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I agree with draggers. I often am on as a guest from my phone or work computer and then log on when I get home to post so I might view a post multiple times before I answer.
Also I lurked a long time before I posted and I found it essential before I could post about my own struggles.
Also I lurked a long time before I posted and I found it essential before I could post about my own struggles.
Hi Jo,
I do the same as the others sometimes. Keep up, but without necessarily having the particular energy and time required to think through and post responses. I think many if not most of the non-visible members and lurkers probably fall in this category.
It can be really hard to be witness to people's pain if we want to leap in and try to fix it or make it go away somehow. I struggle a lot with this in my relationship. But I'm learning that often what heals persistent emotional pain is not striving to fix it, but simply being with it.
If you're feeling compelled to respond more than you would like to, perhaps just focus on noticing the feelings that seem compelling. When people post, they are already processing their own feelings and doing the work of healing. I know lots of us feel uncomfortable when we post and then there's a quietness - but maybe accepting the feelings that happen in that quietness is a big part of this work too.
Take care,
Jones
I do the same as the others sometimes. Keep up, but without necessarily having the particular energy and time required to think through and post responses. I think many if not most of the non-visible members and lurkers probably fall in this category.
It can be really hard to be witness to people's pain if we want to leap in and try to fix it or make it go away somehow. I struggle a lot with this in my relationship. But I'm learning that often what heals persistent emotional pain is not striving to fix it, but simply being with it.
If you're feeling compelled to respond more than you would like to, perhaps just focus on noticing the feelings that seem compelling. When people post, they are already processing their own feelings and doing the work of healing. I know lots of us feel uncomfortable when we post and then there's a quietness - but maybe accepting the feelings that happen in that quietness is a big part of this work too.
Take care,
Jones
Hi. I am one if these 'lurkers' because I am not brave enough to post. I read here frequently, have found these discussions immensely helpful, but I do not feel knowledgeable enough to share insight, secure enough to share about myself, nor connected enough to offer support. I am sorry if we 'lurkers' are bothersome. I feel that I have gotten to know you all, have taken so much, and feel guilt for not being able to offer anything in return, but I just have not found the courage to plunge in. I am sorry if all of the guests make regular posters uncomfortable. I can appreciate that and I am sorry.
Hi,
Like some others here, I too hardly ever log out, but that dosen't mean I am present all the time. Guess I am lazy and the fact for whatever reason I hate going thru the process of logging in.
There are also times I am present here but am logged out but the page may or may not be minimized. All of this depends on just how I am feeling or coping at that particular time or moment.
I feel bad so many times for not giving support to others in their time of need but so many times I feel inadequate to say anything to support or make them a little more at ease or to let them know I hear and feel for them.
Like UV it is very rare for me to ever shut down my system, Just too much hassle to start up again.
Like some others here, I too hardly ever log out, but that dosen't mean I am present all the time. Guess I am lazy and the fact for whatever reason I hate going thru the process of logging in.
There are also times I am present here but am logged out but the page may or may not be minimized. All of this depends on just how I am feeling or coping at that particular time or moment.
I feel bad so many times for not giving support to others in their time of need but so many times I feel inadequate to say anything to support or make them a little more at ease or to let them know I hear and feel for them.
Like UV it is very rare for me to ever shut down my system, Just too much hassle to start up again.
I've stopped worrying about it. I lurked for months and months before I ever posted a thing. I read, got to know people through their stories, found tons of stories that I could relate to and finally just decided to post and see how it went (obviously it went well 
) I don't blame people for lurking at all. I think what is dealt with here is really hard stuff and for some people just reading and connecting to others' stories might be enough to get them through a rough spot. For others they need to post and interact. Different things work for different people. I choose to be as vague as possible about identifying details, but other than that I am pretty open because that is how I get the most from the forum. I would drive myself crazy if I tried to think about who all might be reading.
I think the post counts are not indicative of #'s of people, because anytime someone clicks on a post it ups the post count. It is how many times a thread is opened (I think) rather than actual #'s of people.
I totally understand the vulnerability in posting here and worrying about others reading. I've chosen to look at it as a necessary vulnerability in order to get needs met that I couldn't get met elsewhere.
) I don't blame people for lurking at all. I think what is dealt with here is really hard stuff and for some people just reading and connecting to others' stories might be enough to get them through a rough spot. For others they need to post and interact. Different things work for different people. I choose to be as vague as possible about identifying details, but other than that I am pretty open because that is how I get the most from the forum. I would drive myself crazy if I tried to think about who all might be reading.I think the post counts are not indicative of #'s of people, because anytime someone clicks on a post it ups the post count. It is how many times a thread is opened (I think) rather than actual #'s of people.
I totally understand the vulnerability in posting here and worrying about others reading. I've chosen to look at it as a necessary vulnerability in order to get needs met that I couldn't get met elsewhere.
Hiya Jo...good questions here!
I am a former lurker, turned regualr poster. I ofetn don't log off.. even though I amy not be on here for long periods of time.
I just want ot say that I absolutely *love* the lurkers...strange sounding maybe...but I really do! I think that anybody who cares enough to read here about our problems and struggles, is either suffering themselves and will feel less alone from knowing others feel the same- or, they are trying to learn more, and I honor that as well. I do not think anybody reading here is voyeuristic or something like that. I kinda like knowing there are a whole bunch of people "out there" who can actually care about us or our stories as a part of the human family. It makes me feel less alone. and- the reality is that anyone who reads a post and doesn't reply to it is a lurker...so, we are *all* lurkers, really. And that is totally ok. There is sometimes just nothing to say, but in the reading, we *care.* Even if we say nothing. I can think of someone on here that I rarely, if ever reply to, whose story *deeply* touches me, and has affected me- but that I cannot somehow find the words I need to respond adequately to.. so, my response has been, that I...lurk.
But I totally respect the opinions of others...this is just mine- this is just how I feel about it. So from me to the lurkers....those who post and those who don't- hello!
I love your wonderfully honest posts, Jo...
hugs,
BB
I am a former lurker, turned regualr poster. I ofetn don't log off.. even though I amy not be on here for long periods of time.
I just want ot say that I absolutely *love* the lurkers...strange sounding maybe...but I really do! I think that anybody who cares enough to read here about our problems and struggles, is either suffering themselves and will feel less alone from knowing others feel the same- or, they are trying to learn more, and I honor that as well. I do not think anybody reading here is voyeuristic or something like that. I kinda like knowing there are a whole bunch of people "out there" who can actually care about us or our stories as a part of the human family. It makes me feel less alone. and- the reality is that anyone who reads a post and doesn't reply to it is a lurker...so, we are *all* lurkers, really. And that is totally ok. There is sometimes just nothing to say, but in the reading, we *care.* Even if we say nothing. I can think of someone on here that I rarely, if ever reply to, whose story *deeply* touches me, and has affected me- but that I cannot somehow find the words I need to respond adequately to.. so, my response has been, that I...lurk.
But I totally respect the opinions of others...this is just mine- this is just how I feel about it. So from me to the lurkers....those who post and those who don't- hello!
I love your wonderfully honest posts, Jo...
hugs,
BB
FlamingoDomingo (I love that name), Marsh and everyone, I strongly feel you're very welcome here whether you post never or a little or a lot.
I think it sometimes feels uncomfortable for people according to how they imagine the 'lurkers' (it's a terrible word - I like 'readers' better) but that's just part of the process of getting used to being open, which is what we do by posting here. With BB I love that there are readers who are getting something out of all the insight and experience shared here, and maybe it's helping them on their journeys too.
Jo, it is tricky to get used to, but I hope it is helping to talk it through. It's really normal to feel these concerns, I think.
Jones
I think it sometimes feels uncomfortable for people according to how they imagine the 'lurkers' (it's a terrible word - I like 'readers' better) but that's just part of the process of getting used to being open, which is what we do by posting here. With BB I love that there are readers who are getting something out of all the insight and experience shared here, and maybe it's helping them on their journeys too.
Jo, it is tricky to get used to, but I hope it is helping to talk it through. It's really normal to feel these concerns, I think.
Jones
I like to call them visitors and I tend to think that even being a witness to someone else's story, without participating in it, is an important role in the world, so I like them here too. I know many of us started out as visitors. I do understand, however, how it can be difficult for people who are expecting evaluation or judgement. It's like being in a public place and a dozen people look your direction. They may be looking at something or someone else, but it's hard not to notice it and wonder, right? 
oh yeah I mean I know that some people are just testing the waters and "lurk" (Now I wish I had used a nicer word because I didn't mean it in a bad way necessarily) for a while before posting. Or there are people who simply get a lot out of reading and probably don't want to post etc. I do get that but for some reason I got worried about things like the idea that what if this became the focus of a study? Lol Although I think in some ways that would be good because I think a lot of present and future Ts could learn a whole lot from this forum right along with the rest of us don't you? I guess I got PAD with a twist of paranoia. PPAD. Paranoid Posting Anxiety Disorder. Or how about Paranoid posting paralysis.
I don't know what is up with me lately on this whole front here. I get a lot out of coming here but something obviously is getting to me. I don't totally understand it. I do appreciate once again all the responses and certainly I don't want anyone to feel bad about "lurking" unless it is beyond personal reasons. Then I think "Well what is that about?" But if this forum can help anyone out then all the more power to them.
Right now I just feel I don't belong anywhere and I think it's coming out here. I finally have an incredibly helpful T in my life. and now I guess it seems that other things are falling apart or something.I seem to find reasons to not be around people. I mean it's pretty easy for me to walk away sometimes. Not here really. I like that this is not face to face here. I like that a lot. It makes it easier for me.
All of you had great responses and you all helped me in one way or another. Again!
Miss sensitivity today.
I would some day be interested starting a chat room like through skype or something. Wouldn't that be cool? (Maybe more scary too) But you can do that now.
Peace
I don't know what is up with me lately on this whole front here. I get a lot out of coming here but something obviously is getting to me. I don't totally understand it. I do appreciate once again all the responses and certainly I don't want anyone to feel bad about "lurking" unless it is beyond personal reasons. Then I think "Well what is that about?" But if this forum can help anyone out then all the more power to them.
Right now I just feel I don't belong anywhere and I think it's coming out here. I finally have an incredibly helpful T in my life. and now I guess it seems that other things are falling apart or something.I seem to find reasons to not be around people. I mean it's pretty easy for me to walk away sometimes. Not here really. I like that this is not face to face here. I like that a lot. It makes it easier for me.
All of you had great responses and you all helped me in one way or another. Again!
Miss sensitivity today.
I would some day be interested starting a chat room like through skype or something. Wouldn't that be cool? (Maybe more scary too) But you can do that now.
Peace
Jo - I almost posted about that paranoid thought you had (saying I know it is a concern to some people), but I was afraid of putting it into your (or other peoples') heads if it hadn't occured to them before. I try to see that as, yes, a very good thing if Ts are learning more about what it is like to be a client, so they can be better Ts. My T asked about this site and I almost wanted to tell him, "Yeah, OK, go ahead and read on here," but I felt like that would be invading other peoples' privacy, since they give their opinions on my therapy experience and might not want the person they are giving the opinions about reading it.
quote:I like that this is not face to face here. I like that a lot. It makes it easier for me.
I think if I told my T I was coming here for support she might be upset with me. One of my 'problem areas' is social anxiety. Some of my best friends are those I have never met face-to-face because I 'met' them on pregnancy forums. The internet is a place to bring people together. Maybe my T would think this is okay. I've hesitated to give a real intro and I have lurked for the most part for a few months now....I think I just may post a little bit more about me in the person stories/therapy section and try not to lurk so much. I don't think I'll tell T about this though, although, I know she wants me to go back to "group." Maybe I can just tell her I have (by being here) LOL
Ninn
ha ha, sorry about that DF- thanks for taking one for me, though, you rock.
(oh please, don't let this be page three! )
(oh please, don't let this be page three!
)
Hey BB it's not three!
UV
I think I know where my feelings of not belonging are coming from. After my dad died my immediate family (I don't have kids) fell apart. It was as though "The show was over" I mean it was like the whole idea of any kind of cohesive family was a facade. And it's still leaving me with my head spinning. My siblings basically almost hate each other. That surprised me and it saddens me. That is part of what is going on for me. I am sorry you can relate to feelings of not belonging. that is a painful place.
Ninn,
Yes I have social anxiety too. That's part of my problem too. I maybe rely too much on this form of interaction and need to get out about more. I am sorry that you are like me in that reguard as it is again so painful to be so reclusive.
UV
I think I know where my feelings of not belonging are coming from. After my dad died my immediate family (I don't have kids) fell apart. It was as though "The show was over" I mean it was like the whole idea of any kind of cohesive family was a facade. And it's still leaving me with my head spinning. My siblings basically almost hate each other. That surprised me and it saddens me. That is part of what is going on for me. I am sorry you can relate to feelings of not belonging. that is a painful place.
Ninn,
Yes I have social anxiety too. That's part of my problem too. I maybe rely too much on this form of interaction and need to get out about more. I am sorry that you are like me in that reguard as it is again so painful to be so reclusive.
Oh, Jo....my heart breaks when I read that your family fell apart after your dad died. My family fell apart as well when my father died. I can relate so well to your comment that "the show was over". Any sense of a normal family life was ripped out from under me. (((((Jo))))) so sorry that you have experienced that.
okay I just read through the responses here. I had to take the time to get up the nerve.
Yeah jones lurkers is a terrible word.
This is an official goodbye from me. I will not post here again.
I will be a "lurker" now myself. So you can count me in as one of those guests. I am sure over time that I will lose interest as I am not in the same place as so many of you are. I know so many agonize over your relationship with your Ts and I understand that but I have worked through and beyond that now. So I need a different sort of support.
I wish you all the best of luck. I promise I will never reverse this decision. Never. There will be no "I'm sorry this was a PAD moment" from me.
Thanks for allof your wonderful support. This is my own personal decision. I feel that if I stay here that I will become disruptive. I can just feel it. So for my own protection and yours I am leaving.
Yeah jones lurkers is a terrible word.
This is an official goodbye from me. I will not post here again.
I will be a "lurker" now myself. So you can count me in as one of those guests. I am sure over time that I will lose interest as I am not in the same place as so many of you are. I know so many agonize over your relationship with your Ts and I understand that but I have worked through and beyond that now. So I need a different sort of support.
I wish you all the best of luck. I promise I will never reverse this decision. Never. There will be no "I'm sorry this was a PAD moment" from me.
Thanks for allof your wonderful support. This is my own personal decision. I feel that if I stay here that I will become disruptive. I can just feel it. So for my own protection and yours I am leaving.
Jo
I'm very sorry to hear that you are going but will respect that you know what you need to heal. I have really enjoyed being back in touch and am sad to lose that again so soon. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. Your intention of not returning is crystal clear but I still want to say that you will always be welcome here. Please take care.
AG
I'm very sorry to hear that you are going but will respect that you know what you need to heal. I have really enjoyed being back in touch and am sad to lose that again so soon. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. Your intention of not returning is crystal clear but I still want to say that you will always be welcome here. Please take care.
AG
Just wanted to add that you may see me logged in for a short while here as I try to arrange to recind my membership. Sorry about that.
Jo, just to be clear, I didn't mean at all to criticize you for using the word 'lurkers'. It's what they're called, you know? You didn't make the word up - it's just part of the language we inherit and that's what I was commenting on.
But I'm not sure what has upset you. I know it's hard to be here. Go well.
Jones
But I'm not sure what has upset you. I know it's hard to be here. Go well.
Jones
(((Jo))) I respect your decision, but am sorry to see you go. I hope you find somewhere that fits the sort of support you need for your therapy and appreciate the short time I got to know you.
Jo, I too am sorry to see you go, I have enjoyed reading your posts, you have a lot of insight. I hope that you are able to find the kind of support that you are looking for.
Take care
Butterfly
Take care
Butterfly
I'm sorry to see you go. With AG, I understand that you have no intention of returning, and don't want to sound as if i'm ignoring your own decision- but I still have to say it- you are always welcome here, disruptive or not. ( I have not found you in the least disruptive, however, I understand that those are strong feelings for you)
Just know that if you cahnge your mind, nobody will think anything of it- we have lots of us done the same thing, I recently said goodbyes and started deleting posts even, only to rethink it a day or so later, and everybody was like- "oh, hey, ok,BB- welcome back!"
hugs, Jo- it's been real.
BB
Just know that if you cahnge your mind, nobody will think anything of it- we have lots of us done the same thing, I recently said goodbyes and started deleting posts even, only to rethink it a day or so later, and everybody was like- "oh, hey, ok,BB- welcome back!"
hugs, Jo- it's been real.
BB
Jo,
Just wanted to say I am sorry to see you go - I enjoyed your posts and I think it's really helpful to get a balance from those in a similar place on their T journeys as well as those who have moved on or are in a diferent place. so from that perspective I feel you have a lot to give us. But I totally respect your decision and wish you very well.
Take care,
starfishy
Just wanted to say I am sorry to see you go - I enjoyed your posts and I think it's really helpful to get a balance from those in a similar place on their T journeys as well as those who have moved on or are in a diferent place. so from that perspective I feel you have a lot to give us. But I totally respect your decision and wish you very well.
Take care,
starfishy
Oh bugger.....Jo, if you are still reading....sorry, am struggling at the moment with what I say does not matter...but feel like I may have contributed to your decision because of my thread. I have not been about for a couple of days, but responded earlier that I totally DO get where you where coming from...it does feel very exposed...and I too suffer from PPAD I enjoy reading your input Jo, I am so early on in my journey...I find everything I read here so helpful...Please...don't go...I feel guilty...and it's a really big issue for me...i'm sorry if I have upset you 
((((Jo))))
I enjoy reading your input Jo, I am so early on in my journey...I find everything I read here so helpful...Please...don't go...I feel guilty...and it's a really big issue for me...i'm sorry if I have upset you ((((Jo))))
I just wrote this on another post but I wanted to put it here too.
I just want to say something about this. I suspect that Jo is a long time internet user because the term "lurker" is a common word used to describe people who watch but don't participate. It is a commonly used internet term. I don't think that he or she was trying to offend anyone.
It is even written about in wikipedia or even the urban dictionary
"In Internet culture, a lurker is a person who reads discussions on a message board, newsgroup, chatroom, file sharing or other interactive system, but rarely or never participates actively. Research indicates that "lurkers make up over 90% of online groups" (Nonnecke & Preece 2000). Lack of trust represents one of the reasons explaining lurking behavior (Ridings, Gefen & Arinze 2006)."
I just want to say something about this. I suspect that Jo is a long time internet user because the term "lurker" is a common word used to describe people who watch but don't participate. It is a commonly used internet term. I don't think that he or she was trying to offend anyone.
It is even written about in wikipedia or even the urban dictionary
"In Internet culture, a lurker is a person who reads discussions on a message board, newsgroup, chatroom, file sharing or other interactive system, but rarely or never participates actively. Research indicates that "lurkers make up over 90% of online groups" (Nonnecke & Preece 2000). Lack of trust represents one of the reasons explaining lurking behavior (Ridings, Gefen & Arinze 2006)."
Hi, Learning to Fly- I like your screen name! Welcome. I just want to say, that I know Jones, I and I know very well that her suggestion about using the word "readers" as opposed to the word "lurkers" was intended as a musing suggestion for *all* of us- herself included- who frequently use the term, as a suggestion that maybe we could all consider switching to a gentler term. In fact she clarified that in an earlier post on this thread. It was in no way intended to single Jo out, or make her feel bad for saying something that every one of us says from time to time. And it's not a big deal to say it really. She is not a person who would do that- nor is Jo someone who would use that word to hurt our "readers." As Jones said, it's just a word that we all use.
Your concern for Jo comes right through in your post though. And that's kind. It's easy for things to get misinterpreted on these boards because of not having access to body language and facial expression.
Thanks for posting!
Welcome here!
hugs,
BB
As Jones said, it's just a word that we all use. Your concern for Jo comes right through in your post though.
And that's kind. It's easy for things to get misinterpreted on these boards because of not having access to body language and facial expression. Thanks for posting!
Welcome here!
hugs,
BB
I didn't even recall about Jo specifically using the term lurkers on here... yeah, like bb said, I didn't suggest lurkers was a bad term to use. I didn't suggest "readers" terribly seriously and mostly to just make a point that I don't see lurkers as out of the group b/c they are lurkers - or having less input or valubleness to the forums because they are lurkers and don't generally post. i like to get to know poeple more, but there is never any pressure to post or not post around here. so we are actually on the same page a bit I think... I dunno. I have mixed up head today that is rather foggy. take care all.
Hey Jane, I think we both suggested the same thing at different times, for the same reasons. Twins!
I think I put it a bit harshly, saying it was a 'terrible' word. I certainly didn't mean any of us, including Jo, was terrible for using it. I've used it often myself. I just mean that without us intending it it conjures up these images of people who maybe have ill intent, which is very likely not true. So yes, as Beebs writes, I meant it (I'm sure JD did too) just as a musing for all of us. Thanks Beebs. And L2F, I appreciate your care and thoughtfulness in this and the background too.
Jo, wherever you are, if my wording was a part of you leaving or it hurt you at all I am so sorry.
Take care,
Jones
I think I put it a bit harshly, saying it was a 'terrible' word. I certainly didn't mean any of us, including Jo, was terrible for using it. I've used it often myself. I just mean that without us intending it it conjures up these images of people who maybe have ill intent, which is very likely not true. So yes, as Beebs writes, I meant it (I'm sure JD did too) just as a musing for all of us. Thanks Beebs. And L2F, I appreciate your care and thoughtfulness in this and the background too.
Jo, wherever you are, if my wording was a part of you leaving or it hurt you at all I am so sorry.
Take care,
Jones