Wow, that sounds rough. Is there any way you and your parents could meet with your new P and work out a plan to try?

I just wanted to second stoppers suggestion. I think a meeting with you, your parents, and your care provider is the best step forward. I wouldn't go on the advice on someone who hasn't met me, personally. But if you tell your parents that you want to consider their opinion but that you want to include someone who already knows you, I think it will show them that you are trying to work with them in the situation.

(((Frosty))) I'm so sorry. I know your parents probably think they're doing what's best, but I don't understand why you weren't included in this particular meeting (or a follow-up meeting), so whoever was giving this advice (or maybe your own T) could hear your concerns and fears and help you work through how you feel about it. It's a very hard decision, and I agree with the others that you should be able to have your whole processing of their opinions and requests (errr...demands) heard, validated, etc. I hear how scared you are, how overwhelming it all is at this point...and this on top of the therapy stuff. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Keep working through how you feel here. ((((more hugs))))

PF this sounds so scary. I don't blame you for being so reluctant. I know when I was younger my parents sort of did the same thing to me. it wasn't over an eating disorder but more about depression. I ended up in a halfway house for a couple of years. I tried to go to school etc but I couldn't read so I dropped out and ended up at that half way house.

I am so sorry you are having to face this right now. I hope that you find what is right for you. I worry that you will disappear from us here on this board.

jo

(((((((Frosty))))))

It will be ok, sweetie- you can have some control over the way this goes, and assert yourself to get legitimate needs met. It's ok to need the extra help for awhile. Gosh, I'll be honest, to me it sounds just lovely right now. I know that is not a good thing to say probably, I am sorry.

Let me think... I am confused about, why if you are a fulltime student in uni, you have to work?

That was one question I had. It seems really common for students to not work, or to have just a little part time job, surely, with all the studying? idk, though...

Oh my dear I'd better come back another day I am not much of help lately, but I couldn't happened to see the thread and wanted to try say soemthing to you, hugs honey-

BB

((((Frosty))))

I've been wondering about you, wondering where you've been and how you are doing.

I can imagine how scary it feels to be getting pressured from your family to go in-patient.

I know its difficult to not worry about what your friends and other people in your town will say when they hear that you have gone to a "psych" hospital, but I promise you that 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now...most will have forgotten or simply don't care about that. What's most important right now is first and foremost your well-being.

Is it possible for you to come to an agreement with your family that you will do more intensive outpatient treatment? What is it that they think you will get in an in-patient setting that will be more effective than outpatient therapy? I understand that they don't think therapy is working for you, but what do they think will be provided in an in-patient setting that WILL be helpful? Is it possible to get that in some other way?

(((((frosty)))))
xxx M B F

Big hugs for you, Frosty. You are a sweetheart, and that will be true whether you do inpatient or not. Thinking of you.

Jones

(((Frosty)))

I'm sorry you are faced with this. I'm sure it is very scary.

Have you tried EMDR? I think it could potentially work, especially for the food and phobia issues (NOT allergies, obviously not for those). Just a thought.

Anyway, I don't have much advice, but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. (((hugs)))

quote:

My symptoms are my (irrational) way of showing I WANT to live not the other way around.

I think there is a great deal of insight in this, Frosty...it is weirdly, part of the reason that I have always admired people who have anxiety rather than my type of depression. Wnating to live is such a postive and such a beautiful thing. And I think you are a person who wants it really deeply, and has *so* much to offer. It has gotten blocked and wounded by your expereineces, but it is still there inside of you- and you know that.

With regards the food issues..I know how very sensitive and difficult this issue is for you so with draggers, I want to tread very carefully here. I will only offer, that for myself with the same issue with my son, it has been an issue of trust more than anything else. And it seems like a wise thing, in many ways, since people are fallible easlily confused, someitmes even bullies about it- and this is your *life* your staying alive, which you so beautifully, *value.* Oh, I just want to say that I think your "phobia" makes perfect sense, and that you will need people to validate that for you, and help you learn how to get your needs for safety in this area met. If you can't find anyone who will teach you how to get your needs for safety met, than you will have to use that excellent mind you have, to figure it out for yourself.

Some things that I have tired... that have been helpful for my boy-

*writing down the things (whole foods with *no* ingredients) that it is safe for him to eat, and if someone else is taking care of his food for some reason, I train them carefully on the epipen, and tell them he could die if you do not make sure that he only eats the whole foods on this list. his list is like-
*the bread that I made, and only the bread that I made-
*apples
*the soy milk that is on the shelf and marked with his name- only give him the milk that has his name on it.
*only gorund beef with salt and pepper. It must not have *any* other ingredients in it.

Restaurants are a challenge, as you know, and you have to learn really creative communication skills, bring your lists, etc.

When others besides me prepare his food, he naturally has a *very* bland little diet, but he can survive very well on it. And usually he is with me. So it's ok. You will be ok like that for a month or so? You will be your mommy?

You get the idea. It is much easier than trying to go into all the food that you *can't* eat, because the list is simply too long and too fallible. Focus on the food that you *can* eat, and describe them/simplify them in words in creative ways. Like for example, you could say..."I can have a hamburger if it is made with *only* salt and pepper, but no egg and no bread crumbs, and no other additives, (since you might not know what is in the breadcrumbs) I will have it plain, *by itself* and without the bun. I do not mean to be difficult, but I have a very serious food allergy. Thank you for helping me" Doing this is heroic because it shows your beautiful desire to *live.* I know it is hard very hard to survive because you have been bullied so it is extremely difficult to assert yourself in this way, about food. It would be much easier to say "I just won't eat, I do not deserve to eat." But you must. Frost, and you *do* and I admire it. If others do not understand this, than let them go, and focus on you. Don't let their meanness about it get to you, *you* know why you have to do this. I will share with you, that someone I trusted who *knows* about my boy's allergies, fed him some frosting from their birthday cake at a party, on their finger "for fun." And then made fun of me for medicating him immediately, calling the bakery to find out what was in it, and finding that fortunately, there was nothing serious in the frosting. Bullies are everywhere, thwarting our ability to try to survive, and we must learn to ignore them. Some people treat me like I am insane since I am obsessed with my boy's food- they do not understand I *have* to be, top keep him alive. People do not understand food allergies, they think it is obsession- it is not, not neccesarily, but can turn into it very easily if people don't understand and help and support. If they don't, then you help yourself. Be a hero- You be your own mommy- protect yourself. When you prepare food for yourself or are helping with the preparation, than you can of course eat stuff that will taste better, because you will know what it is safe to add, and can check the ingredients on the spices and things like that. But when others do it for you, you'll have to eat *really* simply, maybe. When my boy has a baby-sitter, he eats like- *his* bread, and *his* soymilk, and an apple, peeled- and he is ok! I feel bad for him because he doesn't get to eat yummier stuff, but- he survives for awhile and that is the most important. Then I can make him something he likes later. You can do the same for you. And- I wonder if you can ask to be involved in the preparation of your own food if you go to inpatient? That is another idea, that could empower you. It is also very important for you to try to find friends that understand food allergies. Having been through, or having had someone they love been through anaphylaxis, they can help you to normalize your experience of food and not feel so crazy for being afraid.

Food allergies are serious and need to be treated seriously, Frost- you are *not* crazy. It is natural that of course you will have great anxiety about it. Do you know which (whole) foods are perfectly safe for you to eat, Frosty? If so, try just eat those...make a very specific list, and give it to the hospital staff if you decide to do the inpatient. It will help you and empower you. And guess what? It is much healthier to eat while food without ingredients anyway, so you will be a trailblazer and become really healthy. You will choose an apple instead of a bag of chips. Naturally your food will be a bit bland at times and that sucks, but it is better than suffering emotional pain and chaos, which you do not deserve to endure.

So many hugs,

BB

too much editing after posting- sorry about that, Frost...

Forsty, I'm not a good person to talk to about it probably- I may be a little phobic about it myself. I do not think you need to feel bad for feeling bad though. Two allergies are enough to be just as scary as lots of allergies. I don't think it is crazy to be scared of stuff that might be in your food that might make you sick. That's all I'm saying. You are not crazy.

Frosty, I don't have anything I can add, but I just wanted to offer some hugs and support. I like what the consult T said...very true. ((((PF))))

(((((((HUGS))))))

I know this must be a stressful time for you, I just wanted to ask if you have considered asking for a session or two with the "P" that your parents saw? His opinion might change when he actually meets you. Are you comfortable enough to give release for your regular T to speak with him? Your T's ideas are probably the most valuable because he is a healthcare professional.

The P's ideas right now are one sided. Give him both sides and see what he says. Then can you ask for a meeting to arrange a plan on what would work for you.

Can you create an idea of a program that would work for you? As an example what about seeing this P 3 times a week and committing to a group therapy class once a week? In return you still stay at home and are able to make you own food. What about committing to join a class or sport or club that you attend at least once a week? Can you commit to going out and doing physical exercise (for the seritonine effects) it can be something as simple as 30 mins walking 3 times a week) Are any of these things that you could do in order for your parents to be happy that you are trying to get better without being in inpatient?
I think the trick to you manging this is to show them that you are trying to get better and are willing to step it up a notch to avoid inpatient.

I would also be clear that part of your reasoning is that you don't want to miss a term at school. But maybe for the next term you could move to part time status so you can focus on getting better?

There idea is a start but counter act with another plan, something that you are willing to follow, and put a hitch in it to make you follow it. Something like you will have weekly meetings with your parents to see how it is going. If you miss one or more of your commitments more then 3 weeks in a row then you will go to inpatient.

Just some negotiating ideas.

more hugs

CNC

(((((Frosty)))))

I like CNCs ideas... I know how challenging it is when your whole schedule and routine has to be flipped upside down.

((((Frosty))))
Thinking of you and sending warm fuzzies....

It sounds like you just need some caring support from your parents and that it is very painful for you when they judge you instead of giving you the caring and patient support that you need. I am sorry. I have dealt with that for many years, and I know how it is to feel unable to function without a *lot* of caring support, but that you *seem ok* so that nobody takes your needs seriously. My H was mad at me for years for not being able to do more than I feel capable of doing...it is only recently that he has grwon a little more understanding of where I am at. I think that you need first of all a T who is totally on *your* side, who can then point things out to your family so that you can get your needs met more reasonably by them. Would it kill somebody to say, "Hey Frost, I see you struggling...what can we do to help you through today and make it easier and a bit better for you?" I think you have every right to need that and ask for that. It is totally legitimate to just need support, and attention, and loving connection. To have someone want to do things with you, and show you how to do things in a friendly and caring way when you don't know. And I think it is great just great that you are in touch with that. Hang onto that need Frosty, as painful as it is when it doesn't get met. It will guide you.

So, basically an ultimatum with no chance for your thoughts and feelings to be "heard." I get the whole "tough love" thing when you're worried about your kid, but seriously? That doesn't mean ignoring the fact that they're a human being and should have their input at least listened to. I'm probably not being at all helpful here, but I'm mad at your parents. I know they love you, otherwise they wouldn't be encouraging you to get better, but (as a big sister and mom) it hurts me to see you treated like that. ((((Frosty))))

I don't know what to tell you. It sounds scary, but when I have been at my lowest, having a place to just "be" and have someone take care of the details can also seem very liberating. I wish you could have more time, time with your T, time with your parents and their T/P, etc. to work through this decision. Did they say, if you choose no, how much of a transitional period you will have to find or a job or get on your own? Argh, I really don't like you being pressured so much. It's not necessarily the fact that they want you to get healthy, just the way they're going about it. It feels disabling, rather than enabling like they probably want it to be.

Oh, sorry, I wasn't trying to underestimate the amount of work it would be. All I meant was to be in a place where the work I was doing was obviously all about me. I wouldn't have to worry about how selfish I'm being or exerting myself against that by trying to be and do everything for everyone else like I do and I think many here do as well, but everyone must speak for themselves. Whatever you choose, I hope it will be what is right for YOU and not something you end up feeling pushed into. Real change cannot come, I think, from just living up to what others want and expect from you. You have to want and be ready for it on your own. Sometimes confrontation can assist in that readiness, so I'm not denying that it can be essential. I don't know. It just seems like they went about it so exclusively, without involving you in something that essentially MUST take your own thoughts and feelings into account. ((((Frosty)))) Keep working through this. I wonder if there is any way you could tell them that you're seriously considering everything that they said, but you need a little more information and time to make the decision that you feel is best. Then, perhaps a list of questions/concerns that you can work out with them and a T/P that would help your decision, as well as maybe airing out some of your feelings about this ultimatum in a safe place. How do you think they would respond to that kind of request?

quote:

When my parents talked to me about in-patient, they left the next day for holidays. They're gone for 2 weeks and told me to have made a decision by the time they get back. When my dad called yesterday I wanted to talk to him about what T thought and discuss it a little bit. He said: "I don't want to discuss this. You have time to think about it and tell us when we get back."

(((PF))))

I'm so sorry that your dad denied you the opportunity to talk about this. I can imagine that didn't feel good.