Yaku,

That was a really moving story. I'm so sorry for LY's grief, but really glad about your change in perception of being human. I can imagine the joy and despair mixed together from it. You are right about the tangent-you are always important, worthwhile, and a huge presence for your child.

((((YAKU)))))

Wow, Yaku, what a dream. Even though your emotions might be locked up, they found a way to speak to you and show you that you are a caring person, which we never doubted. I hope you can hang onto it too because it would be devastating for BOO if you were not around.

My cousins Dad died suddenly when they were young. Their Mom remarried an alcoholic sex abuser. So not only did they have to deal with the loss of, by all accounts, a really great Dad but then they had to deal with the monster the Mom replaced him with. 1 out of the 5 holds a job. Another 1 did get a college degree but I don't know what he's doing now. Last I heard his wife left him. Another 1 got into drugs and a life of crime, wound up in jail and is now dead. The 4th one is incredibly obese and not working. Her siblings had to do an intervention. They showed up at her house with a dumpster. She was a hoarder. They found a bunch of dead cats all around the house, under in bed, etc. The 5th one is married with 3 dysfunctional kids and a dysfunctional husband. Anyway, it is pretty grim.

We are strong and we are fragile at the same time. Sorry, I hope that story wasn't inappropriate or triggering in any way. It's just that I've thought about that, what would happen to my kids if I was gone and it really would be the luck of the draw, depending upon who was able to take care of them. That is too much for me to leave to fate.



Liese

wow Yaku, that was quite a dream. Your unconscious was really working hard in trying to resolve some issues. I think experiencing the loss of your mom in the dream has maybe showed you the other side of how it would be for Boo to lose you and perhaps this had been buried deep in the unconsicious and you were trying to work out the feelings in the dream.

I am sorry for what happened to LK when your mom had an abusive and sick boyfriend in the house. That should have never happened and you should have been protected instead.

Lastly, of course you are human Yaku. We know that and I'm pleased to see you are now experiencing and realizing that this is so true. You are doing a lot of hard work in and out of session. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it helped you in some way.

Hugs
TN

Thanks everybody for all your wonderful comments. I'm sorry I'm not able to write more right now. I did read and appreciate it all, but I'm back in a bad place somehow, feeling very hopeless and all that goes along with it...and just like a big failure for it. I just couldn't leave that post up. Right now, it just feels like whatever work I'm doing, it's too hard and maybe not worth it.

Yaks, you are worrying me and I have a truckload of concern for you. You are worth it and please go and get help. Things might seem and feel helpless - but they aren't - that isn't what the reality is.

Please reach out.
Somedays.

Sorry if I make anybody worry. I'm not in a scary place...more like a dead end where continuing therapy like this feels impossible and pointless. I'm not sure what triggered it. I was doing fine most of yesterday. I had all sorts of bizarre (well, except they are usual for me) dreams last night that I can't fully remember (that is unusual for me). H works from home Mondays, I am busy with watching my client's kid, and I see T Monday nights, so even if it gets worse, I'm safe all day.

Actually, I think I know what triggered part of what is happening right now, some major changes converging all at once and seeing or predicting Boo's reaction/feelings about it. Anyway, I'm sure I'll be OK eventually. Sorry if I upset anybody.

I am glad you explained it, but sorry that you have trigger happening. I don't think you would upset anyone - it is just that we worry because we care