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quote:One of my biggest fears in life short of intimacy and loss of control is that I will come across as a complainer, whiner, pouter, etc. So I am worried my T secretly thinks this about me but I don't know if it's true, or transference, or a little of both.
I could really relate to this specific statement and your post as a whole. I don't think you've ever come across as any of those things, but I constantly feel those ways about myself. And when discussing therapy or being IN therapy, it's probably nearly impossible to not feel that way at least some of the time, because the point is to discuss how you are feeling, how things affect you. It feels as if things shouldn't be allowed to affect you, right? And, especially since these things were partially foreseeable when you chose to visit. However, I absolutely don't think something being foreseeable negates your right to any of the (very justifiable) feelings that arose or you processing them in therapy.
As much as it would be nice if we could avoid all conflict and triggers, that isn't really what the growth you're doing in therapy is about. And, coming through this, you have a LOT of growth to be proud of. I think it's so important to acknowledge both the struggles and the victories that you experienced on this trip and to have support and validation there. That said, I have trouble even talking about the "stuff" that brought me into counseling in the first place, which is the ongoing family conflict stemming from the incident that happened a year and a half ago. Why? Because, I made my choices in how to deal with that...choices that very many people who are important to me may never totally "get." And even though T has nothing but admiration about the way I've handled myself throughout, it is hard for me to even mention how it affects me, because I feel like I "made my own bed" in a way. So, from that perspective, I think I get what you are feeling...
On a side note, I wanted to say that I am proud (in a totally non-condescending, admiring something that I am striving for within myself sort of way) of you standing up for yourself. I am so sorry about you being treated in that way by people who should give you care and support and the confusion of loving people who have the power and inclination to hurt you so much. (((hugs))) to you.
DF,
I struggle with this a lot, too.
Yep, I really relate to this. There is a lot of stuff I haven't told my T (nothing that's really big, but stuff that would probably be relevant) because of this conundrum. There's something that's happened this weekend that I feel like I should tell my T about, but one of the reasons I don't want to is because I feel like I created it, it's my fault, so I have no right to be hurt about it or to feel anything about it.
I relate to this, too. Earlier today I found out something that would normally cause someone to be pretty upset and disturbed but it's like...I acknowledged the thought and then it was gone. Later on I thought about it again and the impact of it hit me a little bit, but I still have trouble connecting.
You know something I've noticed though is that although I believe most everything to be my fault, I also am too afraid of those things coloring my T's judgment of me. For instance, one reason I'm afraid to tell T about what happened is because I believe it's my fault, but I also don't want her to think I'm a bad person, so I just won't acknowledge the event. Kind of self-richeous when I think about it.
Maybe one thing you can use as a way to trick yourself into telling your T (
) is that the storm and being stuck at your parents' house certainly wasn't foreseeable! How differently do you think the trip would have been if you hadn't had to stay there overnight?
I struggle with this a lot, too.
quote:where talking about negative things or things I need to process is wrong. I just assume my T is sitting there saying 'you did this to yourself... I'm not going to listen to this sh*t'. On the same token here I have trouble talking about things that "aren't" my fault too because I don't like coming across as a victim.
Yep, I really relate to this. There is a lot of stuff I haven't told my T (nothing that's really big, but stuff that would probably be relevant) because of this conundrum. There's something that's happened this weekend that I feel like I should tell my T about, but one of the reasons I don't want to is because I feel like I created it, it's my fault, so I have no right to be hurt about it or to feel anything about it.
quote:Sometimes I have to really concentrate hard to have negative thoughts about something because it just wasn't allowed growing up
I relate to this, too. Earlier today I found out something that would normally cause someone to be pretty upset and disturbed but it's like...I acknowledged the thought and then it was gone. Later on I thought about it again and the impact of it hit me a little bit, but I still have trouble connecting.
You know something I've noticed though is that although I believe most everything to be my fault, I also am too afraid of those things coloring my T's judgment of me. For instance, one reason I'm afraid to tell T about what happened is because I believe it's my fault, but I also don't want her to think I'm a bad person, so I just won't acknowledge the event. Kind of self-richeous when I think about it.
Maybe one thing you can use as a way to trick yourself into telling your T (
) is that the storm and being stuck at your parents' house certainly wasn't foreseeable! How differently do you think the trip would have been if you hadn't had to stay there overnight?
Hi Deepfried,
I don't know if I have the same thing, but what you described reminds me a LOT this. If I can understand "why" someone did what they did, then I don't have the "right" to be hurt.
For example, if I can "understand" why my mother felt and acted the way she did when I was a kid...then I should be able to let it go, right? If I try to process any feelings around how that kid felt, before I knew "why", then that's when I get that feeling that I'm asking for too much or being too much of a victim.
Hearing you describe it, I can really see how this must come from not being allowed to have needs as kids...but when I'm in my own therapy, it's just as slippery...my T has tried to get me to actually feel without deflecting the pain away one way or the other...there have only been a few moments when she succeeded for a little bit...we learned well, didn't we?
Something else that came to mind as I was reading your post...you say you don't deserve to feel hurt, because you set this up, "asked" for it, knew it was coming. I would like to gently suggest another way of looking at it. You are right about part of it...you voluntarily CHOSE to go back for a visit, KNOWING what you were getting in to. May I suggest that this makes you, not a fool who deserves something bad, but a hero who deserves all the support she can get? That was really courageous of you to go back for a visit. You didn't have to do that. You could have stayed away forever. Lots of people do. You had a lot of new knowledge and coping skills going in, and maybe part of you wanted to see how you could handle this now. And you still got hurt...but not as bad. So in my eyes, you deserve all the support you can get to tend to the injuries you did sustain...especially BECAUSE you did this knowingly and willingly.
This makes me think of someone who survives a horrible housefire...then learns to be a firefighter...and then voluntarily tries to help put out a housefire. Or someone who almost drowns...then learns how to swim...and then tries to rescue drowning people. You faced your fears in this visit and that was truly heroic IMO. I wonder if you keep that in mind, if somehow you can let some care in?
Many hugs,
SG
quote:I'm struggling with some SU and SI feelings, and my feelings are hurt and things are stirred up. I feel like I am not "allowed" (not by my T, but more an internal permission) to bring it up, or be hurt, or feel triggered because I did this to myself.
quote:Does anyone else feel this way? Am I right/wrong in assuming that other people are also uncomfortable with this kind of thing?
I don't know if I have the same thing, but what you described reminds me a LOT this. If I can understand "why" someone did what they did, then I don't have the "right" to be hurt.
For example, if I can "understand" why my mother felt and acted the way she did when I was a kid...then I should be able to let it go, right? If I try to process any feelings around how that kid felt, before I knew "why", then that's when I get that feeling that I'm asking for too much or being too much of a victim.
Hearing you describe it, I can really see how this must come from not being allowed to have needs as kids...but when I'm in my own therapy, it's just as slippery...my T has tried to get me to actually feel without deflecting the pain away one way or the other...there have only been a few moments when she succeeded for a little bit...we learned well, didn't we?
Something else that came to mind as I was reading your post...you say you don't deserve to feel hurt, because you set this up, "asked" for it, knew it was coming. I would like to gently suggest another way of looking at it. You are right about part of it...you voluntarily CHOSE to go back for a visit, KNOWING what you were getting in to. May I suggest that this makes you, not a fool who deserves something bad, but a hero who deserves all the support she can get? That was really courageous of you to go back for a visit. You didn't have to do that. You could have stayed away forever. Lots of people do. You had a lot of new knowledge and coping skills going in, and maybe part of you wanted to see how you could handle this now. And you still got hurt...but not as bad. So in my eyes, you deserve all the support you can get to tend to the injuries you did sustain...especially BECAUSE you did this knowingly and willingly.
This makes me think of someone who survives a horrible housefire...then learns to be a firefighter...and then voluntarily tries to help put out a housefire. Or someone who almost drowns...then learns how to swim...and then tries to rescue drowning people. You faced your fears in this visit and that was truly heroic IMO. I wonder if you keep that in mind, if somehow you can let some care in?
Many hugs,
SG
Perhaps it you drop the process the feelings thought and insert understand why I am feeling this you would see it more objectively. Look at it as something you are interested in understanding better and how all the "players" fit into it?
Hi DeepFried,
I don't think your T is judging you for the decisions you make, right or wrong. We all have times when we give in to the negative feelings and behaviors and that's part of being human. It's a process. My rule is full disclosure with my T, even if it is the same old story. He/she is there for you. If you are hiding something from him/her, may be it would help to look at that, to tell the T that you thought you should withhold this and why. What happened when you were a child is not going to happen here. You weren't complaining and you aren't now.
I don't think your T is judging you for the decisions you make, right or wrong. We all have times when we give in to the negative feelings and behaviors and that's part of being human. It's a process. My rule is full disclosure with my T, even if it is the same old story. He/she is there for you. If you are hiding something from him/her, may be it would help to look at that, to tell the T that you thought you should withhold this and why. What happened when you were a child is not going to happen here. You weren't complaining and you aren't now.