((((df)))))

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not losing your mind. It sounds like something deep was triggered – heck, you have had a tough week as it is… It’s pretty common for people to feel like they are dying or going to die in a middle of a panic attack. It’s your brain just trying to protect you, even though you are safe. Whenever I get really emotionally dysregulated, all my senses seem turned ON very loudly. My whole body can shiver and shake in all kinds of ways. It feels like I am breaking down inside and out… You don’t sound crazy at all. I really want to reassure you of that.

This might sound totally weird, but sometimes in the middle of a panic attack, something very grounding sometimes helps the panic reduce... like holding something frozen in one hand and something hot in another. Distraction can help too - games or movie - can you get distracted by anything? When I have flashbacks - anything reminding me of the here and now helps. By helping, I don’t mean it stops the panic (sometimes it can, but not always) – but it can just help you get through it. So if things are not stopping the panic, they likely are still helping somewhat – just saying this to try to help encourage you that even though it's not stopping right now, it will stop and it is still good to keep doing things to ground/distract/and be connected to the present.

It’s going to pass and get better. Maybe don’t try to figure out the source of it right now, or even try to figure out tomorrow, but just ride the waves of this awful panic right now for this afternoon. That's all you need to focus on getting through. Sometimes I have to break it down, even minute by minute. It is completely awful to experience… you are so not alone in this.

You have had some serious grief and trauma of this past week alone that you are walking through, and being flooded like this isn’t crazy, but just your body/mind/heart trying to get through it all. I hope something helps bring relief to you soon. I’m so glad you are posting and reaching out here and elsewhere for help.

~ jd

Jane had some great suggestions. Sometimes I also find relief in going for a walk or run either outside or on the treadmill. I often imagine that I am running away from whatever is bothering me. Also, sometimes pushing against something can help. Like putting my feet against the couch and pushing it with my legs.

I know that you want to cancel your session tomorrow and retreat into yourself, but I'd like to gently suggest that you go against that feeling and go see your T. You've got plenty of experience in handling these horrible feelings on your own. Your body is well versed in that approach. Even though it feels wrong to do, maybe going to your T and allowing someone else to be with you in this will eventually help your body learn that it is now and you are not alone.

(((hugs)))

Hi honey,

I just want to second (third?) everything JD and STRM are saying. I also want to say that you are completely NOT crazy for experiencing what you are experiencing. I felt this kind of physical shock when a friend of mine died. As Jane said, this is your body/mind/heart doing what it needs to do to get through right now. You will come back to an equilibrium point, it is just going to take some time and support.

With STRM I want to encourage you to go to your appointment if you possibly can. You can use it how you need to - you are in control there, and yes, trying - just being there - is good enough. You have done nothing wrong. So often when something terrible happens our brains tell us that we have done something wrong because we really feel like we need to get back in control of the situation. But you didn't do anything wrong, that's not why this hurts. You just need care and gentle support.

Love,
Jones

DF,

I am quite sure that your DBT T is not mad at your for emailing. You said yourself that you asked her not to reply so I'm not surprised that you haven't heard back. Also, it is possible that things are going on for her this weekend and she hasn't had the time to check email or reply. There are many reasons for lack of response and I'm sure that she is not mad at you. I know it can feel that way (I experience that fear with my T as well), but I'm pretty confident that it isn't anything to do with you. Besides that, I'm sure the purple email eating monster got it anyway.

I'm glad to hear that you are moving your body and using that as a resource.

I just went to Redbox and got a movie to distract me. Perhaps that could work for you too?

(((((DF)))))

I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful. It's such a scary place to be. I know this sounds trite, but nothing is ever as bad as it seems at the time. I just hope you don't beat yourself up too much. You are a wonderful human being.

I just hope your DBT T isn't mad because that would mean that she is taking something personally, right? And, hopefully she's professional enough not to take things personally. But I can't imagine that you would do or say anything that would piss her off in the first place.

(((((DF, big hugs))))))


Liese

((((DF)))))

I just want to add my voice to the chorus of people suggesting that if at all possible (I realize it may not be and that's ok too) that you make your appointment tomorrow. It sounds like you are highly activated and your body is in a very aroused hypervigilant state. Being with a caring, attuned, calm other is the most powerful antidote. Humans have open physiological systems so when we are with another person (or any mammal for that matter) our nervous systems literally interact. Being around someone whose nervous system is in a state of equalibrium (such as your T) who can hear and understand your feelings but remain calm, will pull your system towards a more stable place.

I have experienced this from both sides of the equation. I have been really activated and upset and calmed down by interacting with my therapist and I had the experience on the phone lines of remaining calm and unafraid while speaking to someone and seeing it calm them down.

You sound like you are working very hard to find ways to calm and ground yourself, and I think interacting on a right brain level in someone's physical presence is very potent. But I know it's easier said than done to allow yourself to experience your affect with someone else.

I really hope you feel better soon. I am sorry this has been so difficult for you.

love, AG

((((DF))))

So glad you are feeling a little better. I do that too with putting everything back into the sack when I get to my appointment. I've never cried or really emoted with T and it really bothers me. Lately I've decided that I wasn't going to worry about whether or not I could emote with him. It was as if I was judging the quality of the relationship by whether or not I could emote with him. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to emote with him instead of just letting things develop naturally. Maybe now that I've taken the pressure off myself, I WILL actually be able to emote with him.

Hugs,

Liese

DF,

Glad to hear you are feeling some better. It sounds like you chose some really good coping methods to get through. I hope you are able to go to your T appt today. Let us know how it goes if you are able.

The movie I got was No Strings Attached. It was cute.

DF,

You hit the nail on the head for me as to why I refuse to allow myself to emote with T: fear that he'll think I'm hopeless and not want to help me, fear that he'll think I'm not making progress and not want to help me, fear that he'll think I'm being manipulative and not want to help me. I can go on and on. Instead, what I probably need to do is reach out when I need help. Actually, I called him on Friday for not only an out of session but weekend contact. It was scary to make the call. But it made such a big difference to me to get that reassurance from him that everything is okay with us. If I hadn't called him, (or if I had called him and he didn't back) I would have been in bed all weekend.

hugs,

Liese

DF...I hope so much that you go to your appointment and that it calms you and helps you.

hugs,

BB

Check it out- I took the "page two bullet" for you, dude!

Great!! I hope it goes well and you can check some stuff off of your shit list.

So glad you're going and hope T's advice is helpful. Hang in there, DF! ((((hugs)))) to you.

((((DF))))

Glad to hear you are going!!! I did the same thing. Cried ALL weekend and just went to T and didn't emote. But, you know what? I just decided today, who the F cares? I have also felt the same way about T, that he doesn't care about my emotions. But from convo's we've had I know that he thinks emotions are supremely important and so it has to be a projection on my part. Maybe if I can just relax about the whole thing, it'll come. Don't know. Just throwing that out there.

I don't know if this resonates with you but a lot of times I get frustrated because I need him to know how much distress I'm in and if I can't emote when I'm with him, how will he know? I will actually repeat that for him, you do know how much distress I was in?

Hope it went well today DF. Thinking of you.

DF,

Great work!! I am so glad to hear that you went in and that you are feeling better. Wonderful my dear.

((((DF)))) So glad you were able to experience grounding and containment and are more calm. I do agree that you have been dealing well, reaching out as needed (which is big), even if it was a harrowing experience internally. Hope you continue to be able to rest up!

(((((DF))))))

Awesome job! I'm going with your T's opinion that you're handling things really well. SO very glad to read that update.

AG

(((DF))) No need to be sorry to post and thanks so much for updating. I was wondering how things were going. I'm glad you were able to get a massage and acupuncture and it helped loosen things up a bit, but sorry that your resources are so externally directed right now. It sounds like you're getting tapped out, spending yourself on others and nowhere to refill. So, even if you just need some comfort, I'm sure your T would understand...but I totally get why it's nearly impossible to call just for that reason too. I'm glad you see DBT T tomorrow and you feel like you can make it until then. I hope you keep posting here if it helps. Thinking about you and sending lots of (((hugs))).

((((DF))))

I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. I've done the grief points in acupuncture before and boy those can trigger floods of tears and emotion. In fact, I had to stop going because I was so overwhelmed by what it brought up so the fact that you are able to still sit with that is amazing to me.

I'm sure your T knows that your message wasn't truly homicidal. Even if she does still call you, perhaps it would be good to have that connection?? I think it is great that you called her and you were able to say that you were feeling so alone and sad.

I am glad that you are continuing to talk about your friend. I agree with your acupuncture guy that it is important and it's okay to cry. I'm not surprised that the week passing is bringing it up. (((hugs)))

I know you're hoping she doesn't call you back, but I kind of hope she does, so you're not sitting there worried about how she reacted to what you think was a weird message. To tell you the truth, it sounds like just someone venting from my perspective, though. I don't know if that helps. You should see some of the weird-@$$ texts my T gets from me! Could you pretend we're all out at coffee to vent about how crap everything is right now, how "tapped out" we are. And just let us have it, here? I don't know if that would help...just a thought!

Good luck and enjoy your lunch. Feel free to PM me if you need somewhere to unleash your expletives! (((DF)))