.
Original Post
Replies sorted oldest to newest
Hi UV,
I'm fortunate that I have had a job through this whole economic downturn, and my job is relatively secure, for what that's worth these days, despite the fact that many days when I feel awful, I don't do a hell of a lot when I'm there.
Well I can say that you're not a burden to at least one person. In fact, your feedback to me here has been extremely valuable. And I'm guessing that like me, your parents were the burden to *you,* not the other way around.
This morning I woke up and had a clearer sense of how disconnected I was from my family growing up. My father was a sneering, dismissive, distant a-hole and my mother never had the guts to stand up for me when he was a bastard to me (and her). I have three older sisters, and I was never really allowed to be part of their world, either. The result of all this? I was never, ever made to feel connected, and therefore, to feel safe in the world, which is probably why I live with this wretched head fog of fear every day now.
I wonder if you also felt totally disconnected and un-safe in the world growing up? If so, then we're both going through similar rough times trying to sort it all out so we can live actual lives.
I don't know if you have ever grieved for what you never got as a child, but I'm starting to think I need to in order to move on. I'm really starting to think there's a kid in there who's got a whole world of hurt to feel but is deathly afraid to come out and feel it.
Problem is, it's easier said than done if you've never grieved before. I'd like to hear what your experience is with this.
Russ
I'm fortunate that I have had a job through this whole economic downturn, and my job is relatively secure, for what that's worth these days, despite the fact that many days when I feel awful, I don't do a hell of a lot when I'm there.
quote:But now feeling like being a burden to the world...
Well I can say that you're not a burden to at least one person. In fact, your feedback to me here has been extremely valuable. And I'm guessing that like me, your parents were the burden to *you,* not the other way around.
This morning I woke up and had a clearer sense of how disconnected I was from my family growing up. My father was a sneering, dismissive, distant a-hole and my mother never had the guts to stand up for me when he was a bastard to me (and her). I have three older sisters, and I was never really allowed to be part of their world, either. The result of all this? I was never, ever made to feel connected, and therefore, to feel safe in the world, which is probably why I live with this wretched head fog of fear every day now.
I wonder if you also felt totally disconnected and un-safe in the world growing up? If so, then we're both going through similar rough times trying to sort it all out so we can live actual lives.
I don't know if you have ever grieved for what you never got as a child, but I'm starting to think I need to in order to move on. I'm really starting to think there's a kid in there who's got a whole world of hurt to feel but is deathly afraid to come out and feel it.
Problem is, it's easier said than done if you've never grieved before. I'd like to hear what your experience is with this.
Russ
Hi UV, I'm sorry you are feeling so isolated these days. There is much to be said for collectivist cultures where the group takes care of each other and watches for each other. There was a bit of that when I was growing up in that the neighborhood was pretty tight and I had a good size extended family. I credit these things for helping me survive my childhood as well as I did. It could have been worse if I was more isolated. But sometimes I can be with a group of people somewhere and still feel a sense of isolation (or is it lonliness?) inside of me. It's a deep place that no one can touch except maybe my T on occassion. There's a lot of pain there too. I'm not sure what the answer is because going out and being with people can still leave me in that isolated place unless I'm in the mood to socialize. I'm glad you are coming here to this group to talk.
Russ, there is no doubt that what we didn't have in our childhoods must be faced, grieved and put to rest somewhere inside of us... or maybe that should be "let go" so we can have the space inside of ourselves to fill up with good and happy things. My case was the opposite of yours, my mom abused me and my dad stood around and allowed it to happen because he was cowed by her anger himself. Sometimes I think he was relieved when she was abusing me because it took the heat off of him. That is a horrible thing to feel but I do believe it. I've been trying to grieve this betrayal, neglect and abuse for a few years now with my T but we seem to get sidetracked by other stuff that also comes up. And so much of this is the stuff that feeds the anxiety we must deal with.
I'm sorry you have to feel that head fog but i do hope with your Ts help that you can do the grieving and the letting go so you can live a better life.
Hugs
TN
Russ, there is no doubt that what we didn't have in our childhoods must be faced, grieved and put to rest somewhere inside of us... or maybe that should be "let go" so we can have the space inside of ourselves to fill up with good and happy things. My case was the opposite of yours, my mom abused me and my dad stood around and allowed it to happen because he was cowed by her anger himself. Sometimes I think he was relieved when she was abusing me because it took the heat off of him. That is a horrible thing to feel but I do believe it. I've been trying to grieve this betrayal, neglect and abuse for a few years now with my T but we seem to get sidetracked by other stuff that also comes up. And so much of this is the stuff that feeds the anxiety we must deal with.
I'm sorry you have to feel that head fog but i do hope with your Ts help that you can do the grieving and the letting go so you can live a better life.
Hugs
TN
UV,
I'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now. I can't imagine having to deal with the emotional stuff you're dealing with while trying to handle life, money, etc. Although I'm glad to hear you feel safe with your T. I can't seem to feel safe anywhere at anytime at the moment.
I'm glad you changed the title of the post, because that seems to be really what you're getting at here. I think I am, too. Once again, I'm up at dawn after sleeping poorly and having bad dreams of threatening people (at least in the dream I had last night, I defended myself).
But as I'm sitting here in the early morning hours, I'm again starting to sense just how alone and frightened I was as a child because no one connected with me. For the first time ever this morning, I imagined myself telling my father that he scares me. He scared me 40 years ago when I was a child, and he scares me now. And as I said before, my mother never stepped in to help me, so I'm getting a better sense as to why things have played out like they have for me. How on earth can a person truly grow into a healthy adult when they never felt safe with their parents?
As for getting angry at my T, yes, it happens almost weekly. It's still hard for me, but I do it anyway. And the truth is, even my T scares me, but I must also know that he won't react badly when I'm angry at him, otherwise I'd never express it. Being angry at my T is helpful, and he's very good at making it helpful by looking at it for what it is...and it's always about what I never got.
You may even want to talk about this with your T. Ask him if it's OK and safe to get really angry at him. Tell him you're scared that he won't be able to contain your anger and that he'll abandon you (if this is how you feel...which is how I felt). You can learn to trust that it's OK to get angry with him.
Yeah, there's probably never a great time to grieve your childhood. In talking with my T last night about this topic, he said you need certain conditions in order to grieve, including having been able to do it before with the accompaniment of another person. I've never had that. He said, unfortunately, in my case, I need to "go get it myself" by talking directly to my parents and telling them that I never felt safe and why. Luckily, both of my parents are still alive and more than willing to talk with me, so I plan on doing this in the next couple of weeks, despite really not wanting to.
So I hope you're able to get some support from your T about everything you're going through, UV. And I hope you can talk to him some more about your anger. I think it's a very important thing to experience and work through.
Russ
I'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now. I can't imagine having to deal with the emotional stuff you're dealing with while trying to handle life, money, etc. Although I'm glad to hear you feel safe with your T. I can't seem to feel safe anywhere at anytime at the moment.
I'm glad you changed the title of the post, because that seems to be really what you're getting at here. I think I am, too. Once again, I'm up at dawn after sleeping poorly and having bad dreams of threatening people (at least in the dream I had last night, I defended myself).
But as I'm sitting here in the early morning hours, I'm again starting to sense just how alone and frightened I was as a child because no one connected with me. For the first time ever this morning, I imagined myself telling my father that he scares me. He scared me 40 years ago when I was a child, and he scares me now. And as I said before, my mother never stepped in to help me, so I'm getting a better sense as to why things have played out like they have for me. How on earth can a person truly grow into a healthy adult when they never felt safe with their parents?
As for getting angry at my T, yes, it happens almost weekly. It's still hard for me, but I do it anyway. And the truth is, even my T scares me, but I must also know that he won't react badly when I'm angry at him, otherwise I'd never express it. Being angry at my T is helpful, and he's very good at making it helpful by looking at it for what it is...and it's always about what I never got.
You may even want to talk about this with your T. Ask him if it's OK and safe to get really angry at him. Tell him you're scared that he won't be able to contain your anger and that he'll abandon you (if this is how you feel...which is how I felt). You can learn to trust that it's OK to get angry with him.
Yeah, there's probably never a great time to grieve your childhood. In talking with my T last night about this topic, he said you need certain conditions in order to grieve, including having been able to do it before with the accompaniment of another person. I've never had that. He said, unfortunately, in my case, I need to "go get it myself" by talking directly to my parents and telling them that I never felt safe and why. Luckily, both of my parents are still alive and more than willing to talk with me, so I plan on doing this in the next couple of weeks, despite really not wanting to.
So I hope you're able to get some support from your T about everything you're going through, UV. And I hope you can talk to him some more about your anger. I think it's a very important thing to experience and work through.
Russ
uv, what you are writing is so good. i am on a parellel course, and as you mentioned earlier about denial, that is a hard one, as sometimes all this emotional and psychological neglect feels like i am crying because i didn't get a bike for my seventh birthday!
yes, grieving it is hard, you feel like you are feeling sorry for yourself and others have it so much worse. all i can say, is you are moving across the field. and what you are contributing to those of us along the path with you is so helpful.
massive hugs your way, uv, it is a scary place at times, i have kids too, and i know the fear of doing the same to them with this self absorbtion. someone on the board said this and i liked it, 'they know their kids will need less therapy than we do'...we are doing the best we can, and the hugs and love we give our kids does SO MUCH for them, just think how different we would feel if we would have had that ONE element!!! y'no?? he will be ok, just keep swinging!! xxoo jill
yes, grieving it is hard, you feel like you are feeling sorry for yourself and others have it so much worse. all i can say, is you are moving across the field. and what you are contributing to those of us along the path with you is so helpful.
massive hugs your way, uv, it is a scary place at times, i have kids too, and i know the fear of doing the same to them with this self absorbtion. someone on the board said this and i liked it, 'they know their kids will need less therapy than we do'...we are doing the best we can, and the hugs and love we give our kids does SO MUCH for them, just think how different we would feel if we would have had that ONE element!!! y'no?? he will be ok, just keep swinging!! xxoo jill
Hi UV
I'm very new here and waiting for my first session with a recommended T. The title of this post really spoke to me...
I have only just started to acknowledge that my childhood was completely 'wrong'. Intellectual understanding is of course, nowhere near actually dealing with it emotionally, though, which I hope a T will be able to help with. I never felt part, of anything, always felt off to one side, my mother never congratulated me on anything without condition - 'that was ok, but next you could do X to do better' or even worse 'that wasn't as good as it could have been' etc. There was never any proper warmth, no hugs, no discussion about anything. My chldohhod was full of 'no', 'mind your manners', 'behave yourself' and smacks on the back of the legs. I was a good child, never got into trouble, got good results at school (by other's standards), was quiet, amused myself. I was an only child until 13 when my sister came along - my mother and step-dad's daughter. My step-dad was a nice guy, but he never interefered (and still doesn't) in the mother-daughter relationship and never disciplined me. My sister got much different treatment - as did my brother who arrived when i was 19.
ugh, anyway. It's all such a mess and I want to grieve for the childhood that I never got. But I'm scared to do so because even though I know i need to, I don't know if i can do it without losing it completely.
I'm sorry, I'm just dumping all of this stuff on your thread and not replying to you properly. So sorry.
I'm very new here and waiting for my first session with a recommended T. The title of this post really spoke to me...
I have only just started to acknowledge that my childhood was completely 'wrong'. Intellectual understanding is of course, nowhere near actually dealing with it emotionally, though, which I hope a T will be able to help with. I never felt part, of anything, always felt off to one side, my mother never congratulated me on anything without condition - 'that was ok, but next you could do X to do better' or even worse 'that wasn't as good as it could have been' etc. There was never any proper warmth, no hugs, no discussion about anything. My chldohhod was full of 'no', 'mind your manners', 'behave yourself' and smacks on the back of the legs. I was a good child, never got into trouble, got good results at school (by other's standards), was quiet, amused myself. I was an only child until 13 when my sister came along - my mother and step-dad's daughter. My step-dad was a nice guy, but he never interefered (and still doesn't) in the mother-daughter relationship and never disciplined me. My sister got much different treatment - as did my brother who arrived when i was 19.
ugh, anyway. It's all such a mess and I want to grieve for the childhood that I never got. But I'm scared to do so because even though I know i need to, I don't know if i can do it without losing it completely.
I'm sorry, I'm just dumping all of this stuff on your thread and not replying to you properly. So sorry.