(((Ninn)))
I hope things work out well for you and I'm really glad for you that your H is willing to try therapy with you. I can totally understand being nervous. Articulating ambivalent and/or negative feelings about a marriage is difficult enough without your partner being there! But rumor has it it can be really helpful in clearing the air and helping to establish new ways of relating. Anyway, I'll be thinking of you and hope you come back and update this thread to let us know how your session goes.

I can totally understand why you would be anxious about starting therapy AND having h back in the home. And you have four kids? Me too and I know how stressful that can be. It sounds like you have a lot To be angry about. It's good that you are seeing your t the day after. I Haven't been able to do marriage therapy myself but I think it's great you are giving it a shot. At least you and h will be starting a dialog. It's a starting point.

Xoxo
Liese

Hey Ninn, I am sorry for the struggle with your H that has been going on so long. Glad to hear there appears to be something to hope for in the joint therapy. Joint therapy can be damn hard -- for me, at least, its harder than individual. My H and I seem to be on a similar path as you and yours, except we are not separated. He has just recently begun his own therapy -- a good sign if he sticks with it. Already he has shown a positive change, but its way too early to tell if it will hold for the longer-term. But I am wary of any more joint sessions. I think he needs to do more individual work before joint therapy will be effective.

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The weird thing is, my anger has toned down, a lot. My T has really helped with it. By listening and telling me how to tell H I am angry. She told me, "Tell him, 'I don't believe you and I'm angry." She said it would help me to feel less powerless.

I can really relate to this. My H came to a session with me recently and did 90% of the talking, and I sat there mostly feeling shutdown and submissive because I guess for some reason I felt it was my role to protect HIS feelings, by not voicing my own so that he would not feel attacked. Well, the next time I met alone with my T, we were talking about my anger and issues with my H and she said, "I was hoping you would bring this up in session with your H when he was here. THIS is the discussion we should have been having, and what I kept trying to get you to say. I would have had your back, had you decided to go there." It is empowering to learn to stand up for myself after a long-standing pattern of not doing it. Sorry to turn my response into all about me. Just wanted to say I can somewhat relate.

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I remember your post, about the session with your H. It was one of the reasons I told H we needed a brand-new-T to both of us. Are you still seeing your T? Does the relationship feel safe and okay again? When you do joint therapy again (if you do), will you see a new T?

I have seen my T a few times since the awful joint-session and the even worse individual session which followed it. We've been trying to repair the hurts and misunderstandings, but I am still smarting and doubt I am in a place to invite H back anytime soon. Right now the plan is that H will see his own T, a male who works in the same office building as my T. H has stated that doesn't want to go more than 8 sessions though. He definitely wants it to be very short-term. He is approaching therapy as just getting some good advice and tips how to get his wife to respond to him the way he wants, I think. Not sure that he is wanting to make any deep internal changes himself. But on the surface at least he has been much easier to live with since he started therapy. Maybe its a honeymoon phase and once he stops therapy he will lose that sense of accountability to a third party. That sounds kinda pessimistic I know.

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I'm still worried about having a new different M-T (marriage-therapy) relationship, while still having my T.

I think its probably the best way to do it, to be able to continue your established relationship with your personal T and keep it as a safe place, not threatened by your work with H. Although I do understand your anxiety about a new T which won't be devoted solely to your needs. The T will not know you well or your background work. I wonder if you and your T together could have a meeting with M/T? without H present. Just so you could orient the new T to your concerns and background, and you would know exactly what your personal T said to him because you were witness to it. And if your H wanted to have a similar meeting with M/H, accompanied by his personal T, then you both might feel the ground had been laid for more productive work together.

Ninn, the feeling is quite mutual!

I have been following this post. I think you are very strong for working so hard. Cautiously optimistic? hmmmm. Realistic? Hopeful but guarded?

Then again sometimes there's only so much one can take before we want to explode. How do we get through those moments with some grace, without losing ourselves in the process? How much are we supposed to tolerate, and what really should NOT be tolerated? And how can that feel safe to everyone involved?

I think with individual therapy, I would feel like I had a solid ally. In group or couples therapy, I wonder if it would be easy to feel like it's "you against them" at times, even when you know intellectually it is hard and will feel that way, it has to be hard. Up go the defenses, I know that I might respond that way.

Sorry if I'm putting this in the context of what I have been going through. But I wanted you to know that I'm also listening, and here.

(((Ninn)))

Hope you are doing okay from yesterday and taking gentle care of yourself. I was sorry to read about all the tears, but. . . sometimes crying is a good thing. Update as you are able. Just wanted to say I was thinking of you.

((((Ninn)))) I hope you're doing okay today. I tend to use bad ways to cope but I'm getting better at that now. But they are also the easiest ways to cope, so you should be proud of yourself for not going down that road. How did the session with your T go? ((hugs))

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's understandable why you felt you needed to take your post down. I know I've done that, and I know plenty of others on here feel like that sometimes, too. I'm sorry you're feeling some regret. Can you contact your T, just to touch base? And do you have a session on Monday?

(((hugs))) Hoping you find some peace today...please keep us updated on how you're doing.

I'll be following this post, and rooting for you.

Yes, and wishing you peace as well.