.
Original Post
Replies sorted oldest to newest
I guess it all depends on your definition of rescuing someone. I think there's a difference between rescuing someone, and giving someone the kind of help they need because they asked for it.
If you asked me to tie your shoe for you because your hands were full or your arm was in a cast, and I did it, would I be rescuing you?
What if I insisted on constantly tying your shoes for you even when you didn't need it, to the point where you forgot how to tie them yourself, would that be rescuing you?
What if I tied your shoe several times for you, very slowly, in order to teach you how to do it yourself? Would I be rescuing you then?
If you asked me to tie your shoe for you because your hands were full or your arm was in a cast, and I did it, would I be rescuing you?
What if I insisted on constantly tying your shoes for you even when you didn't need it, to the point where you forgot how to tie them yourself, would that be rescuing you?
What if I tied your shoe several times for you, very slowly, in order to teach you how to do it yourself? Would I be rescuing you then?
Hi xoxo,
I think I know what you are going through. I seem to be going through the same thing. The moment that T and I touched on end of sessions in the foreseeable future, I have been getting periodically depressed, panicky, anxious, and self-harming out of desperation and scared of being alone.
I'm not really sure what to suggest.
It's difficult because I feel that for someone to be there would be a great help but then I ask myself, would I get used to engulfing people or my T and not growing...
Clingy to distant is my thing as well. There's no middle ground. when I'm clingy, I'm REALLY clingy and when distant, very distant. It's most irritating.
I'm not sure really what to suggest because when I've got desperate like this, there is nothing I can do. It is hell. I have to let it pass somehow. When I was like it last time, I wanted to get someone near me desperately. It felt like too much to handle.
I hope it does not happen again. It was the equivalent of hell. I had to pretend that there was an another person inside me, an adult carer, soothing me. There was nothing I could do...
Is this how scary it might feel for you at all?
I think I know what you are going through. I seem to be going through the same thing. The moment that T and I touched on end of sessions in the foreseeable future, I have been getting periodically depressed, panicky, anxious, and self-harming out of desperation and scared of being alone.
I'm not really sure what to suggest.
It's difficult because I feel that for someone to be there would be a great help but then I ask myself, would I get used to engulfing people or my T and not growing...
Clingy to distant is my thing as well. There's no middle ground. when I'm clingy, I'm REALLY clingy and when distant, very distant. It's most irritating.
I'm not sure really what to suggest because when I've got desperate like this, there is nothing I can do. It is hell. I have to let it pass somehow. When I was like it last time, I wanted to get someone near me desperately. It felt like too much to handle.
I hope it does not happen again. It was the equivalent of hell. I had to pretend that there was an another person inside me, an adult carer, soothing me. There was nothing I could do...
Is this how scary it might feel for you at all?
xoxo, I did see many episodes of that series, and I found it very interesting, if depressing.
I think I see what I mean about wanting to be rescued now because nobody protected you in the past when you really needed it. I think it's the same with me and how I feel about trust/dependence. When I was young and really needed to trust and depend on my parents, I couldn't. So now, part of me still wants to experience that kind of childlike trust and dependence, even though I don't technically need it anymore. It's like a need that got carried forward, out of context. Is that what you mean?
I think I see what I mean about wanting to be rescued now because nobody protected you in the past when you really needed it. I think it's the same with me and how I feel about trust/dependence. When I was young and really needed to trust and depend on my parents, I couldn't. So now, part of me still wants to experience that kind of childlike trust and dependence, even though I don't technically need it anymore. It's like a need that got carried forward, out of context. Is that what you mean?
b
((((XOXO))))
I am sorry you had such a bad day yesterday.
It's hard for me to respond without knowing more information. How often do you text? Is it a case of "the boy who cried wolf?" Do you typically text more a certain time of the week, say right after your sessions or right before your session or on the weekend? Does he ever answer? Does he answer a certain number of texts and then stop? Does he only answer if you specifically ask for a reply?
I am having trouble with the rescue concept. What does he mean? What is he rescuing you from? Does he think you are lonely on the weekend and you want to be rescued from your lonliness?
How long did it take you to recover and move on with your weekend? Do you know what you were thinking and feeling when you were able to get past those feelings?
It seems as though there should be some middle ground between clingy and distant.
I find that my T is very responsive when I reach out for help but that may be because I've had trouble reaching out for help when I need it. But I'm also finding the more secure I feel with him (it sounds like this may be making you insecure?) the more likely I am to separate and engage in life without my T. If you find that this is a constant pattern and it's actually hurting your independence rather than helping, maybe it's time to bring it to his attention again and ask him to try it your way for a while.
Hope I didn't bombard you with too many questions.
HUGS,
Liese
I am sorry you had such a bad day yesterday.
It's hard for me to respond without knowing more information. How often do you text? Is it a case of "the boy who cried wolf?" Do you typically text more a certain time of the week, say right after your sessions or right before your session or on the weekend? Does he ever answer? Does he answer a certain number of texts and then stop? Does he only answer if you specifically ask for a reply?
I am having trouble with the rescue concept. What does he mean? What is he rescuing you from? Does he think you are lonely on the weekend and you want to be rescued from your lonliness?
How long did it take you to recover and move on with your weekend? Do you know what you were thinking and feeling when you were able to get past those feelings?
It seems as though there should be some middle ground between clingy and distant.
I find that my T is very responsive when I reach out for help but that may be because I've had trouble reaching out for help when I need it. But I'm also finding the more secure I feel with him (it sounds like this may be making you insecure?) the more likely I am to separate and engage in life without my T. If you find that this is a constant pattern and it's actually hurting your independence rather than helping, maybe it's time to bring it to his attention again and ask him to try it your way for a while.
Hope I didn't bombard you with too many questions.
HUGS,
Liese
xoxo, I found In Treatment so depressing because the T in it never really got past his own issues. As soon as his psychiatrist started to figure him out, he bolted. I would have liked to see him actually start to grow more himself, you know?
I know I'm a bit late to respond, but I, too, relate to the sort of paradox between being rescued and left to fend for yourself, if you will. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to be rescued sometimes, we are not meant to go at this alone. Personally, I have found it helpful to have something to signify an emotional support from T. Sometimes this has been done through a transitional object or a quote that was said in the past. I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but for me a need to be rescued comes from a feeling of being alone with my struggles. I've learned to try and hold on to the emotional support, symbolizing I am not alone, and use that as self-containment to help give myself room work through crisis moments without being either rescued or alone. I'm not sure if this makes sense.
Hope you're feeling a bit better now, xoxo.
Hope you're feeling a bit better now, xoxo.
(((((XOXO)))))
The rescue stuff is confusing. I think I fell in love with my T because I think he has the life I want and I thought he could give it to me. Kind of a short cut, so to speak, instead of working on these things for myself and gaining them myself. Getting them through him. I guess I see that as rescuing. And wanting to be rescued. Because my life was too hard to face.
IMO, it's not good to detach. You want to feel that connection with him so you feel that support all the time. The world is scary. It doesn't sound helpful if you are detaching.
Getting emotional support is something different, I think. Can you talk to your T about the difference and how you can get the emotional support from him when you need it? Maybe the two of you together can help you figure out how you can discern when you really need emotional support and when you want to be rescued. Because reaching out for help when we need it is really important. There's no reason why you have to do this alone. Having the mindset that everytime you reach out a connection that you want to be rescued isn't helping you to learn the difference.
"So secure, I don't want to explore the world. I just want to be safe and comfy with him...so it is hurting my independence."
Maybe that's what you need right now? Maybe it's okay? Is there any reason why you have to be more independent right now? Any reason at all? If you died tomorrow, would anyone think any less of you because you weren't as independent as someone (either yourself or your T) thinks you should be? Does it really matter, at the end of the day? We are human beings, first and foremost, programmed to connect with other human beings. We are what we are. We won't be perfect.
The trauma literature talks about the therapist allowing a deep emotional connection and reliance to form. Maybe it's just all okay. Right where you are. Today.
But why not try to add an activity to your life? Maybe a volunteer activity so you can meet other people? I've been volunteering with the equine therapy program in my town and the people are amazing. The volunteers, the therapists, the clients. One client is blind and hearing impaired. She takes a bus from her home by herself to get to her horseback riding lessons. Last week she got scared while riding. The therapist picked up on it and gave her this big speech how we are all there, and we are not going to let her get hurt. She started to ride again and she looked like she was holding back tears so I asked her if she was okay. Then she started to cry. But she was okay. And she kept riding. It was such a beautiful moment to witness. The other client I help out with seems to be severely learning disabled. But he gets so much joy from riding the horse. And his family loves him so much. His mother brings him every week and either his sister or father will go. And they watch him with such pride and love. It is filling my life with good emotional stuff that is making me stronger and miss my T less. Though that makes me sad because I am not ready to move away from him yet. But it's okay. Because no one is asking me to move away yet.
Just wanted to share that because it is a scary world out there but if you look in the right place, you can find some really nice people to hang around with.
HUGS,
Liese
The rescue stuff is confusing. I think I fell in love with my T because I think he has the life I want and I thought he could give it to me. Kind of a short cut, so to speak, instead of working on these things for myself and gaining them myself. Getting them through him. I guess I see that as rescuing. And wanting to be rescued. Because my life was too hard to face.
IMO, it's not good to detach. You want to feel that connection with him so you feel that support all the time. The world is scary. It doesn't sound helpful if you are detaching.
Getting emotional support is something different, I think. Can you talk to your T about the difference and how you can get the emotional support from him when you need it? Maybe the two of you together can help you figure out how you can discern when you really need emotional support and when you want to be rescued. Because reaching out for help when we need it is really important. There's no reason why you have to do this alone. Having the mindset that everytime you reach out a connection that you want to be rescued isn't helping you to learn the difference.
"So secure, I don't want to explore the world. I just want to be safe and comfy with him...so it is hurting my independence."
Maybe that's what you need right now? Maybe it's okay? Is there any reason why you have to be more independent right now? Any reason at all? If you died tomorrow, would anyone think any less of you because you weren't as independent as someone (either yourself or your T) thinks you should be? Does it really matter, at the end of the day? We are human beings, first and foremost, programmed to connect with other human beings. We are what we are. We won't be perfect.
The trauma literature talks about the therapist allowing a deep emotional connection and reliance to form. Maybe it's just all okay. Right where you are. Today.
But why not try to add an activity to your life? Maybe a volunteer activity so you can meet other people? I've been volunteering with the equine therapy program in my town and the people are amazing. The volunteers, the therapists, the clients. One client is blind and hearing impaired. She takes a bus from her home by herself to get to her horseback riding lessons. Last week she got scared while riding. The therapist picked up on it and gave her this big speech how we are all there, and we are not going to let her get hurt. She started to ride again and she looked like she was holding back tears so I asked her if she was okay. Then she started to cry. But she was okay. And she kept riding. It was such a beautiful moment to witness. The other client I help out with seems to be severely learning disabled. But he gets so much joy from riding the horse. And his family loves him so much. His mother brings him every week and either his sister or father will go. And they watch him with such pride and love. It is filling my life with good emotional stuff that is making me stronger and miss my T less. Though that makes me sad because I am not ready to move away from him yet. But it's okay. Because no one is asking me to move away yet.
Just wanted to share that because it is a scary world out there but if you look in the right place, you can find some really nice people to hang around with.
HUGS,
Liese