That is really, really big, isn't it?

That's so beautiful Catalyst. Truly. I haven't been here since the beginning so I don't know your whole story, but I can appreciate how big this is.

Cat - I have definitely seen how amazingly far you have come and how hard you persevered to get here. I'll bet your T feels so honored to be trusted and welcomed in as a companion and guide by all of you. It's huge, hard work you are doing, but the gains are beautiful to witness...it's the work of life, learning to accept having a place in others' hearts and keeping a place for them in yours as well. I'm so glad you shared this. It literally made me smile and feel peaceful.

(((CAT))))

That is awesome! You've done some amazing work.

Hey Cat, yes you have been through some tough times and it is lovely to read where you are at.

I hope I can feel your positive feelings one day

Somedays.

Cat

I really get why you feel so silly and embarrassed.

But I think your T will understand that being overwhelmed with gratitude might be closely followed by overwhelming relief, love, sadness and grief because finally there is someone there for you who will love you and accept you unconditionally. When that hasn't been your experience growing up, the sense of emotion at finally being accepted and loved and knowing that you're safe and you're ok deep down can be so profound and intense that there arent really words that to capture it. Hugs xx

OMG Cat, your post made me , I have so been there done that! It's like the time I ambushed my T with an overly emotional hug when she wasn't expecting it. It took me almost a week to get over the extreme embarrassment, but in reality she probably just felt some combination of slightly bemused and touched. When you think about it, T's work really hard and their job isn't easy. It probably means a lot to them to hear it made a difference for someone! You're probably just feeling anxious about it because it's a vulnerable thing and your background doesn't help, but you don't have to project your shame onto your T and think she suddenly despises you...

((((cat)))) your two posts here are so lovely, if not contradictory. you have indeed gotten to the point where you can feel confident that no matter what you bring to therapy that she will be there to contain you. what a wonderful place that must be, i can only imagine! good for you!

i would feel exactly the same as you after phone call #1 and then phone call #2. i think it's awesome that you called to express your gratitude, and i think the second phone call is all about the shame and guilt you mentioned in your first post. you shared your gratitude and showed vulnerability because you ARE okay with going through this with another person. but then the old guilt and shame standbys rear their ugly heads and you begin to doubt what you've done. what an awesome opportunity to discuss this!

anyway, thanks for sharing your story. the smileys were all wonderful and i got some good laughs (at your expense, sorry) but only because i can so relate to the feelings. i'm glad you can tie humor into this, because i think it helps dissipate some of the discomfort. and it was fun to read. good luck tomorrow.

((Cat))

Hi,
I once sent my T a very revealing e-mail, it was about how I felt about her pregnancy. I was partly angry, but also partlt excited, it was a load of very mixed up feelings.
The next day I was so embarrassed and thought I cannot go to T tomorrow.
I thougt about sending her another e-mil asking her not to read the first one. I knew she had not been to the office yet so would not have already read it.
I then wondered what would she do then, would she still read it or not.
I did not send the second one and when I wentshe could see I was uncomfortable when she held up the e-mail to discuss.
I told her I nearly sent a second one and asked her what she would have done if I had. Would she stil have read the first.
She said that if I was coming soon she would wait and ask me why, but she would probably feel obliged to read it.
She felt that it was probably something important if I was reacting so strongly to her reading it and we should talk about it.
I told her I thought she would say that, so I did not bother writing the second.
We both laughed and then went on to discuss my embarrassing e-mail, with the tension gone!

Hi,
I felt relieved!
Deep down I needed to discuss all thoses confusing feelings and have them out in the open, particularly as they were about T.
I think otherwise it wouold have made a barrier between us, especiall y as the pregnancy of course last so long.
She actually said it is a huge sign of my progress that I did tell her all my feelings, including the negative ones.
She also said that although her pregnancy and all the changes it has led to have been difficult for me, she thinks that we will come out of it witha stronger and closer relationship.
We still have 11 weeks until the birth and then 5 weeks leave to get through, but I think she is right.
She has proven to me that she is cares and I can trust her.
I love my T!!

Catalyst,



Hope your session goes well (or went well if you've had it already). Mine starts in about 20 minutes and am feeling some jitters myself, so sending some empathy vibes your way.

The smiley rich posts made me smile, too. No advice, but I think appreciation is sweet and hope you feel less embarrassed about the gushing after you see your T.

((((Cat)))))

((((CAT))))

They should be appreciative of us. We pay their bills and I'm sure they grow and change because of our interactions with them. It's the only business I know of that doesn't send Christmas cards to their clients or take people out to lunch or in some way court their clients and/or show appreciation. That's a bit of a head scratcher for me.

Hope you are feeling better by now. I think it's lovely that you feel that way about your T and you told her but it's so scary going near those positive feelings. IMO, the intensity and the vulnerability of experiencing those positive feelings will wane along with the intensity of the negative feelings and it will be easier, hopefully, for us to express positive feelings for others or at least to not feel so threatened by them.

Hey Cat. I really understand those feelings. It can be scary. I remember at Christmas when I told my T (or wrote actually) that I loved him and what a miracle that was for me after what happened with oldT. Well... he couldn't say it back to me but I know that because then it would make it about him and not me. But still it was hard to sit there with those words in the air and not have him reciprocate. I try to tell myself that I know he cares about me because of my experience of him and how he takes such care of me and protects me. I know that all he can offer me I do get from him but I understand how hard it is not to hear those words back and then to feel so very vulnerable by articulating your feelings for a T.

But, Cat... you gave your T a very precious gift and she knows that. You were so generous to share those feelings with her. You be nothing but proud of yourself.

And know that you are cared about and very much appreciated here.

Hugs
TN

quote:

I like when you use the word protect... that he protects you. I have to chew on that.

Cat he absolutely protects me... even from his own wife, whose presence there freaks me out and he understands that. It's such a new feeling and experience to be so protected. I hope you can chew on that and reach the same conclusion that your T is also protective of you. We have to get used to these new and foreign feelings but they are okay ones. They are good for us.

Take care
TN

((((CAT))))

So glad you are going back to see her today. Hope you are able to get some things sorted out.

quote:

but I think because the whole deal is supposed to be about our feelings and our experiences

You are probably right. That and the fact that they try to downplay the business aspect of the relationship. I was really only asking tongue in cheek. I think the fact that they don't/can't show their appreciation for us, their clients, adds to the power imbalance - which really was my main point in terms of how you were feeling and trying to help you to feel better. It's all in how we perceive things.

If they did express their gratitude for us as well do you think we'd feel as powerless in the relationship?
What if they expressed worry that we were going to leave therapy? Would it make them a bit less attractive if they acted clingy?

It's awesome that you have such wonderfully positive feelings for your T. I have a feeling that there is a bit of reciprocation going on there and it's not as one-sided as you think.

Awww, I'm so glad you got to see T again, and yeah, I super relate to the shame accompanies everything feeling. I don't know, I just get this feeling like your T probably feels phenomenally honored to see the sort of vulnerability and growth (and valuing of her presence) you're entrusting her with. It's a deep sort of appreciation, but maybe one that doesn't get voiced quite the same.

I've had my T do the, "I think if you did choose to leave now, you would be OK," thing, and I felt, of course, like, OK...he's done, it's time for me to go, and also, "Holy crap, I'm not OK yet at all!"

Anyway, that was off-topic, but it is such an awesome thing to see you blooming in your relationship with your T. I'm sure she feels the same. Sometimes when my T (on rare occasion) talks more specifically about his side of things, it sounds suspiciously like how I feel about watching Boo learn and grow into who she is going to be. I bet it's similar for most Ts who feel comfortable getting close to their clients and doing their work through the relationship.

((((CAT)))

quote:

But I'm never going to date and at this rate am getting too old to have children so.

Oh yeah, you are such an old hag. Like a dried up prune.

I'm going to tell you what my T says to me when I make similar statements: never say never.