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Oh Deepfried, I am not sure I can provide anything useful but I can really relate to most of what you have said….the feeling of a real connection with my T one minute and then the next (even in btw sessions when I have had no communication with her) I would feel a real disconnect.
I am really sorry that you have had to deal with the anniversary of these sad events alone
I remember going through the anniversary of a sad event and feeling like I couldn’t contact my T even though it was really important to me but I also felt like she should have known (don’t ask how…maybe I expected her to telepathically read my mind 
)
I’m really pleased that you get a lot from your group therapy…it sounds great though this isn’t something I think I would be able to do as I become quite shy in big groups but I can really appreciate the benefit of having different outlooks on things.
It sounds like maybe you are testing the boundaries with your t….maybe you now feel safe enough to do so.
I went through a stage of feeling rebellious…I didn’t turn up to one of my appointments...it was the first time I had I had ever done this but I was feeling a little out of control at the time but it felt good to do something that I knew I wasn’t supposed to. Of course I had to then talk this through with my T afterwards…oops… but it was something I needed to do…also to see if she would still be there for me afterwards.
I think that you are right when you say that maybe you are starting to trust her and that is a really scary thought so you are trying to hold onto aspects that make her less trustworthy. I did this too, I am hoping it is just a natural reaction to letting your defences down with someone and letting them in when this is something completely new to your way of being.
Maybe you don’t need anything more from her…my T asked me the same question and I also found it hard to answer… it took me a while to realise that she was giving me what I needed, I just wasn’t necessarily in a place to accept it.
I hope you are able to regain the connection back with your T soon.
Hugs
Butterfly
I am really sorry that you have had to deal with the anniversary of these sad events alone
I remember going through the anniversary of a sad event and feeling like I couldn’t contact my T even though it was really important to me but I also felt like she should have known (don’t ask how…maybe I expected her to telepathically read my mind )I’m really pleased that you get a lot from your group therapy…it sounds great though this isn’t something I think I would be able to do as I become quite shy in big groups but I can really appreciate the benefit of having different outlooks on things.
quote:I'm going through a weird T crisis right now. I've been okay with her for so long, almost 2 months or so w/o feeling really freaked out or disconnected. But now I feel nervous to tell her anything, or to even continue. It's like I'm in a playful rebellion stage, like I laugh to think about just not going anymore? What the heck?? I need to stay responsible, I still have lots of work to do.
It sounds like maybe you are testing the boundaries with your t….maybe you now feel safe enough to do so.
I went through a stage of feeling rebellious…I didn’t turn up to one of my appointments...it was the first time I had I had ever done this but I was feeling a little out of control at the time but it felt good to do something that I knew I wasn’t supposed to. Of course I had to then talk this through with my T afterwards…oops… but it was something I needed to do…also to see if she would still be there for me afterwards.
quote:What I think my scared back and fourth freaking out stuff is about is that I'm actually starting to trust her? So I'm trying everything I can to not trust her, and resist trusting her. Does that make sense? Do you think that may be the case?
I think that you are right when you say that maybe you are starting to trust her and that is a really scary thought so you are trying to hold onto aspects that make her less trustworthy. I did this too, I am hoping it is just a natural reaction to letting your defences down with someone and letting them in when this is something completely new to your way of being.
quote:“When I told my T last session I didn’t trust her she asked me what she could do.. Well….. I had nothing for her. I don’t know what I need.
Maybe you don’t need anything more from her…my T asked me the same question and I also found it hard to answer… it took me a while to realise that she was giving me what I needed, I just wasn’t necessarily in a place to accept it.
I hope you are able to regain the connection back with your T soon.
Hugs
Butterfly
DF,
I would like to echo everything that Butterfly said. She responded to each point that I was going to hit on as well.
I have gone through this cycle so many times with my T. I have found that the disconnects tend to happen fairly soon after a time that I feel very connected to T. I think that it is natural for those of us that experienced danger or hurt when we got close to someone. It is natural that we are going to be spooked by that closeness and pull back. I will say that it has gotten better over time and now I am able to recognize the cycle and take a step back and realize what is going on. That helps. It also helps to talk it over with T when it happens. Each time we do that it seems to less the disconnect the next time or at least my desire to do a complete pull back.
As far as knowing what you need to trust T more. That's a hard one. I think that over time it just develops more and the more she remains consistent and predictable the more you will be able to trust in that.
I'm glad that you find your group therapy so helpful. I haven't had group in about 20 years, but I sometimes think it would be good to have. I'm just not sure that I'm ready for that yet. I think it is great that you have that option.
I would like to echo everything that Butterfly said. She responded to each point that I was going to hit on as well.
I have gone through this cycle so many times with my T. I have found that the disconnects tend to happen fairly soon after a time that I feel very connected to T. I think that it is natural for those of us that experienced danger or hurt when we got close to someone. It is natural that we are going to be spooked by that closeness and pull back. I will say that it has gotten better over time and now I am able to recognize the cycle and take a step back and realize what is going on. That helps. It also helps to talk it over with T when it happens. Each time we do that it seems to less the disconnect the next time or at least my desire to do a complete pull back.
As far as knowing what you need to trust T more. That's a hard one. I think that over time it just develops more and the more she remains consistent and predictable the more you will be able to trust in that.
I'm glad that you find your group therapy so helpful. I haven't had group in about 20 years, but I sometimes think it would be good to have. I'm just not sure that I'm ready for that yet. I think it is great that you have that option.