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(((xoxo)))
Forgive me if I'm on the wrong planet and also for not commenting on you thread about spending time over Christmas with your mother!! My gut feeling is that there may be a connection here!! Has spending time with her thrown you back to your 12yo self??
s, Morgs
Forgive me if I'm on the wrong planet and also for not commenting on you thread about spending time over Christmas with your mother!! My gut feeling is that there may be a connection here!! Has spending time with her thrown you back to your 12yo self??
s, Morgs
You know, what you wrote is actually amazing to read, xoxo, because to me it shows so well how much you've already changed.
There you were, already all on your own as a kid, being so strong for yourself, and brave. And now you are still just as brave, but you're using your courage and strength this time to reach out and connect with us here on this forum, and to be vulnerable, too.
You know what I think? I think you really do want to be able to go back and feel the pain of your inner child, in order to heal. But you don't want to be alone this time. You were alone the first time you experienced that, which is what made it so traumatic. Experiencing it again, but this time connected to and supported by others, is what will let you heal. You know this instinctively. Also you don't have the safety net of dissociation or other defenses anymore to keep you from feeling. It's up to your T and the others in your life to steady you through this. So of course you are testing your connection to your T now to see if it is strong enough not to break and leave you alone again with your trauma. You are wise not to want to go back there until you know it's safe.
Let us know what you decide! We are right behind you!
There you were, already all on your own as a kid, being so strong for yourself, and brave. And now you are still just as brave, but you're using your courage and strength this time to reach out and connect with us here on this forum, and to be vulnerable, too.
You know what I think? I think you really do want to be able to go back and feel the pain of your inner child, in order to heal. But you don't want to be alone this time. You were alone the first time you experienced that, which is what made it so traumatic. Experiencing it again, but this time connected to and supported by others, is what will let you heal. You know this instinctively. Also you don't have the safety net of dissociation or other defenses anymore to keep you from feeling. It's up to your T and the others in your life to steady you through this. So of course you are testing your connection to your T now to see if it is strong enough not to break and leave you alone again with your trauma. You are wise not to want to go back there until you know it's safe.
Let us know what you decide! We are right behind you!
(((xoxo)))
I have no advice but I can offer support and hugs and encouragement. What you said resonates a lot with me usually talking about the feelings doesn't seem like enough. I sometimes think I traded my endless and fruitless attempts at getting my parents to love me for endless and fruitless attempts to get my T to love me. Sometimes talking about my feelings and having them understood is transformational.
Good luck talking about this with your T at your next session. I think Christmas can be a difficult time for lots of us with difficult FOO relationships.
I have no advice but I can offer support and hugs and encouragement. What you said resonates a lot with me usually talking about the feelings doesn't seem like enough. I sometimes think I traded my endless and fruitless attempts at getting my parents to love me for endless and fruitless attempts to get my T to love me. Sometimes talking about my feelings and having them understood is transformational.
Good luck talking about this with your T at your next session. I think Christmas can be a difficult time for lots of us with difficult FOO relationships.
What Morgs said makes a lot of sense, too.
So pleased I didn't offend you (((xoxo))) - my guts tell me a lot (and do they grumble sometimes - very audibly!!!) but recalled that you'd kept some distance from your mother recently (as I have) but you had to spend time with her over the hols - too hard and the proof is how you're feeling!! Please don't give up on therapy - you're discovering the 'feeling' side of you, which is noticeable, as opposed to your considerable intellectual side, which is absolutely fantastic and very unsettling at the same time!!!
Breathe and 'try' to be gentle with yourself and remember how far you've come with your T!!
Hear endeth Morgs' rave
xx
Breathe and 'try' to be gentle with yourself and remember how far you've come with your T!!
Hear endeth Morgs' rave
xxquote:I don't remember ever feeling like a child. So it feels like I just want to stuff it all back inside of me, repressing the inner child I left behind so long ago. That inner child only came out a few times in sessions. Maybe I need to access her more?? How do you do this?
xoxo... this really resonated with me. My inner kids has only appeared a very few times in session because she is not yet trusting of T and was horribly damaged by oldT when she dared to show herself. And I have this ambivalence about her and would rather keep her locked in the closet because I blame her for so much of what has gone wrong, even for what happened with oldT. Aside from this... I really don't know how to bring her into sessions more often as my T as requested.
I believe you are in the scariest part of therapy right now and because you have worked so hard and so long you should not quit now. They say the scariest, most difficult work comes when the old defenses are no longer working or viable and you need to deal with the old demons without them. I have come face to face with the beginnings of this and I end up pushing my T away... or maybe we are testing them to see if they will stay during this most difficult period. We may need to lean more heavily on the trust and safety of the relationship with T now that our defenses are not as strong as they used to be.
I have heard many say that therapy gets really bad before it gets better/easier so maybe that is what this is all about.
I also think the part that you left our of your initial post above is the part where you must grieve what you cannot have (from your T) to soothe the hurt and angry child/teen you were. You may be approaching the grief of what you didn't get and really needed as that child. You seem to be scared that perhaps you will be left alone in this grief and that your T won't be there to help you through this. Perhaps you are testing him now to find out? Just an idea.
You have worked so hard and come so far it would be a shame to quit now.
TN
xoxo,
I hope you won't quit...you are so inspiring! I do feel it is due to having spent time with your mother and family. I can be triggered by something from the past quite easily. You have come so far and you are so honest about what you go thru which I truly admire. You are doing great and this whole process is difficult but worth it. I do feel as Morgs said "you are discovering the feeling side of you"...I think that is scary for a person like you since you've been so independent for basically your entire life. Wishing you peace.
Hopeful
I hope you won't quit...you are so inspiring! I do feel it is due to having spent time with your mother and family. I can be triggered by something from the past quite easily. You have come so far and you are so honest about what you go thru which I truly admire. You are doing great and this whole process is difficult but worth it. I do feel as Morgs said "you are discovering the feeling side of you"...I think that is scary for a person like you since you've been so independent for basically your entire life. Wishing you peace.
Hopeful
Hey (((xoxo))) listen to (((TN))) and (((hopeful))) - see how people who have come to know much of you are so encouraging as you are so valuable to this forum!!
Breathe through these self deprecating emotions that have been stirred and listen to us who actually know you better than 'FOO others', Morgs
Breathe through these self deprecating emotions that have been stirred and listen to us who actually know you better than 'FOO others'
, Morgsquote:because you have worked so hard and so long you should not quit now. They say the scariest, most difficult work comes when the old defenses are no longer working or viable and you need to deal with the old demons without them. I have come face to face with the beginnings of this and I end up pushing my T away... or maybe we are testing them to see if they will stay during this most difficult period. We may need to lean more heavily on the trust and safety of the relationship with T now that our defenses are not as strong as they used to be.
I have heard many say that therapy gets really bad before it gets better/easier so maybe that is what this is all about.
I agree with TN on this.
quote:You may be approaching the grief of what you didn't get and really needed as that child. You seem to be scared that perhaps you will be left alone in this grief and that your T won't be there to help you through this. Perhaps you are testing him now to find out? Just an idea.
Andthis too. I feel I am going through both of these, so applaud you XOXO for admitting you want to quit, whilst really knowing you are verballising how much it hurts to go through this painful part of therapy. I specially liked TN saying
quote:You seem to be scared that perhaps you will be left alone in this grief and that your T won't be there to help you through this.
I am hanging onto the hope that TN knows that T's help you through this grief as I am being pulled apart by this grief right now and you seem to be too.
((((OXOXOX)))))
((((((XOXO)))))))
Just wanted to send hugs and support. I wasn't sure whether to post here or on your other thread and decided the two threads were related and would just post here.
What AG wrote had special meaning for me because I was often alone (and it sounds like you were too) in terms of handling life's stressors:
"You are not going to face this alone this time through. You will have a dependable, wiser, stronger other to walk alongside of you as you face this pain, to let you know that you are no longer alone, that you are strong enough to handle finally knowing and feeling this. It is such a crucial, healing difference."
Xoxo, about that rescue stuff. You have zero connection at one end and total connection at the other: a person taking care of their own needs at the one end of the spectrum and at the other end, wanting others taking care of their needs. For me, the hopelessness comes into play when I am at the total connection end of things and then get some kind of jolt from reality, like you thinking about T being with his family on Chanukah.
But, while that was true, that T was with his family and not with you, you effectively cancelled out any connection you have with your T. You do have a connection with him. And he with you.
We need other human beings in our lives. We need to feel connected. And that's why I like what AG wrote so much. Because your T will be there by your side this time, helping you along, helping you find what you need in life.
Maybe the missing piece for you is that you need to know how he would have felt if he had received a text from you on the first day of Chanukah? Would he have felt that it was an intrusion or would he have been pleased? I just know through my work with my T that it's been talking about being at both ends of connection and sorting out exactly how and where we are connected that's been the most helpful. I finally feel as though I don't have to escape anymore to the vast wasteland that is at the one end of the spectrum, feeling alone and feeling like I'm on this journey by myself. I finally feel as though T is walking right next to me even if I can't be with him on Christmas. But it was only in learning through my relationship with my T that I've been able to stay in the middle and hopefully will be able to maintain it on my own some day soon.
I hope you will ask for and get the reassurance you need from your T. He sounds like a really great T from everything you've said.
xoxo
Love,
Liese
Just wanted to send hugs and support. I wasn't sure whether to post here or on your other thread and decided the two threads were related and would just post here.
What AG wrote had special meaning for me because I was often alone (and it sounds like you were too) in terms of handling life's stressors:
"You are not going to face this alone this time through. You will have a dependable, wiser, stronger other to walk alongside of you as you face this pain, to let you know that you are no longer alone, that you are strong enough to handle finally knowing and feeling this. It is such a crucial, healing difference."
Xoxo, about that rescue stuff. You have zero connection at one end and total connection at the other: a person taking care of their own needs at the one end of the spectrum and at the other end, wanting others taking care of their needs. For me, the hopelessness comes into play when I am at the total connection end of things and then get some kind of jolt from reality, like you thinking about T being with his family on Chanukah.
But, while that was true, that T was with his family and not with you, you effectively cancelled out any connection you have with your T. You do have a connection with him. And he with you.
We need other human beings in our lives. We need to feel connected. And that's why I like what AG wrote so much. Because your T will be there by your side this time, helping you along, helping you find what you need in life.
Maybe the missing piece for you is that you need to know how he would have felt if he had received a text from you on the first day of Chanukah? Would he have felt that it was an intrusion or would he have been pleased? I just know through my work with my T that it's been talking about being at both ends of connection and sorting out exactly how and where we are connected that's been the most helpful. I finally feel as though I don't have to escape anymore to the vast wasteland that is at the one end of the spectrum, feeling alone and feeling like I'm on this journey by myself. I finally feel as though T is walking right next to me even if I can't be with him on Christmas. But it was only in learning through my relationship with my T that I've been able to stay in the middle and hopefully will be able to maintain it on my own some day soon.
I hope you will ask for and get the reassurance you need from your T. He sounds like a really great T from everything you've said.
xoxo
Love,
Liese
xoxo,
everyone else has said really helpful things but i just wanted to share my support too in encouraging you to stay in therapy. from what you've said so far, your therapist sounds really competent and it seems like you have a good relationship.
if things have been going too fast, maybe you can talk about it with your T, talk about what he can do to help ease your pain as you go through this difficult part together.
gentle hugs,
puppet
everyone else has said really helpful things but i just wanted to share my support too in encouraging you to stay in therapy. from what you've said so far, your therapist sounds really competent and it seems like you have a good relationship.
if things have been going too fast, maybe you can talk about it with your T, talk about what he can do to help ease your pain as you go through this difficult part together.
gentle hugs,
puppet
(((((Xoxo)))))
Sounds like you are doing some incredibly hard work in your therapy right now. I'm so sorry you were out on your own when you were only 10 years old. It's no wonder you never felt like a child when you were never allowed to BE one.
I agree with others that it sounds like you are experiencing really deep grief. 
When do you see your T next? Is there any chance of getting in to see him ASAP? Have you told him about these feelings? I don't recall you ever talking about opening up to him like this before. I'm just wondering if there's something he could do to help, just be there for you, if nothing else. But in the meantime, I'm glad you are writing here, and I hope it helps some. I wish there was more we could do for you.
Gentle hugs,
SG
Sounds like you are doing some incredibly hard work in your therapy right now. I'm so sorry you were out on your own when you were only 10 years old. It's no wonder you never felt like a child when you were never allowed to BE one.
I agree with others that it sounds like you are experiencing really deep grief. When do you see your T next? Is there any chance of getting in to see him ASAP? Have you told him about these feelings? I don't recall you ever talking about opening up to him like this before. I'm just wondering if there's something he could do to help, just be there for you, if nothing else. But in the meantime, I'm glad you are writing here, and I hope it helps some. I wish there was more we could do for you.
Gentle hugs,
SG
(((xoxo)))
I resonated with much of the advice the others have given you. I too dissociated a lot as a kid and learned how to be independent and rely only on myself. I might not be the nicest person to myself, but at least I'm predictable!
I am at a place right now, also, of hating that I need my T. I question daily if I was better off before because I at least wouldn't be disappointed.
I hope you can find a balance and continue with your journey. I can't tell you that there's a light at the end or even that it does get crappier before it gets better. I'm in the crappy part - but hoping that's true about getting better - and true for you, too
I resonated with much of the advice the others have given you. I too dissociated a lot as a kid and learned how to be independent and rely only on myself. I might not be the nicest person to myself, but at least I'm predictable!
I am at a place right now, also, of hating that I need my T. I question daily if I was better off before because I at least wouldn't be disappointed.
I hope you can find a balance and continue with your journey. I can't tell you that there's a light at the end or even that it does get crappier before it gets better. I'm in the crappy part - but hoping that's true about getting better - and true for you, too
(((((XOXO)))))
Thinking of you.
(((((HUGS))))
Liese
Thinking of you.
(((((HUGS))))
Liese
xoxo
thanks for sharing about your session. I'm glad you feel better about therapy and feel understood by your T. I'm also sorry that you felt hopeless as a child. I can relate to feeling hopeless and wanting to quit.
thanks for sharing about your session. I'm glad you feel better about therapy and feel understood by your T. I'm also sorry that you felt hopeless as a child. I can relate to feeling hopeless and wanting to quit.
(((xoxo))) SO happy you feel so heard and understood and will continue your healing with you very sweetT - fabulous news!!
Had very much more to say in the last 2 attempted messages to you that went phfttt and I'm now a bit rushed for time!!!
I wish you a healing, healthy 2012 where some peace and happiness might just creep in also!!
Thinking of you, Morgs xx
Had very much more to say in the last 2 attempted messages to you that went phfttt and I'm now a bit rushed for time!!!
I wish you a healing, healthy 2012 where some peace and happiness might just creep in also!!
Thinking of you, Morgs xx
xoxo... so glad to hear that you found comfort and peace in talking about what has been worrying you over the past two weeks. I'm sure you are feeling a lot of relief. I know that feeling and I think your P is correct in that there really is no other way than sharing this pain with an attuned, caring other (preferrably an attachment figure). That is the mystical part of therapy for me... how just talking about the pain and having someone there with you to witness it and validate it makes you feel better and lighter.
Thanks for sharing about the session with us. Oh, and how sweet he was to move the lion into his "family circle". That was a significant, symbolic message I think.
Hugs
TN
Thanks for sharing about the session with us. Oh, and how sweet he was to move the lion into his "family circle". That was a significant, symbolic message I think.
Hugs
TN
xoxo,
I'm so happy for you and that you have such a thoughtful T and to put your lion there amongst his families pictures...beautiful! How wonderful for you...makes my heart melt for you.
Hopeful
I'm so happy for you and that you have such a thoughtful T and to put your lion there amongst his families pictures...beautiful! How wonderful for you...makes my heart melt for you.
Hopeful