your P went ok. It sounds as if she was giving you advice (which I expect you wanted anyway.) I just wondered if you talk to her about how you feel about things as well? The obvious thing to pick up on would be the connection between your feelings of rage and the way your father expressed his anger. I don’t know anything about your relationship with your P so forgive me if I’m asking really stupid or obvious questions.
Anyway that’s another day you’ve gotten through, each day survived is another day further away from the source of the pain - I really hope you start to feel less overwhelmed very soon.
Blackbird big hugs to you. You say such nice things about me and that makes me feel good. Thank you!
Hi there Caeti
You know the good thing about still living with your boyfriend is that you have the opportunity to talk to him, even if it’s pretty frosty. It certainly sounds as if he’s not cutting you dead or being really hostile towards you if he’s agreed to go on that bike ride. Yeah I agree if you try and push him, especially this early on in the piece, chances are you might only alienate him. Being friends sounds like a good way to go at the moment.
I’ve taken your email address, will write soon.
You know the good thing about still living with your boyfriend is that you have the opportunity to talk to him, even if it’s pretty frosty. It certainly sounds as if he’s not cutting you dead or being really hostile towards you if he’s agreed to go on that bike ride. Yeah I agree if you try and push him, especially this early on in the piece, chances are you might only alienate him. Being friends sounds like a good way to go at the moment.
I’ve taken your email address, will write soon.
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