((((JANE)))))

Not much to say except that you're very brave to do that. I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now.

HUGS,

Liese

Jane, I think is the perfect sentiment for the situation. It is hard and sad and not fair. I'm glad your Ts are there for you. For me, it is hard to let my T be there for me, but especially so when I absolutely need him to be. I think it's because the past failures to respond appropriately were so pervasive and extreme that the more I need support, the less I am willing to risk finding out it's not really there. I don't know if that resonates with you, but that's what came to mind. But, after all that's happened in the last year that I've known you, I think your Ts will absolutely be there.

Liese and Yaku ~ thank you so much for the encouragement and support.

This morning went to a dance class that is signed up for awhile ago. It was so hard to go. The class picked up my spirits a little though. Then I went for coffee with a friend that I haven't seen in months, and they happened to as about ex-SD. I told them a little of what happened, and they responded with shock that he, of all people, could do such a thing... and I only told them a little (and I told them it was just a little of what happened, the icky stuff he has done.)

Now I feel like I'm crashing again. I have those old questions racing around in my head - why me? Why do I seem to encounter, bring out, run into the worst parts of people in positions of power authority and trust, while others... they never do... with the same people... what is wrong with me? Do I attract abuse and abusive people and abuse of power? How?

The grief and pain and shame is tremendous and so familiar...

I wish I could cry it out and away.

And in the middle of this, I'm so scared to call either of my Ts. I see them both this week, and I'm scared to see them. I'm also so... mad... very mad... I feel like it is dangerous to feel any of the anger.

(((((Jane))))

Cant' imagine being in court over someone who damaged me. yes, been taken advantage of-used and abused..never in court. You must be very courageous to face this! And yet, go to your dance class???

Hope you can accept that you are feeling numb right now. Even though that's not where you might want to be, hope you can accept that it's where you are at. It won't be forever, for sure. And after all, most of us don't want to be where we are at right now. Best to let yourself feel how you feel about being where you are at-and not beat yourself up for it.

Let us know how it goes. Best wishes,
xoxo

((((xoxo)))) thank you

Yeah, dance... it felt like a way to sort of feel like life goes on...

Taking dance classes at all was a big thing for me. It felt like taking my body, and my heart, back as mine. I started about a year ago, after only taking a couple classes in school about a decade ago. My Ts thought it was great idea for me to try dance. I stopped recently, and I have been actually missing it. But I went today only because I already paid for it - and yet it did help. Somehow.


Then tonight, I snapped at my housemate in a way that stunned me. Over nothing. I left the house very fast after I snapped. I feel even worse now, and I think I spooked my housemate too. I got triggered by something so small... He was asking about something totally mundane, and I told him, I can't talk about that... he kept asking, in an effort to be helpful about a very minor thing, and I told him I felt nervous for reasons unrelated t anything he was asking about, and I just need to not talk about that, and please don't ask... and he then tried to explain or something - he just kept talking about it and then I felt like I had to answer or respond about it, and I snapped. I almost yelled. Instead I told him to stop, leave me alone, I can't... and I almost rated at him about anything and everything, but instead, I went numb, mildly dissociative, and left the house, fast, leaving him behind, totally bewildered and stunned. I stopped and got mad about the light on the front doorstep. It was out, and the light blub was not burnt out, but twisted out. I told him to never loosen the lightblub again and stop leaving everything broken (he doesn't leave anything broken). He of course didn't loosen the lightblub either (no idea why it was like partially unscrewed). I then broke down in tears standing outside. I almost drove off... but I was numb enough that I couldn't feel the keys - I could have still driven, but didn't, as it probably would not have been safe. I called a friend who is letting me crash in her empty room to help me re-group.

I'm not triggered or dissociative anymore - not even tearful. That all went away very fast, like in 5 minutes. But I am totally dreading going back to my house now that I have acted like this over NOTHING.

I have totally reacted hugely to nothing - just a few words he said reminded me of ex-SD and being in court.... Harmless words in a totally different conext and totally different meaning. And I flipped out, bady and so fast. I feel so broken.

Will I ever have normal adult human relationships? ever?! I try therapy, so much, and I'm becoming convinced I will never have normal adult human relationships. I don't even know what that means. I can't even imagine what that would be like.

it just hit me. i left my friends house. then i realized, i ran away. i run away. i can't stop. i'm nowhere.

(((Jane)))

I was thinking today about how when we have had traumatic experiences, it can feel like we are completely broken. Smashed. Obliterated. But the truth is that the parts of us that are strong are still there, intact, just like if you got a splinter in your foot, it might be useless until you get the splinter out, but after that it will be as good as new. And maybe there are parts of you that need to strengthen and grow still but I believe it can happen. Maybe you're not as broken as you feel.

Alpaca - I hope the stronger part of me is still there! it seems awfully buried

kansas - thank you for your kind words

Hi Jane,
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I understand the running away part, I do it to, in not so healthy ways.
You have been through so much recently, I hope you can find a way to stop running and find a 'home" within yourself.
I greatly admire and appreciate you, please take care.

Geeg

I've been working out a lot lately. It really has been great for me mentally. A way of me taking care of myself.

Anyway you sound very strong Jane. I admire and can relate to you.