LOL I was thinking the same thing as you on this Echo. I was thinking 'I hope this is not pervading Yaku's thread too much cause it's almost becoming like a thread of its own haha'

Hope your good

Echo! This is amazing. Wow, thankyou so much for this. Did you write it all??

This is the most significant problem I have:

quote:
people need to know, that you could have spent so long in a depersonalised state that you dont even recongnise you are in one


I was born into an environment where upheaval and arguments were regular. Reading Bowlby's attachment theory, I am concerned that I have been in a constant state of disassociation/depersonalization since birth. I'm really uncertain. How would you differentiate if you were or not.

In sessions T asks me how I feel about this and that. How I feel about what happened in this or that situation and my answer is usually 'indifference'. I can't fathom a feeling and even if I do feel something, I don't realize I'm feeling if you know what I mean. Understanding how I feel in body and mind is very difficult to me because, yes, I think I'm fragmented somehow but how, I'm not sure.

quote:
Severe identity confusion builds into a persistant internal struggle in those that have been abused in childhood that is like a world war going off in ones head about who one is,wants or needs.it causes disfunction and a high degree of unhappiness.it interferes in relationships and in holding down a job.this sort if person suffering from Severe IC cannot name or define what makes them happy , what they need or whty they would like to make them happy or even comfortable or could even describe who they are. you become a stranger to yourself.They feel like they are split and being pulled in every direction.They can be totally perplexed by thier sexuality or orientation and even gender.


I have experienced this. For years, trying to grasp what makes me happy is something I am at a loss with. I just don't understand. Nothing is clear. When I look in the mirror, I'm not sure what I'm looking at. I've been through periods where I'm not sure that I'm gay but right now, I'm sure and have subscribed the uncertainty to attachment confusion, which is definitely part-truth. I attach to people and get confused sexually.

I felt that T was concerned about my 'indifference' to things. She said 'It does show that your indifference means..' and I interrupted and said 'yes, it means that when I was a child, I surpassed the emotions of caring because I had to. I had to numb myself to it'. I numbed myself so much to it, Echoes, that I actually found my stepmum's and Dad arguments thrilling, entertaining. I wanted them to rip each other apart and I think I wanted it to happen so much because really, deep deep down inside, I was fed up with it all and sick and tired.

I guess identity confusion is also instilled because for 8 years I kept myself completely indenial of my sexuality to the point where I outright denied it even though, at the same time, I knew it was true how I felt. I knew I fancied my school teacher but intellectually denied it. It was a difficult war. And I still get confused as to what I 'feel' like as a person because of it.

Sometimes I feel like a child and then a teenager but never a 25 year old woman. If someone said to me 'You are a 25 year old adult woman', I wouldn't be able to fathom it. It wouldn't make sense to me. Me, an adult? No, I can't see that. When I talk to T, I'm not sure how I feel. I think I am cut off from myself. Do you think I will work it out in time? I hope so.

Sorry Echoes, I know you can't answer these questions for me and I'll go to T and talk to her about this kind of thing.

What you wrote really helped me think more. Thank you. And if you wrote all that (!), thank you for putting in your time to do so Appreciate it.

My T says that I have a lot of rage in me at my parents. I wish I could feel it. When I was 15 I put our pet dog on a leash and started a fire in the house in a bid to 'get rid of it all'. I wanted to become a lost street kid with my dog, like in a novel. I remember I had dreams of being a street kid when I was young. I wanted to wonder the world alone with a pet and swing in trees with other street kids. I would have done it as well but my Dad turned up just in the nick of time. I guess thats rage in itself. Thing is, I felt indifferent. I felt very nervous and I think deep down, very sad. Very alone. Given up.

The good thing is that I am aware of a truth that never fit before and that's the fact that I don't feel like these two people are my parents. I feel like they are both so distant from me. And I'm not sure what to do with this new found feeling. I told T this. I said to her 'I'm not sure what to do about the relationship with my ma. Do i end it? Do I try to reestablish a relationship? Do I see her every now and then?'

Anyway, I'm garbling. I'm sorry. Thanks again and hope your doing okay ? xx

Oh my very dear Echoes - to post so much of what you suffer must be so very exhausting - you give so much - sometimes too much of your dear self While I'm not on the extreme levels of the spectrum, apart from almost chronic amnesia, I empathise with you on many of those areas!!
Love, Morgs xx