Edited by Request of Member
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quote:When I go in to new situations I like them to be completely spelled out for me. What I will see, what I should do, what will happen, etc. I research everything I do, even if I'm going to an amusement park I will know the map, where things are, what they are called, etc so that I can avoid being lost, etc. It's like infusing boy-scout preparedness with hyper-vigilant anxiety.
DF - Yes, I can completely relate to this. It drives H crazy about me, but it is one of my ways of being safe. Mistakes = attention = criticism or abuse. So, my way of surviving in most situations is to attempt to know what I am walking into ahead of time, have a plan for various contingencies and then attempt to do things right enough (but quietly enough) to not get noticed. Getting noticed is bad. That's one of the reasons I choose to play drums at church instead of guitar...because I can hide better (the drums are in the corner, they block most people from seeing me very well and many people don't even notice them as long as you don't make a huge mistake.
If I am going somewhere new, I look up the directions and map and read them over a few times. If I have an appointment, I will check the time and place over and over, check everything I am supposed to have prepared, get their early to allow for getting turned around. I wouldn't really call it OCD, but it is compulsive for me in a way.
Anyway, I guess I'm saying I know what a big deal this must be. I've done quite a few new things this year that I absolutely knew I would make mistakes in (and not be able to hide them) and it has been terrifying and crippling at times. Really proud of you for even attempting such a task!!! (((hugs)))
(((((DF))))
Are you figuratively joining a chorus or literally? Either way, good for you and I hope you do whatever it is you want to do. Singing is wonderful. I feel so good when I am singing.
xoxoxo
Liese
Are you figuratively joining a chorus or literally? Either way, good for you and I hope you do whatever it is you want to do. Singing is wonderful. I feel so good when I am singing.
xoxoxo
Liese
DF,
Count me in!
I HATE new situtations for that very reason. I know getting hyper-vigilant actually makes me more prone to come off as crazy and not fitting it, but it's hard to shut that down. I know for me it stems from three things having to do with my past.
The first is that my dad was REALLY unpredictable in a predictable way. Once he started drinking, you could be almost positive that things would turn ugly, but you could never be sure what would set him off each time. So you were constantly looking around and watching what you were doing, trying to avoid that misstep that would set him off. So when I'm in a new situation, I am looking for the rules and the understanding that will keep me safe. (There's two really skewed things about this belief. 1) There was no way to avoid a misstep because it really wasn't about what I was doing, it was about my father's need to vent his rage, fear, etc. He could always find SOMETHING and it was never the same thing. 2) If I make a mistake now, no one is likely to react with the intensity or violence my father did, so the stakes aren't nearly as high. But try telling THAT to my limbic system.)
The other problem is that I had to focus OUTWARD on other people's needs in order to keep myself safe. My feelings and needs had to often be denied and unacknowledged. But in a new situation I do not know the other people well enough yet to know their needs and I have no access to mine, so how in the world would I know how to behave?
The third is that for most people with a significant trauma background, how their families did things seemed normal, no matter how abusive it would be to the outside world. It usually comes as a shock when we get old enough to venture out into the world and get to know how other families operate and other people behave to realize that it's not like that for all people. Well if our family is THAT different, then we are that different and how can we trust ourselves to behave in a "normal" manner?
All that said, take comfort in something very important in human nature. We're all so busy worrying about how we're doing, that we don't really spare too much attention for how other people are doing. You can also take comfort that MOST people, like yourself, I've seen you do it, KNOW that someone new is going to be nervous, and will extend both understanding if there's a mistake made and help getting you acclimated.
I think it's wonderful you're going to do this, and very brave. Enjoy the music!!
AG
Count me in!
I HATE new situtations for that very reason. I know getting hyper-vigilant actually makes me more prone to come off as crazy and not fitting it, but it's hard to shut that down. I know for me it stems from three things having to do with my past. The first is that my dad was REALLY unpredictable in a predictable way. Once he started drinking, you could be almost positive that things would turn ugly, but you could never be sure what would set him off each time. So you were constantly looking around and watching what you were doing, trying to avoid that misstep that would set him off. So when I'm in a new situation, I am looking for the rules and the understanding that will keep me safe. (There's two really skewed things about this belief. 1) There was no way to avoid a misstep because it really wasn't about what I was doing, it was about my father's need to vent his rage, fear, etc. He could always find SOMETHING and it was never the same thing. 2) If I make a mistake now, no one is likely to react with the intensity or violence my father did, so the stakes aren't nearly as high. But try telling THAT to my limbic system.)
The other problem is that I had to focus OUTWARD on other people's needs in order to keep myself safe. My feelings and needs had to often be denied and unacknowledged. But in a new situation I do not know the other people well enough yet to know their needs and I have no access to mine, so how in the world would I know how to behave?
The third is that for most people with a significant trauma background, how their families did things seemed normal, no matter how abusive it would be to the outside world. It usually comes as a shock when we get old enough to venture out into the world and get to know how other families operate and other people behave to realize that it's not like that for all people. Well if our family is THAT different, then we are that different and how can we trust ourselves to behave in a "normal" manner?
All that said, take comfort in something very important in human nature. We're all so busy worrying about how we're doing, that we don't really spare too much attention for how other people are doing.
You can also take comfort that MOST people, like yourself, I've seen you do it, KNOW that someone new is going to be nervous, and will extend both understanding if there's a mistake made and help getting you acclimated. I think it's wonderful you're going to do this, and very brave. Enjoy the music!!
AG
How did it go, DF? Hope you were able to make yourself go, but understand if you weren't. Taking those huge steps can be terrifying, but so healing if/when we force ourselves to feel the fear and do it anyway.
MTF
MTF