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((((((BB)))))
Feeling a bit in the dumps today myself so I can't offer much of anything except I know the pain sucks and I wish it would stop for both of us and everybody else for that matter
Xoxo
Love
Liese
Feeling a bit in the dumps today myself so I can't offer much of anything except I know the pain sucks and I wish it would stop for both of us and everybody else for that matter
Xoxo
Love
Liese
((((Liese)))) sorry you are down today. You have offered so much to me today and I will get back to my thread when I can spend some time on it. Thank you for typing to me via phone which is not easy I know.
((((Beebs)))) those googling episodes can lead to a lot of pain. I'm not sure if I should say I'm sorry you found the podcast or not. but I will say that just hearing that GuruT is doing the podcast from the HOME of a former client makes me think his boundaries are not where they should be.
I don't think you should doubt that there was counter-transferece with you based on the podcast. Yeah he sounds good on the podcast (reasonable, knowledgeable etc) but that was because he was not interacting with someone in an intimate relationship where boundaries are important and enmeshment would be a possibility. So maybe he's a great lecturer and/or teacher but still a lousy T. Or maybe he was an okay T for other issues but not your particular issues.
I know you miss him and that warm feeling you got once in awhile from him but you are in better hands now and your decision to leave was absolutely the right one. I miss my oldT too. And i miss the warm fuzzies and the hugs from my oldT too. I miss how he would smile at me and how his eyes would crinkle when he did. I miss how excited he would get when we shared certain things. I never seem to get my new T excited about anything. I can rarely make him laugh. And lately we can barely sit in the same room together. But I know that he is a much better T and if I can bear to tolerate the lack of warm fuzzies I have a better chance of healing. It's just freakin painful.
I'm sorry you are struggling.
Hugs
TN
((((Beebs)))) those googling episodes can lead to a lot of pain. I'm not sure if I should say I'm sorry you found the podcast or not. but I will say that just hearing that GuruT is doing the podcast from the HOME of a former client makes me think his boundaries are not where they should be.
I don't think you should doubt that there was counter-transferece with you based on the podcast. Yeah he sounds good on the podcast (reasonable, knowledgeable etc) but that was because he was not interacting with someone in an intimate relationship where boundaries are important and enmeshment would be a possibility. So maybe he's a great lecturer and/or teacher but still a lousy T. Or maybe he was an okay T for other issues but not your particular issues.
I know you miss him and that warm feeling you got once in awhile from him but you are in better hands now and your decision to leave was absolutely the right one. I miss my oldT too. And i miss the warm fuzzies and the hugs from my oldT too. I miss how he would smile at me and how his eyes would crinkle when he did. I miss how excited he would get when we shared certain things. I never seem to get my new T excited about anything. I can rarely make him laugh. And lately we can barely sit in the same room together. But I know that he is a much better T and if I can bear to tolerate the lack of warm fuzzies I have a better chance of healing. It's just freakin painful.
I'm sorry you are struggling.
Hugs
TN
I know how much finding this kind of information can hurt. ((((((((BB)))))))) I am sorry you are suffering.
Butterfly
Butterfly
Beebs, this is such a painful thing.
I was with oldT last week and her voice was what sent me off onto a painful experience - I had forgotten how powerful and painful it was to hear someone you used to love.
TN said something that I realised this week. My OldT was pretty useless for me, BUT i have no doubt that she will be a wonderful T with other people with different issues than me or ones that just need CBT work. She is a great T but not for me.
The "but maybe if..." or the "if only...." go around in our heads for so long....
Hope your pain settles Beebs.
I was with oldT last week and her voice was what sent me off onto a painful experience - I had forgotten how powerful and painful it was to hear someone you used to love.
TN said something that I realised this week. My OldT was pretty useless for me, BUT i have no doubt that she will be a wonderful T with other people with different issues than me or ones that just need CBT work. She is a great T but not for me.
The "but maybe if..." or the "if only...." go around in our heads for so long....
Hope your pain settles Beebs.
thanks guys- sorry I had to delete.
((((BB))))) 
((((Liese, TN, Butterfly, Somedays and Yaku))))))
You guys are the sweetest. I'm sorry I deleted what I wrote. I was in a bad place yesterday, and I get all "deletey" when I feel like that, for some reason.
I appreciate the sympathy- it was difficult to hear his voice and so recent a lecture. I felt somehow, outside, looking in. It was triggery to feel, that I would never be a part of a group like that. I wished I could have seen him, not just heard it- and I was sad because the question and answer period was cut off. It was very helpful, and reminded me of many things he taught me that were very useful in my marital relationship.
I wanted to clarify that I thought the podcast the podcast wasn't from the home of the former client, but I think it actually was. The client mentioned on the website that he had given a lecture in their home for a few people, it sounded like.
I don't know if that makes any difference. It is part of a small circle of people, and not a particulalrly psychologically oriented bunch, but more philosophical.
anyhow.
Today I am just surviving. I had a session with Cowboy. It it just *so* boring lately. I don't know why I keep going, I bore myself silly.
Cowboy forgot to book the sessions ahead of time that he had told me he would "grab" for me. But he booked a bunch out in January, which was kind.
So I have a few weeks break now, and will see him again on the 21st. It's the kind of thing that would have completely spun me out with Guru T, but with Cowboy I guess I just think.."oh well." Probably a healthier response. I don't expect him to care about or remember me, or stuff that we've gone over, really, I just think, well, he probably doesn't and why should he...I'm nobody to him. I'm glad he doesn't "care" like Guru T did, but..I also feel kinda like it is pointless.
But I kind of miss the emotional intensity I felt with Guru. I mean.. it's good to not be in pain over the relationship that can never really exist, but- at the same time I'm wondering if some part of me has just completely shut off, or something. I feel so apathetic, still. It's quite frustrating to go there week after week, and feel nothing much at all, beyond pretty sleepy.
We talk about stuff. It is goofy, that the only things that stand out, is not therapy stuff, but...the little comments. When I told him he was a "dork" and he laughed and made like he was writing it down in my file, while murmring "patient calls therapist a dork...it is a correct assessment.."
then the other thing that caught my attention, was, I was telling him about some of these transferential relationships I've always had. At one point he said something about..were these guys attracted to you, too? and I said.."well, yeah. I used to be really cute. so yeah, the old guys liked me, I guess." And Cowboy said "Why do you say "used to be? aren't you still cute?" Or something like that.
It was totally appropriate and safe- but it made me sit up, for some reason. Now why would he say a thing like that, I wonder?
Cowboy does not touch my arm when I leave anymore.
I just go there looking for a bit of care and kindness and warmth, interest in me- not to do therapy. It is silly- how do I ever get past this one? I want to get better, but I do not know how. I'm trying so hard with my H, really I am, because I know that is the most important thing, developing the relationship with him, not some T- but..it feels like I get so little back from him. He is just not interested in me. So I go looking ofr love elsewhere, but it's not available to me there, either.
there is my update. I will be ok. I'm not hurting, or anything, I am fine, but I just wanted to thank you for the responses, and to give a little update.
Much love,
BB
You guys are the sweetest. I'm sorry I deleted what I wrote. I was in a bad place yesterday, and I get all "deletey" when I feel like that, for some reason.
I appreciate the sympathy- it was difficult to hear his voice and so recent a lecture. I felt somehow, outside, looking in. It was triggery to feel, that I would never be a part of a group like that. I wished I could have seen him, not just heard it- and I was sad because the question and answer period was cut off. It was very helpful, and reminded me of many things he taught me that were very useful in my marital relationship.
I wanted to clarify that I thought the podcast the podcast wasn't from the home of the former client, but I think it actually was. The client mentioned on the website that he had given a lecture in their home for a few people, it sounded like.
I don't know if that makes any difference. It is part of a small circle of people, and not a particulalrly psychologically oriented bunch, but more philosophical.
anyhow.
Today I am just surviving. I had a session with Cowboy. It it just *so* boring lately. I don't know why I keep going, I bore myself silly.
Cowboy forgot to book the sessions ahead of time that he had told me he would "grab" for me. But he booked a bunch out in January, which was kind.
So I have a few weeks break now, and will see him again on the 21st. It's the kind of thing that would have completely spun me out with Guru T, but with Cowboy I guess I just think.."oh well." Probably a healthier response. I don't expect him to care about or remember me, or stuff that we've gone over, really, I just think, well, he probably doesn't and why should he...I'm nobody to him. I'm glad he doesn't "care" like Guru T did, but..I also feel kinda like it is pointless.
But I kind of miss the emotional intensity I felt with Guru. I mean.. it's good to not be in pain over the relationship that can never really exist, but- at the same time I'm wondering if some part of me has just completely shut off, or something. I feel so apathetic, still. It's quite frustrating to go there week after week, and feel nothing much at all, beyond pretty sleepy.
We talk about stuff. It is goofy, that the only things that stand out, is not therapy stuff, but...the little comments. When I told him he was a "dork" and he laughed and made like he was writing it down in my file, while murmring "patient calls therapist a dork...it is a correct assessment.."
then the other thing that caught my attention, was, I was telling him about some of these transferential relationships I've always had. At one point he said something about..were these guys attracted to you, too? and I said.."well, yeah. I used to be really cute. so yeah, the old guys liked me, I guess." And Cowboy said "Why do you say "used to be? aren't you still cute?" Or something like that. It was totally appropriate and safe- but it made me sit up, for some reason. Now why would he say a thing like that, I wonder?
Cowboy does not touch my arm when I leave anymore.
I just go there looking for a bit of care and kindness and warmth, interest in me- not to do therapy. It is silly- how do I ever get past this one? I want to get better, but I do not know how. I'm trying so hard with my H, really I am, because I know that is the most important thing, developing the relationship with him, not some T- but..it feels like I get so little back from him. He is just not interested in me. So I go looking ofr love elsewhere, but it's not available to me there, either.
there is my update. I will be ok. I'm not hurting, or anything, I am fine, but I just wanted to thank you for the responses, and to give a little update.
Much love,
BB
Beebs, thanks for the update. I'm glad you could share it with us. You may be (like me) feeling kinda numb to anything as a way of protecting yourself from further pain. And that feeling that you are lost and don't know how to do therapy any more... that is a familiar feeling to me too. I think Cowboy asked you if you think you are still cute because he's trying to get a handle on your self-esteem and how you see yourself now? Maybe it was a gentle prod for information.
Do you miss that touch on the arm? My T didn't pat me last session and I think because I seemed so hostile and upset. He does not always pat my arm, usually after really emotionally tough sessions.
I also know the feeling you got from that podcast... like the outsider, the not belonging any longer and grieving that loss. It was like those times I would drive by my oldT's office and know he was there with other clients. That HE chose to eliminate me and keep the others because they were good clients and I must have done something awful to be so banished. There was this one car that I knew belonged to a blonde woman who saw him sometimes after my appointment on Monday and when I would see her car parked in front it would send me into hysterical tears of absolute grief and desolation. I'm sorry you have to feel that grief too.
I know you don't feel like it means anything right now but you need to keep going to see Cowboy and talking to him about whatever is on your mind. It takes time but eventually it begins to make sense. It's so hard to establish a new T relationshp when the previous one has hurt us so badly.
(((((Beebs))))
TN
Do you miss that touch on the arm? My T didn't pat me last session and I think because I seemed so hostile and upset. He does not always pat my arm, usually after really emotionally tough sessions.
I also know the feeling you got from that podcast... like the outsider, the not belonging any longer and grieving that loss. It was like those times I would drive by my oldT's office and know he was there with other clients. That HE chose to eliminate me and keep the others because they were good clients and I must have done something awful to be so banished. There was this one car that I knew belonged to a blonde woman who saw him sometimes after my appointment on Monday and when I would see her car parked in front it would send me into hysterical tears of absolute grief and desolation. I'm sorry you have to feel that grief too.
I know you don't feel like it means anything right now but you need to keep going to see Cowboy and talking to him about whatever is on your mind. It takes time but eventually it begins to make sense. It's so hard to establish a new T relationshp when the previous one has hurt us so badly.
(((((Beebs))))
TN
((((Beebs))))
It makes sense, BB, if you've numbed out to keep yourself from feeling more pain since you've been through so much with guruT. I agree with TN about why Cowboy asked why you said "used to be." Hehe, I intentionally avoid saying things like that just to avoid the subsequent question! Because I feel like I'll just be too morose and depressing.
I can't imagine how hard (and yet comforting at the same time) it must have been to hear that podcast. And gosh, to think he was in a former client's house? That's tough, Beebs.
Honestly, I think I went to therapy for a long while just wanting to experience someone who cared before I actually started "doing" therapy. But the thing is - you're already doing therapy. Just by going and allowing yourself to experience care and warmth from another person, which may be a foreign experience, is therapy in itself. I don't know your T, but I suspect that maybe part of the reason it doesn't feel like you get much back from him is because you go for care and warmth, but won't allow yourself to fully experience what it feels like to embrace the connection. I STILL have tons of trouble doing that. It's not easy.
Anyway, thanks for updating and letting us know how you're doing.
Love,
K
It makes sense, BB, if you've numbed out to keep yourself from feeling more pain since you've been through so much with guruT. I agree with TN about why Cowboy asked why you said "used to be." Hehe, I intentionally avoid saying things like that just to avoid the subsequent question! Because I feel like I'll just be too morose and depressing.
I can't imagine how hard (and yet comforting at the same time) it must have been to hear that podcast. And gosh, to think he was in a former client's house? That's tough, Beebs.
Honestly, I think I went to therapy for a long while just wanting to experience someone who cared before I actually started "doing" therapy. But the thing is - you're already doing therapy. Just by going and allowing yourself to experience care and warmth from another person, which may be a foreign experience, is therapy in itself. I don't know your T, but I suspect that maybe part of the reason it doesn't feel like you get much back from him is because you go for care and warmth, but won't allow yourself to fully experience what it feels like to embrace the connection. I STILL have tons of trouble doing that. It's not easy.
Anyway, thanks for updating and letting us know how you're doing.
Love,
K
Thank you TN, thank you Kashley. (((TN and Kashley)))
TN, I don't really miss the touch on the arm...I just *notice* it when he doesn't do it, and feel mildly curious, why he does that sometimes, and not others. I wonder if it has to do with, if I am feeling bad, or have been crying? that's a thought- maybe that was why he did it before. Somehow that is quite a concept for me! sheesh. I almost wish I had the same reactions and intensity of feelings in therapy as I did with Guru, but I just don't. It's all shut down somehow. But I do appreciate his kindness.
Kashley, for me it was oppostie, at least with Cowboy- I started off doing therapy, quite quickly with him- and it felt good to be kind of getting somewhere in terms of being able to talk openly about my issues with someone. I was doing great, and feeling lots better. But now...pffft. I just kind of fizzled. Probably need more drugs.
TN, I don't really miss the touch on the arm...I just *notice* it when he doesn't do it, and feel mildly curious, why he does that sometimes, and not others. I wonder if it has to do with, if I am feeling bad, or have been crying? that's a thought- maybe that was why he did it before. Somehow that is quite a concept for me! sheesh. I almost wish I had the same reactions and intensity of feelings in therapy as I did with Guru, but I just don't. It's all shut down somehow. But I do appreciate his kindness.
Kashley, for me it was oppostie, at least with Cowboy- I started off doing therapy, quite quickly with him- and it felt good to be kind of getting somewhere in terms of being able to talk openly about my issues with someone. I was doing great, and feeling lots better. But now...pffft. I just kind of fizzled. Probably need more drugs.